small victories

I focus on my failures about 80-90% of the day.
I nitpick all the things I've done wrong that day and contemplate how many ways I'm ruining my kids.
I'm a bad mother I tell myself.
Not well-suited for this role.

Elijah has been my greatest challenge.
From the time he was an infant I have struggled with how best to rear up this precious child.
I judge my worth on how well he behaves and listens.
If he gets in trouble, it's my own fault.
My greatest challenge. And my greatest mercy.

There's a million things I don't understand about why I was chosen to be his mother.
A million things ways I know I'm screwing this up.
A millions ways I feel like I'm failing him.

There are also a million reasons why I know we were meant to be together.

At the General Women's Meeting I was contemplating my own role as mother and nurturer.
My first reaction was to feel guilty at how much I fall short.
But then almost as quickly as that thought came it was replaced even more swiftly with all the things I know I'm doing right.

Elijah knows what Family Home Evening is.
Even though he almost never sits and listens to my simple lessons, he knows that we gather together to sing songs and learn about Jesus.
He reminds us about our lesson each week, even offering to do it himself once.

Elijah looks forward to our family dinners each night.
He loves "helping" me cook and loves to ask what I'm going to make.
He knows and expects his mom to cook something {hopefully} delicious from scratch.
Though he loves "Ronald McDonald's" (as he calls it), most of the time when given the option he will choose mom's home cooking over a cheeseburger.
[Except when he remembers they give out toys. He will always pick the toy.]
If we eat leftovers or sandwiches for dinner (on the weekends) instead of making a big meal, Elijah knows immediately it's out of place and will ask when I'm going to make dinner instead.
Though tiring at times, it makes me proud that my son knows about different healthy meals and loves eating with his family at home.

Usually it's a tactic to delay bedtime, but Elijah reminds us to have family prayer if we forget.
We have also started the routine of reading his edition of the Book of Mormon before bed, one that he seems to look forward to each night.
I'm pretty sure the stories don't make a lot of sense to him, but I can see that habit and understanding forming already and it makes me happy to see him eager to hear scripture stories.

The other day Elijah hurt another baby I watch during the week.
He knows that's not something we do and he knows I get really mad about it.
After weeks of telling him to be gentle to {both!} babies, and him usually ignoring me, I could see that he actually finally showed some remorse for his actions.
Before I could even question what happened he regretfully told me what he did and how terrible he felt about it.

He apologized to me and told me he knew it was bad.
It took every ounce of me to not smile and laugh at this amazing progress he's made; to show sorrow for his bad choices and to say sorry before I even asked is a humungous step we've been working on for ages.
Something is finally sticking and I feel some weight slowly lifting after five years of feeling like I'm drowning.

I know I am still not the best mom.
I know I still have a lot of things to work on,
both in my parenting and in my self-confidence.

But I like to think that I'm pretty okay.
That I'm surviving.
We're surviving.
We're healthy and happy.
We're learning and progressing.
We have small victories amidst the greater struggles.
And in the end that's what's really going to matter

floral, stripes & bumps

top: c/o Persunmall // skirt: Kohl's // shoes: Target // necklace: Claire's

BUMP AHEAD!! 

I love this skirt and how comfortable it is. And stretchy! 

I got it while I was in California and have worn it at least twice a week since. 

It's perfect to wear through pregnancy and after. 

Though Adam does laugh at how it accentuates my new pregnant budonkadonk. 

Cause when the doctor says I need to watch my weight gain, it's cause it allllll goes to my backside. 

{emoticon for sticking tongue out.} 

#sweatpantsaretheonlythingthatfitmerightnow

So grateful for oversized, flowy tops & stretchy bottoms! 

They have been a lifesaver this pregnancy. 

And have helped me avoid most of the unflattering maternity clothes that make me feel like I'm wearing circus tents. :)

guilt v. shame

i just like this view + cute little Eli :)

one year older and hopefully one year wiser. 

wiser where it matters--how i treat myself & view my worth. 

starting with my guilt. 

my debilitating guilt.
or what i always used to call guilt.

but actually it's not guilt.
we use the word "guilt" a lot when describing our feelings but fail to recognize what it really means.

guilt = the belief that i did something bad.
but shame on the other hand = the belief that i am bad.

we use guilt & shame interchangeably but they are in fact two distinctly different emotions.
they reflect how we view ourselves and how we deal with disappointment, failure, and heartache.

guilt focuses on our behavior & actions. the feeling of guilt leads us to more prosocial behavior, it helps us find ways to fix the problem and change the situation.
shame focuses on our feelings and turns us inward. we want to hide, we feel unworthy and hopeless of ever being better than we are currently. we feel stuck. shame is destructive.

after a conversation with my counselor i opened up about all the things i feel bad about.
past mistakes, present actions, future wrongs i'm sure to commit...
and ultimately, why i don't think i deserve certain things.
she calmly confronted me and said what i was really feeling was shame,
because shame is what turned me into a self-loathing person.

anytime i start to beat myself up
{the most common thought: i'm a terrible mom because... lots of reasons}
i try to remember the difference between guilt vs. shame and adjust my actions or feelings accordingly.

a) i can either let the feelings consume me and give in to the fact that yes, i am a terrible mother.
or
b) i can use those feelings to work hard to overcome my weaknesses, to fix my mistakes that i feel bad about, and to push me to be a better person.
to reach my full potential.
to realize i am worth it all. 

guilt = [can be] healthy/natural part of life
shame = unhealthy

guilt = i can accept in my life to make worthwhile changes
shame = has no place here



p.s. for a maybe more upbeat post ;), i'm being featured over at Style Elixir as this week's Head Stylist. so so exciting!!! check it out here. 

my disease

i have a sickness that i'm sure thousands of other people, especially women, suffer from.

it is debilitating. 

it is extremely harmful to my body & mind. 

and if left untreated, it can make life not worth living. 

this disease is "i'm-not-good-enough-otosis" 
or otherwise known as "always-comparing-ititis"

[also, i watch Doc McStuffins with Elijah and got good at making up words :)]

this is something i have always struggled with. 

whenever i get in a bad place, the first thing to blame is that i'm comparing... again. 

it has put a wedge in my friendships, in my relationships, in my parenting, and in my marriage. 

when i first started to go to therapy, the first thing i told my counselor was,

"i have a blessed life. but i don't know how to be happy in it."

the problem was i saw so many of my friends going on trips, moving into houses, having cutest/most fashionable clothes, buying the newest gadgets & products, looking way more beautiful, more talented, more crafty, more likeable.... 

do you see where i'm going with this? 

i could keep going. 

