getting rid of should

i feel guilty about everything.

i feel guilty if i don't have the house clean when Adam comes home.
i feel guilty letting Elijah watch TV.

i feel guilty not responding to emails on time.

i feel guilty that i can't keep up with everything and everyone.

i feel guilty when i don't truly enjoy Elijah. or if i don't think i play with him enough.

just guilt, overwhelming & painful guilt.

this was one of the first things i talked to my counselor about when i started going to therapy.

i told him how i didn't feel like i measured up to the other mothers around me.

and how most days i feel like a failure.

i told him i know i should be happy

i should enjoy being a mom

i should be recognizing my blessings more

and i should not be so upset all the time.

then he said, "'should' needs to be a swear to you from now on. think of 'should' as the worst possible swear word you could ever say. and stop using it in your thought process."

he continued to explain to me that the only thing "should" was doing for me was making me feel worse. in some cases, "should" can be a motivating word and encourage people to try to be better or work harder.

but the way i was using it, it was debilitating me.

instead of being a motivation tool, it was a way for me to point out all of my faults and focus on what i was doing wrong instead of what i was doing right.

my counselor told me instead of saying "should" i need to either 1. be okay with the fact that i'm not doing something and move on or 2. change the behavior.

and that's what i've been trying to do.

so Eli watched 2 episodes of "Super Why" this morning.
and i didn't make breakfast for us so we snacked on cereal instead.

and when Elijah is whining and i'm too tired, sometimes i give him suckers to make him happy and give me a minute to breathe.

this is what i do sometimes.

maybe i shouldn't be doing it. but it's over now. it's already done.

and all i can hope is that i will try better the next day.

i'm not always good at remembering to just be okay with things.

but i'm trying.

i'm trying to show my family that i love them & care about them.

i'm trying to be more accepting of myself.

and i'm doing my best to learn to just be happy. {not guilty}

and really, doesn't that matter more than stressing over making heart shaped pancakes??