in my dreams

Sometimes {oftentimes} I get really discouraged about things... 

I get frustrated that all I do is stay home, 

that I'm not using my degree in a career that I've always wanted, 

that we are still students and will forever be students, 

that I don't have XYZ like so-and-so does, 

that I've washed the same dishes 183462 times and folded laundry 7289 more times, 

that my life is just... plain.

disappointing? 

not what I expected. 

Then I have these moments of perfect clarity, 

where all of a sudden I'm my past self peeking in the window of the present, 

and I think 

this is all I've ever wanted. 

Growing up I imagined my handsome & loving husband coming home, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace and giving me a kiss on the cheek as I finish preparing dinner. 

I thought of my sweet little children, playing and laughing all day as I got to stay home and make up stories with them. 

I pictured going on family walks, holding the baby while my husband chased my older kids on their bikes. 

I dreamt of a loving home, full of happiness & joy & chubby babies, and all of us coming together at then end of the day reading stories and giving piggy back rides to bed. 

Throughout the years many of my goals & aspirations in life have changed. 

My career goals have ranged from teacher to doctor to therapist to hair stylist and everywhere in between. 

My dream home is continually evolving. 

My likes, wants, desires are shifting daily. 

But the one thing that has never, ever changed has been my dreams for my family. 

And although there have been many unexpected things along the way, 

many hard times and sorrows, 

I look at my cute, sweet, perfect little family of four and think, 

"This is what I've always dreamed of

and all that will ever matter." 

my little family

My friend took these pictures for us {on very short notice cause she's so kind and amazing!} for our Christmas cards this year and I forgot to post them here. 

I love all the little moments she captured and the little personalities of each of my babes. 

I love this little family of mine more than anything! 

I never thought this would be my life but man it's pretty crazy/great/wonderful!!

farewell my kind & faithful friend

{my cousin Tawna and Uncle Steven playing at my wedding reception}

My cousin Tawna passed away this week suddenly and it has been hard to wrap my brain around it. She was one of the most amazing women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving. Her kindness, positivity, testimony, love, and talents far exceeded almost every other person I've met. She went through a lot in her life but talking to her and being around her you wouldn't have known by her strength and optimism. 

Tawna was one of the most incredible musicians you ever heard. She played multiple instruments but her violin skills were ones that I constantly stood in amazement of. She could pick up a violin and it was like heaven was singing and dancing all around you. And her fiddling! 

One of my greatest & most pivotal experiences I had as a teenager was sitting and talking with Tawna at my house one day. We were talking about playing the violin and I was telling her how discouraged I was that I would never be as good as I desperately wanted. Especially with so much talent around me in my own family, I felt like it just wasn't meant for me. She sat and had a wonderful heart to heart with me about the power of music in her life and how it helped her grow in amazing ways, including growing closer to the Savior. She told me that we all have talents and we are put here to share them and bless others. And it doesn't matter that our talents might not be the same or as good as others' talents, but that we are magnifying our callings and glorifying God. 

The whole conversation changed my perspective. Not just with playing the violin but in being confident in my abilities, the abilities that God gave me. Having confidence in myself and in the love the Savior has for me. 

I don't remember everything that was said exactly. But I remember going away from that experience with more love and admiration for my dear cousin than ever. And I remember feeling more peace and love and confidence than any previous moment in my life. 

Tawna was one of my heroes, one of my greatest examples. I look up to her in a million ways. 

I know she is happy where she is. I know she is working hard and blessing lives. But I also know that earth lost one of its great ones this week. One of its strongest and most valiant. And now heaven is being filled with her wonderful music and stories for all the angels to dance and sing. 

We love you Tawna! Until we meet again. 

to the beach!

As a "Welcome Summer & holy-cow-we're-going-to-have-two-kids-soon" celebration, we decided to take a little family vacation to California to visit Adam's family and see some sights. We started our trip off with a stop at Pismo Beach and got to spend about two days there enjoying the sand and sun. 

We were going to meet Adam's parents there but his mom got really sick and wasn't able to come. So it just ended up being the three of us and we realized it was our very first vacation with just our little family. We missed Gigi and Grandpa (Elijah asked for them everyday! and counted down the hours until we would see them at their house) but it was a nice time to bond just the three of us. 

The beach was pretty cold and as you got to the shore you would get hit with a freezing blast of wind. But that didn't stop Elijah! We couldn't keep up with him and his need for the sand and waves. While we would be bundled up in layers, Elijah was totally fine just running around in his swim suit and getting chased by the big waves. He loved watching them hit the sandy beach and ran around looking for seashells and crabs. Seriously, that kid was meant for beach life. 

We also got to see a lot of wildlife while we were there which was really awesome! Our first night there we saw dolphins from our balcony jumping out of the water. It was seriously the coolest thing ever! Poor Elijah though couldn't ever see them fast enough, so instead he would just call out "Did you see that dolphin?!?!" really excitedly even when nothing was around cause he really wanted to be part of the excitement. We also went to the pier and saw barge-loads of seals & sea lions, some even swimming right below us. And at the tide pools we saw tons of crabs, urchins, and anemones and we even saw two big starfish. Life made. 

We love Pismo and it's full of so many wonderful memories for us. Adam grew up going there as a kid with his family and then we also got to spend a few nights of our honeymoon there. Going there again with our own little family was a pretty cool "Circle of Life" moment. I hope we can keep the Pismo tradition alive for our own kids and continue to make memories there in the years to come.