Adam is well aware of this problem. he {unfortunately} has to call me out on it often. 

i know it's tiring for him. 

it's tiring for me. 

but they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. 

and thankfully a year and half ago i was able to do so in a safe environment. 

ever since i have realized that i have this disease

{and it really is a disease}
{and it unfortunately took me some time to finally admit that i even had it},
i have had to constantly make conscious decisions to avoid things that would make my comparing worse. or actively seek out situations that will help me feel more worthwhile.

with the help of my counselors & my loving husband, i have tried to make a list of {mostly} fail-proof ways to combat the sickness that is comparison-ocosis:

-i try to limit social media, 

-i limit some of the blogs i read, 

-i try to focus on & remember my blessings daily,

-i surround myself with people that are supportive & understanding, 

-i try to focus on things that i love, not trends that will pass away {definitely can be hard. but worth it}, 

-and instead of feeling sorry for myself, i try to actually improve on the things that i may not like. 

it is a work in progress. 

every.single.day.of.my.existence. 

but i know that if i want to be happy, truly & wonderfully happy, this is the first thing that must go. 

and eventually, practice will make perfect, right? 

or at least soon there will be a more permanent cure.

[it's called higher self esteem :)]

digging the hole

 
[crappy but cute picture of E-rock]

one of the best things seeing a counselor has done for me has been making me aware of when i start to spiral down my hole.
i can see the signs more clearer,
and i have the hope that i can shake it off easier instead of succumbing to the fog.

when i start to dig that hole back to the dark place i:
don’t eat [just make food for Eli],
sleep all day,
am tired even after sleeping all day,
very quick to react & get upset after {even just semi} bad days,
excuse away outside activities,
let the loads of to-dos pile on me,
and all around feel sorry for everything and anything

i’m a mess.
i’m a big emotional mess.
and a lot of times it feels like i can’t do much about it.
it just becomes too overwhelming.

after moving and Adam started school, i felt myself going down this road
again.
i was constantly frustrated with Elijah.
even after sleeping soundly through the night, i would still doze on the couch while Eli watched cartoons, take a nap when he took a nap, take another mini-nap after dinner, and still go to bed regularly.
i wasn’t taking care of myself or trying to be productive.
i didn’t want to go anywhere during the day until Adam came home.
i don’t really remember making any meals.
i just felt like i was carrying a heavy load all the time.
and felt so sad even though things really were not that bad around me.

this started going on for over a week until i realized what was happening.
i could feel myself falling into the pit and realized i needed to fight it instead of give in to it all over again.
that is one thing counseling helped me with; it gave me the right tools and vocabulary to know how to overcome these i-just-want-to-shut-the-world-out feelings.

now once i start feeling consumed by everything i have a simple game plan to help me: 
:: i take a shower, put on make-up, and actually get dressed cute for the day.
{not to say that anytime i stay in sweats means i'm having a bad day. this just helps on the real bad days}
:: i try hard to make a real meal for Elijah and myself.
:: i get out of the house; we either walk around outside or go to the store.
{which can actually be a terrible experience but i have high hopes each time}
:: i try to make a plan for the day and stick to it, even if it’s as simple as:
1. wake up
2. play with Elijah
3. run errands
4. make dinner
5. go to bed
:: i try to make simple, realistic goals for myself that i know i can get done and feel accomplished.

even just doing these {seemingly} little things makes a world of difference!

i'm grateful for the knowledge and awareness i now have to live a happier, healthier life,
for myself & my family.
it definitely helps make the days seem brighter.

------------------------------------------------------

i am sure i'm not the only one that gets feelings like this at times
[having gone to counseling or not].
i'm sure i'm not completely alone.  
so that’s why i share these experiences in hopes that we can all support one another and that it can help even one other person that may be going through the same thing.

mommy time-out

there’s no doubt that Elijah is cute.
and there’s absolutely no doubt that i love him.
but that doesn’t mean i always enjoy every second with him.
and to even say that out loud makes me sick with guilt.

but if i learned anything in therapy it is to be honest with my feelings.
so this is my honest struggle.

this weekend i was completely at my limit with Elijah.
he was just constantly in my face {literally}, thought my stomach was the best kind of trampoline, yelling, hitting, running around like a mad-man in circles, not sleeping, not listening, just going nuts. 
at one point on Saturday night i told Adam that i just could not take it anymore and i needed a mental break.
i mean, i knew he was cute. i knew he was sweet. and he was doing really funny things!
but i was just so overwhelmed i couldn’t appreciate it all.

so i took a nap.
Adam was nice enough to take over from there and deal with Elijah {even though he was a little fed up too} and i took a little nap and cooled off.
by the time i woke up, Elijah had gone to bed only to wake up a couple of hours later refusing to go back to sleep.
even though i had just been frustrated with him an hour before, i was able to go get him out of bed lovingly, cuddle with him on the couch, and try to sing him back to sleep.
i was calm & collected.
i showed him love when he needed it.
and i was able to be the mom he needed most after taking a moment to accept how i was feeling.

when i first started talking to my counselor, one of the first things he taught me was to take the time to address my true feelings and take a time out. 
he helped me see that it is just not realistic to be happy/positive/upbeat/calm every single second.
especially with a toddler.

and i have tried to do just that.
when i start feeling myself getting overwhelmed or frustrated, i have tried to open up more about it instead of pushing it down deep, slapping on a fake smile, and waiting until i boil over.
if Adam is home, i tell him, “i am getting a little frustrated right now and i need a break.”
he has been really amazing to step in when he sees me getting tired and let me have a break {or quick nap}. 

and when he’s not home, i open it up to the universe & to God.
“right now, i’m getting really frustrated with Elijah. help me get through it.”
and from there i can understand how i’m really feeling and what i need to do to overcome it.
it helps me understand that i’m reaching my breaking point and i need to adjust my sails accordingly.
i try to get Elijah distracted with something else so i can go in the back room for a breather.
or we take a trip outside.
or {most of the time} i realize it’s time for Elijah’s nap and that’s why he’s being cranky anyways.

this has helped me tremendously!!
i cannot even fully describe how much better i can handle the day when i choose to honestly say,
“right now, my son is getting on my nerves.”
because when i am honest with myself & my feelings, i can then know how to be a better mother and change how i react.
i can give myself the mental & emotional break i need to be the best, healthiest, loving mother Elijah needs.

it might seem kind of backwards.
i mean, how could saying your kid frustrates you make you a better mom?
but it’s the act of being genuine with how i feel that has helped me find the way to get back on track.
and knowing i can take it all one day at a time so that i can give my son the most love he deserves.

overload

[warning: i don’t really know where this post is going. mainly i just needed an outlet for my stress i guess]

this week my emotions & stress levels have gone into overdrive.
i feel completely overwhelmed
and i can feel myself caving in.

we are trying to make plans for next year and it is proving to be so incredibly stressful.
so many calls, so many lists, so many pros & cons, so many unhelpful people, so many things to do, so much money, so much pressure.

i get overwhelmed, then i get sick to my stomach, then i get agitated, then i get tired and give in to the stress and sleep the days away.
so that’s what i have been doing this last week{s}… succumbing to the overload of anxiety and ignoring other responsibilities.
and then when i put off the things i know i’m supposed to be doing, i start feeling loads of guilt.
vicious cycle.

i was talking to Adam about how i have been feeling and thankfully he was incredibly understanding.
even though he probably has lots of reasons to be mad, he showed me lots of love instead.
{i mean, before last night neither of us could remember the last time i cooked}
and through his love he reminded me that i need to get up & move forward.
nothing good was coming out of me feeling bad about myself.

there was a place to accept & acknowledge the feelings i was having, but then afterwards there was a time to get up and do something about it.
i have the power & the tools to make the necessary changes to be happy.

so yesterday i made dinner again.
and today i actually woke up before Elijah and took a shower.
and although i still feel incredibly anxious and just want to go back to sleep, i know i have a little boy to take care of and personal goals to accomplish.
i can get through this rut.
one day at a time.

80/20 rule

it’s been almost a year since i first started going to counseling.
although i’m not going currently, i learned a lot of tools that i am able to apply to my life for years to come.

after my very first session with my counselor, i felt really great!
not just great, amazing, free, empowered to be able to make the necessary changes in my life.
the next week when i went in for another appointment, i told my therapist how incredible the last week had been and how great i had felt.
i already felt like i was making great progress.
i was going to fight this!
and i was going to get over my depression quickly & back to my real self.

the following week after my second session was tough.
i wasn’t as suddenly strong/healed as i thought i was before.
i struggled tremendously to be positive & upbeat.
life got me down again.
and i felt like i was all of a sudden pushed back to square one.

i told my counselor how i failed.
i was embarrassed that after having one really great week how i could fall down yet again.
i thought something was wrong with me, like i was incapable of holding on to any good feeling i had.
why was this so hard for me?

then my counselor said, “well that sounds very ambitious of you. why do you expect to be totally in control of your feelings after one week? you are a big perfectionist, aren’t you?”

it all just kind of hit me.
yeah, i am a perfectionist and yeah, i set very ambitious expectations for myself.
and it’s not necessarily a good thing.

i then learned a very important rule which i have tried to follow ever since:
the 80/20 rule.

in school, you don’t have to get 100% on every test to pass the class.
90% is still an A {depending on the teacher i guess…}
and 80% is a pretty good high average.
so you might miss 20% of the questions, but that doesn’t mean you failed!
you still passed with high marks.

this is how i’ve started to look at my hard days.
i can’t be perfectly happy 100% of the time.
life isn’t perfect. life is hard. life is going to continue to be hard!
Elijah will whine, me and Adam will argue, and i will question my ability as a mother & wife.
these are facts. 

so i allow myself to have hard days.
i give myself a 20% cushion to be upset & overwhelmed.
and then i try better the next day to reach that goal of an 80% passing rate.

the truth is, i still struggle a lot!
but following the 80/20 rule has been one of my saving graces.
it gives me more perspective & balance to my life.
and it helps keep me motivated to move forward.

maybe soon i’ll actually be strong enough to work up to a 90/10 rate.
maybe 95/5 {hah! yeah right! that seems impossible}
but i know that if i keep trying to at least have more good days than bad [and allow myself to have the bad days] i'm on the right track to happiness.

 

30x30 under $30: day 28

[top: Shade sale; skirt, boots, belt: thrifted; tights: Target; necklace: After Nine to Five but no longer makes them, can find similar one here]

guys.
it’s almost over!
two more posts and i’m done with the 30x30 under $30 challenge!
are you all bored with it already??
has it become super lame?
do i ask this every time?
sorry.

i realized as i was finishing up these pictures that there were some items i hardly wore or didn’t wear at all [or didn’t take any pictures of]. i’m pretty sure my 30 items got me through way more than just 30 days.
and i’m pretty sure i could take about 20 items instead of 30 and still get through 30 days of different outfits.
and still be under $30.

isn’t that crazy???
here i am not thinking i don’t have anything to wear most of the time, hating my clothes and my style, coveting everyone else’s wardrobe, wanting to spend money on clothes i really don’t need/have money for….
and i got through 30 days+ with mixing and matching the same pieces!!

for me, that’s pretty incredible honestly!
i mean, of course i still want to go buy a bunch of new clothes and hit up the huge Downeast sale that’s happening right now.
but i think i’m finally learning to separate my emotional spending from my “i actually need this” spending.
which is quite honestly a very, very hard lesson for me to learn.

even in high school once i got my first job, i hardly ever thought about saving my money. all i wanted to do was go to Old Navy or Forever 21 and buy clothes & accessories to my heart’s content.
got in a fight with a boyfriend?
go shopping.
angry at my parents?
go shopping.
the girls at school were mean to me?
go shopping.
i have acne and hate how i look?
go shopping of course!!

then when i got married {and especially after i had a baby} and shopping became even more dangerous.
not only did i have more stresses that i wanted to blow off and shop for, but now i had all the GUILT that comes with buying anything outside of food or diapers.
when you have a family to care for and food to worry about, you can’t just go shop whenever the heck you want.
so i have been forced to think of other stress exit strategies.

this is not all to say i don’t shop anymore at all, because i do!
[and i still struggle from time to time with wanting to shop all my cares away]
but i {like to think} that i have become a lot smarter about how/when/why i shop.
i try to understand and assess my emotions before checking out.
i constantly ask myself “do i really need this?” or even “how will this make me feel in a week?”

putting a filter on my emotional spending habits has definitely helped me get a handle on my anxiety a lot better.
at least it’s helped me have one less thing to be anxious about.

 

---------------------------------------------------

and i have winners to announce!

the {new} winner of the Crowley Party ad space giveaway is: Gentri!!
the winner of the Live.Laugh.L0ve giveaway is: Jenni.Austria.Germany!!

congratulations!!

endorphins make you happy

Ashley from After Nine to Five and i are hosting the Living the Right Life series to share how we are making changes in our lives to bring true happiness and joy. we also are opening it up to all of you to link up your own thoughts and feelings of how you are living the right life for you!

 
i never really been one to have a hardcore workout regimen.
i don’t run miles and miles everyday, i don’t wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym, i don’t do yoga on the top of mountains that i climbed.
mainly because i’m pretty much the laziest person ever.

in high school i could get away with it because of PE and higher metabolism.
plus i didn’t have any other responsibilities outside of homework so i could just go home and sleep when i didn’t have energy.

but after having Elijah i’ve realized how completely out of shape i am.
i have no energy, i get tired carrying Eli up the stairs, i don’t feel good about myself/my body most days, and i can’t just sleep anytime i want to like when i was 17.

Adam knows this about me so has tried to encourage me to work out a little bit, even just doing some yoga or Wii Fit. and like any normal woman would do when their husband gently encourages them to work out i said,
“SO YOU THINK I’M FAT!?!?!”

that’s a normal reaction right?

but i knew that’s not what he meant.
i knew he was just trying to help me get my energy back because i have seen how much happier he is when he goes running in the mornings and works out at night.
but being the lazy person i am i refused to give in.

when i started going to therapy, i told my counselor about how i felt and how tired i was most days.
he told me that one of the best ways to combat depression & anxiety was to get up, get moving, and get outside.
so that’s what i’ve been trying to do.

i go through waves.
sometimes me and Elijah go on a walk multiple times a week, sometimes we stay inside all day.
sometimes i pull out my old cheesy yoga video and start doing downward dog, sometimes i sit around.

but i’ve noticed that when i really make an effort to get moving, even just doing simple things, my days go SO much better!
i’m happier.
i have more patience.
i have more energy.
i get more things done.
and i overall feel a lot better about myself.

it has also helped that i’ve tried to get Elijah involved in my routine as much as possible.
so now every morning he reminds me that it’s time for Wii Fit and we pull it out together.
it’s a nice little reminder that i need to be more active
{or can be annoying on days where i just really don’t want to do it!}
and it’s a fun time for us to bond and play together.

my goal this summer is to fix up a jogging stroller we were given and go on more vigorous walks
[cause running really doesn’t entice me]
and to get out in nature more with Elijah.
i know that this will help me a lot with my own emotions but also help Eli be happier and healthier.

what are some ways you stay in shape?
my ways are pretty simple but definitely have made a difference!

he’s mine & i’m his

Ashley from After Nine to Five and i are hosting the Living the Right Life series to share how we are making changes in our lives to bring true happiness and joy. we also are opening it up to all of you to link up your own thoughts and feelings of how you are living the right life for you!

as happy i was after Elijah’s birth, i also felt like a part of me was gone.
i loved my son with my whole heart,
but i didn’t feel like myself much anymore.

i think for a while i blamed Elijah for feeling this way.
[not in a way that i didn’t love him enough] but just that i made excuses for why i was having a harder time.
he was a surprise, we weren’t married long enough before we had him, i wasn’t prepared.
i said all these things to justify to myself why i was having such a hard time with the transition.
and all who i talked to agreed with me! so i didn’t think these were any thoughts out of the ordinary.
it was the truth!

the other day i was talking to a friend and we were talking about our children and how they’ve blessed our lives individually.
besides the obvious blessings of having children
{greater capacity of love & happiness}
but our specific children with their unique personalities were given to us for individual reasons & blessings.

i’ve been thinking about this a lot.
what lessons did the Lord want me to learn through Elijah’s little energetic personality?
why was he meant to be mine instead of someone else’s?

i know i talk a lot about Eli’s high level of energy.
and although it’s overwhelming and tiring and hard… i had this rather epiphany moment where i realized why i needed him to be exactly that way.

i get depressed. i get tired. i get frustrated. and a lot of times i want to give up.
it’s hard for me to even be motivated at times. some days i hate just getting dressed to go outside and put it off til the very last minute.
but Elijah won’t let me.

Elijah wakes up the morning asking for his shoes so we can go outside first thing.
he reminds me every day to pull out the Wii Fit so we can do our exercises.
he lets me know when we need to eat and when it’s time to rest.
he hates a messy house [seriously] which motivates me to keep things clean & organized.
when i’m sad or upset, he gives me kisses & cuddles & comic relief.
when i want to be lazy and play on my phone, he {literally} pulls me by the shirt to get off the couch and do something productive.

i’m not happier just being a mom.
i’m happier being a mom to Elijah.
he balances me out perfectly & makes me do all the things i’ve needed to do for years but now have a reason to follow through.

he was given to me for special reasons, reasons that are just for me.
for a long time i blamed motherhood for making my life hard
instead of seeing that being a mother to Elijah has blessed me when life was hard.

 

making my house a home

Ashley from After Nine to Five and i are hosting the Living the Right Life series to share how we are making changes in our lives to bring true happiness and joy. we also are opening it up to all of you to link up your own thoughts and feelings of how you are living the right life for you!

around this time last year is when i really started to lose it.
it had been a hard year full of disappointments and setbacks, i was tired from going to school and caring for a baby {and not having a break!}, and i was just incredibly emotionally drained.
although i had lots of blessing in front of me, i couldn’t see them.
and although i knew i could choose happiness, i let it all overwhelm me instead.

so something i have really tried to work on this last year {okay really last few months} is finding the beauty wherever we are and realizing that i have the power to make things better.
just so you know, i really suck at remembering this lesson. but it’s still an important one nonetheless and i hope this post will help me stay accountable more.

Source: etsy.com via Megan on Pinterest

one of my biggest frustrations i have had is feeling stuck in our tiny apartment with a very active 2-year-old [next month]. this was one of the first things i talked about to my therapist.
he used the word TRAPPED. 
and i’m pretty sure that sums it all up well.

some days, it feels like the walls are closing in around me & there’s no where to go.
Eli’s crib is literally in a corner because we don’t have space for a cutesy nursery/playroom and need his room for storage. we have to keep the back doors closed at all times because there’s too many things he can get into confining him to a 15’x12’ space to play [or actually smaller cause of our furniture]. his toys are piled in a corner of our living room half hidden behind a chair to give some kind of semblance of order.

it’s not a cute, matchy place with new furniture & brightly painted walls and shelves filled with Target/Anthropologie/insert-the-typical-blogger-store-here knick knacks.
it’s definitely cozy but can be a little too cozy when your kid is all over the place!
[anyone with a toddler that lives in an apartment can probably understand… hopefully]

for a while, all i could think about was how sucky this situation was. i was sick and tired of it all and i just wanted a fresh start, maybe another bedroom, and storage!!
of course, once we plan something and get our hearts set on it, the Lord humbles us and reminds us that He has a different idea of what we should be doing.

a few months ago, i was talking to my friend and telling her all my concerns and frustrations with my space
[fyi: her apartment is SO amazingly cute and organized!]
she helped me see that no matter our circumstances, we can make our homes {and lives} beautiful if we choose to put forth some effort.
even small changes can make a big difference.

feeling empowered by her advice and seeing that she implemented that herself in her life {hence the adorable apartment}, i decided to get to work and make my place something that i loved!

i started developing my talents and finding things that i am really passionate about.
i started making cheap decorations, adding color to the walls to brighten up the space.
i hung shelves and pictures in our rooms.
i started cooking and baking more.
i rearranged bookshelves/cabinets/shelves that seemed cluttered and simplified.
i painted my toenails and bought new lotion.
i listened {and danced} to music.
i sang in the shower.
i opened the windows to let in the beautiful spring air.
i started going outside more [now that’s it’s warmer!]
i found joy in caring for my little family [instead of feeling suffocated by them]

all these things sound very simple and honestly probably very silly.
obviously painting my toenails doesn’t change the fact that Elijah still sleeps in the corner and our closets are stuffed with bins.
but it makes me feel good.
and when i feel good, i have a better attitude about it all.

and that’s what really matters. attitude.
when i made the efforts to change my attitude it made a world of difference of how i see my life.

my life is good.
my life is beautiful.
and i’m okay.

Source: shelbymae.blogspot.com via Megan on Pinterest

 

i shared this post as a guest post on Living in Yellow recently. i liked it so much that i wanted to share it as part of the Living the Right Life series. {sometimes i feel like i write way better guest posts than personal blog posts, ha} but honestly this is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately so i wanted to share it again. hopefully you’re not getting too sick of this message!

routines & anxiety

Ashley from After Nine to Five and i are hosting the Living the Right Life series to share how we are making changes in our lives to bring true happiness and joy. we also are opening it up to all of you to link up your own thoughts and feelings of how you are living the right life for you!

last year i opened up about my struggles with depression and anxiety.
i talked about the overwhelming emotions i felt as well as my decision to go to therapy and get help for myself {and family}

i feel like i haven’t talked about my journey to get help in quite some time so i thought today for the Living the Right Life series i would share something that has helped me tremendously to manage my anxiety.
it’s actually something my counselor had told me before but i didn’t realize {or believe} really would help until after my small breakdown and all of you shared some of the same great tips with me.

what i’m referring to is having a routine.

last summer, my counselor taught me some tools to use to combat my anxiety.
some of things he encouraged me to do was:
1. come up with projects/activities that would help me feel personally fulfilled throughout the week [not that being mother isn’t fulfilling but when that is the only thing you are doing and not taking time for your personal needs, it can be overwhelming and stressful and for me led to a very sad place]
and 2. come up with a schedule or routine to organize my time and motivate me to do other things.

for some of you, this may seem like common sense. of course you should have other projects to do and of course you should have some kind of routine. but for me, it was all new.

my counselor helped me see that i could still, quite simply, be me after having a child. i just had to make some conscious efforts. and being myself or making time for myself didn’t make me a bad mother. in fact it made me a better one and i learned i could find fulfillment in other things besides diaper changes and spit up.

so i started by making a list of stuff i wanted to do.
it was a really, REALLY, long list [i still have it] consisting of 16+ different projects/activities that i swore i was going to work on each week.
and then i went about making my schedule. which, as you can imagine, was completely packed because of each activity i promised myself i would do. i had every.single.half hour scheduled with things to do and had very rigid requirements for how i was going to accomplish it all.

my counselor even questioned my schedule asking if i was taking on too much.
he worried i was going to get overwhelmed, starting this whole spiral back down to feeling trapped by the anxiety of not being able to do it all.
i reassured him that it was fine. i was pumped. i was excited. i knew i could take on the world!
and that lasted 2 weeks.

so i dropped the schedule and went back to staying in my house, barely going out {unless a sweet friend invited me to giving me a reason to get dressed}, put projects aside, and tried to make it through.

of course things did come up that would help me a lot. such as getting hired by Stronger Marriage, having close & caring friends, being part of the BlogHer book club, working with Ashley, church callings, and having this little blog with so many supportive readers
{that’s you! thank you!!}
i know the Lord was blessing me with those things to help me feel at peace.
but after this last month, i knew i still needed something more, some kind of solid routine to help me through the days especially as Elijah has gotten bigger, smarter, and more energetic.

so i’ve gone back to keeping a schedule. but this time, each half-hour isn’t filled out.
instead, i have only “scheduled” the absolute necessary things that need to get done during the day and the rest is very flexible. it’s more of a guide you could say.

i have times where i get work done, i have times where we try and go outside {anywhere!} even if that’s running errands, and i have times where i put the computer away and just focus on Elijah.
instead of rigid time slots, most are large increments of time to make it more flexible. and each activity is based on what Eli’s attitude is at that time (for example: he’s more antsy in the afternoons so we go outside)
i even added a few set weekly activities like going to Story Time at the library or volunteering at the elementary school on certain days of the week to look forward to something different and in a way force me to get out of the house.

it’s only been a week and half {and daylight savings has drastically messed it up somewhat}
but oh man is it helping!
i feel more energized during the day.
i feel more stress-free.
i feel happier.
i feel more loving towards my family.
i feel more in control.
i know that if i don’t get something done then i can either move things around or wait until later in the day to work on it without stressing about time slots and deadlines.
and i know that i am much more present in my interactions with Elijah instead of worrying about 16+ different projects.

i wish i had been smarter about my schedule to begin with.
i just wish i had some kind of schedule to begin with.
as my friend put it this weekend, “I don’t know you have survived without a routine!”
and i seriously don’t know how either.
lots of crying i guess! 

do you have a routine?
does it help you stay on task and not feel overwhelmed?
what are some tips you would share when creating a routine/schedule for your day?
please share any tips you have!

not my favorite stage.

this last week {weeks…month perhaps?} i’ve had a really hard time in the mom department. [hence lack of good posts/delay in emails this week]
i feel at a total loss most days and by the time Adam comes home i am just worn out and near tears.
i know i absolutely love&adore Elijah,
but lately i’ve had a really hard time actually enjoying this phase in my life.

i see&hear other mothers be completely enamored by their children.
they talk about how wonderful it is to be a mother, how much they love playing with their kids, how each day is just.so.darn.wonderful.and.amazing!

me?
that happens to me maaaaaybe a couple of times a week. but definitely not everyday.

and because of that i feel like a terrible mother.

i have come to realize Elijah has lots&lots of ENERGY! and not a long attention span.
anyone who has been around him long enough knows that this kid keeps goingandgoingandgoingandgoing…. getting into anything and everything he can get his chubby little hands on.
he gets bored easily and doesn’t stick with things for very long. once he figures out a toy or a game, it’s old news to him. {and he figures it out fast. he’s too smart for his own good really!}
but if he finally finds something that he thinks is just crazy hilarious {i.e hide-and-seek} he would make you play it for hours if you had enough stamina. and i definitely don’t have enough stamina.

i just feel like Eli is at this weird transitional age [almost 2] and i don’t really know what to do with him all day.
he doesn’t quite say a lot of comprehensible words yet, so he whines all day for “aaaah,” “oooohhhh,” or “ayyyy.”
{whatever the heck that means! making him more frustrated that i don’t understand his language}
if he’s already whiny, i get to anxious to take him out somewhere for fear that he will just be worse in public and trigger another panic attack.
he has abruptly dropped his second nap which was a huge blow to my daily routine & sanity.
he doesn’t quite understand how to really sit and play by himself even though he has tons of things to do [see above: “gets bored easily”].
he constantly wants to snack only to purposely grind the crackers into the floor over and over.
he is too young to reason with something being right or wrong but at the same time is old enough to know that i didn’t like what he did even though he still looks me straight in the eye and says “No” as he pulls out the cord out of the wall for the 100th time that day… leading to my confusion of how to really teach him correctly.

i’m just at a loss.
i have found myself crying more and more each night after Adam comes home, telling him that i just don’t think i was cut out for motherhood, so exhausted over little things honestly and not knowing how to handle everything.
i tell myself i’m not patient enough.
i’m not kind enough.
i’m too lazy.
i’m not happy enough.
and it’s all too hard sometimes. 

and then on top of those feelings, i start to feel all the guilt again.
guilt that i don’t always love being a mom.
guilt that i am not being grateful enough for this opportunity.
guilt that i’m not teaching Elijah the right things.
guilt that maybe I’M the reason Elijah is the way he is.
guilt that i’m doing it all wrong.

i have heard from so many women who have struggled to have children how they hate when mothers complain about their kids because they would give anything to have the chance.
and from their perspective, i totally agree with them.
so then i beat myself up for not fully appreciating what i’ve been given
and then i try so much harder to be that fun, loving, caring, patient, kind mom that i feel like i need to be.
trying so hard to enjoy this role.

and half way through the day i’m back in my room fighting back tears and trying to tell myself that i am a good mom no matter how much i’m feeling the opposite of that.

and in all honesty, i don’t think it has anything to do with Elijah and it’s more about me.
my problem.
there’s something wrong with me to not love this time in my life when i feel like i should.

i love Elijah more than i could ever describe.
and i truly don’t mean for this post to be one big complaint or pity party against being his mother.
cause i seriously love him so much!
thinking about not having him in my life physically hurts.
he has brought me so much more joy than i thought possible.
and i really really know he’s a good kid.
first of all, he’s adorable!!
and he’s so sweet and loving and smart and fun and silly and energetic and incredible!

but man, being a parent is a lot harder than i ever really expected.
and sometimes, at least for me, it just feels good to finally get all of that off your chest {therapeutic even} instead of pushing it down deeper and slapping on a happy face.

 

and now that i just totally burdened you all with my problems and “woe is me” attitude and possibly turned you off from ever having kids {they really are great i swear!}… if you have any advice on how to keep an almost-2-year-old entertained for longer than 15 minutes, please share your pearls of wisdom with me! i would be forever in your debt :)

lowering the bar

[this picture is blurry. and maybe over pixelated? i don’t know much about pictures. but i just know that i love this one. it’s rare that i get a picture with my baby boy!]

one of my biggest struggles is saying no.
i want to help everyone and do everything and make everyone happy.
my friend Jessica tells me all the time, “you can say no! it’s okay. people will understand.”
and i know they will understand and be supportive, but I can’t handle it.

i set incredibly high expectations for myself. and it doesn’t help that i compare myself to others [or what i perceive from others] and use it to set my bar.
and after this last month, i realized how dangerously thin i spread myself causing me to nearly have another breakdown.

granted, things happened beyond my control [sicknesses & accidents]
but i could’ve stepped back.
at any moment i could’ve recognized my limits and stopped pushing myself. but i refused.

one night, Adam was trying to be sweet and wanted to cuddle and watch a movie.
instead of melting into his arms and enjoying the moment with him, i snapped at him, told him to give me my space, and that i was really stressed and needed to finish some work.

he just kind of looked at me and said, “what work do you have to be stressed about?”
nothing.
i had no honest reason to be stressed other than i expected more out of myself.
i had been creating all this turmoil & exhaustion for myself because of my own ridiculous expectations.

i could be reveling in the fact that i get to stay home with my son all day, have absolutely nothing on my schedule besides some work for my assistantship, and just relax.
but instead i tell myself i need to write this, and do that, and go here because that’s what good moms do!
and if i want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good blogger, a good friend, i need to do everything! 

when i was going to therapy, my counselor pointed out my constant need to live up to some unrealistic ideal that i make for myself. and because of this unattainable bar i set for myself, there is no way for me to feel fulfilled or accomplished because nothing will ever be good enough.
and if i keep raising it, i will never allow myself to be happy with my life and my circumstances.

for a while i was very much aware of this problem and i felt like i did pretty well to keep it under control.
but it all came back to me recently.
so now that’s what i’m working on again.
i’m working on understanding my own limits.
i’m working on allowing myself to be human.
i’m working on putting my own needs at top priority.

in a way i think we all push ourselves to dangerous limits.
we expect too much out of ourselves and demand perfection instead of “just good enough.”
i know i struggle with this every.single.day.

i just read a quote tonight from this talk that really hit me.

“In all of these cases there should never be just two options:
perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only
options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and
development take time. Learning takes time.”

i realize that i’m not allowing myself time to grow. instead, i’m expecting it RIGHT NOW!

so part of my simplifying is lowering my bar.
doing my best but staying within my limits.

i have a lifetime to learn and to grow.
i don’t need to waste all my energy, time, and emotions on things that won’t matter in the long run.

prioritizing my life

about a month ago, the sweet Mary Kate of From the Guest Room and i started discussing ways that we wanted to simplify our lives and put our families first. we both realized that being rather “consumed” in this whole blogging world was taking its toll on our family lives and, quite honestly, our mental sanity.

it was quite refreshing to talk to someone else who was struggling like i was. i’ve noticed that as i’ve interacted more with other bloggers and shop owners, how much my confidence in myself has changed dramatically. what i once tried so hard to be as a writer/blogger, felt lost and thrown by the wayside for other tasks.

there are days where i feel like it’s impossible to keep up!
i feel stressed and tired and worn out for what really is nothing.

this weekend i finally broke down.
it was so random and unexpected but it was, quite honestly, a long time coming.
i was exhausted, i was stressed, i just mentally couldn’t take anymore!
i blew up at my husband, told him i hated my life, and just felt like crap.
i stewed and stewed and stewed.
and i didn’t even know why i was so mad!!
all i knew is that i wasn’t happy, i didn’t want to go through it anymore, and everyone else was to blame {of course!}

but then, come Sunday, i had the prompting that i greatly needed to hear.
i can change it.
i have the power, and the tools, to change how i am feeling.
i don’t have to be stressed, i don’t have to be overwhelmed, i don’t have to hate my life
[my life isn’t even that terrible! i was just so emotional!]
i have the power to gain better control of my life again & be happy.

when Mary Kate approached me and told me that she was having a difficult time as well, i finally felt like i wasn’t alone! and more than that, i felt NORMAL!
it was rare that i heard other people talking about their frustrations with trying to do it all
and even more rare to have them admit that they needed to change anything.
maybe they just don’t want to talk about it, or admit it, but what we realized is that there are more people than not that have the same challenges with prioritizing their lives!

this week, Mary Kate and i will be sharing our stories of how we decided to gain control of our lives and happiness by finding ways to simplify & prioritize our lives.
neither of us are experts by any means!
but we feel like we are in the thick of it and think there are many others who may be feeling the same way.

throughout this week, we will be sharing some more of our personal goals & the actions we have taken to cut out unnecessary noise that take away from our families & happiness. 

and on Friday, we want to invite you to link up your own posts of how you have simplified your own lives to allow yourself to feel the greatest amount of happiness.
i hope you will join us!

HAPPY {RELAXING} MONDAY!

30x30x30: day 2

[everything {except tights} thirfted, locket c/o After Nine to Five]

{if you are just tuning in, i’m doing the 30x30 challenge under $30}

guess who missed a very important meeting regarding my internship with StrongerMarriage.org?

this girl.

yes, i’ve been crying for over an hour.
yes, i feel like a total idiot & failure.
yes, i want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

ugh!!!

stupid not-sleeping-for-over-a-week/Mom brain….
i’m pretty sure this night calls for lots of ice cream & candy so i can appropriately eat my feelings.

:(

acceptance

i have a a problem with accepting myself. 
i’m a perfectionist when it comes to what i think i should be doing & i set myself high, unrealistic expectations.
unfortunately, i’ve been this way since i can remember.

in elementary school, i would get horrible stomach pains on a regular basis.
i remember going to the doctor many, many times trying to figure out what was causing this problem. over and over again they would ask me and my mom if i was stressed out.
and i would tell them over and over again, NO!
i didn’t want to admit that i was doing this to myself.

because the truth was, that even at a young age, i was constantly stressed & anxious.
in 4th grade, i was diagnosed with GERD [acid reflux] which can be exacerbated from high amounts of stress. and even though i was only 9 years old, i learned to spread myself thin and expect too much of myself.

i had to do every.single extra credit assignment.
i had to get straight A’s.
i had to be the most creative.
i had to have the best ideas.
i had to have the most responsibilities.
and if i didn’t, i was a failure. 
and if i was a failure, then that meant i wasn’t liked & accepted.

i remember in 6th grade being completely devastated because my teacher didn’t choose me to be a leader of a group project. i was a hard worker. i got good grades. i had great ideas & creativity.  but i just wasn’t good enough.

unfortunately, this mentality has stuck with me my whole life. no matter what i accomplish, it is never good enough. if i mess up once, then my world comes crumbling down.

you can imagine how much this has affected my schooling, jobs, relationships, marriage, and parenting.  though this kind of thinking has always pushed me to be better, it has also brought me to my lowest.

this last weekend, my friend’s mother came to town to visit and i got to spend some time with her for a couple of hours. let me preface this by saying: in high school, i dated her son as seriously as little high school kids could be. because i was “the girlfriend,” i was always a little nervous around her and what she truly thought of me. so when she said the following thing to me, it meant more than anyone could ever know.

she said, “you have done more to bless other’s lives than you even know. you are incredible & amazing. and you need to know that! you are better than you give yourself credit for.”

i have thought about those words for the last week and can’t help but get emotional every time.
i know she was here to help her daughter but i couldn’t help but feel that in some small way she was here to help me. because i needed her. and i needed to hear that.

too often do i beat myself up over little things.
too often do i replay conversations & events {long in the past!} and wish i did it differently
too often do i allow myself to get so caught up in my feelings of despair that i don’t allow myself to see the good all around me and the good that i have accomplished.
i think we maybe all do that to some extent.

after having a good heart-to-heart with Adam tonight, i know i need to start changing.
i need to start remembering some of the tools i learned in therapy.
one of them being, “don’t be so hard on yourself!”

i’m ready to start practicing that.
are you?

expanding and post-edit

when we were visiting Adam’s family, there was this little doll that Eli would play with so sweetly

he would rub its face,
hold it perfectly like a little baby (when he’s never held one before, mind you!),
push it around in a stroller,
and just take care of it.

whenever we see other little babies around town, on TV, or in church, Eli gets to excited and just starts staring at them wanting to touch them and play with them.

he loves babies! 

when i tell people this, their natural reaction is:
“sounds like Eli needs a little brother or sister!”
and then i cry.

it’s totally understandable that people would say this. or even for people to ask when we are going to have another baby. especially in the area i live in, it’s common to see women pregnant with their second, third, etc. baby when their youngest is around Elijah’s age.

and if you want to have your kids 2 years apart {that golden age difference} it makes sense to get pregnant now.

but i am SO NOT READY FOR IT!
and honestly, it is really hard to admit that to other women.

while they’re getting ready for another baby, i’m barely able to keep up with the E-man.
while they’re perfecting their waddle, i’m sitting in the corner trying to figure out how to handle another day.
while they’re having baby showers, i’m at home crying because i can’t handle another Sunday with Elijah running around the hallways.

but i feel like i’m expected to be ready.
i’m expected to want another baby.
i’m expected to be pregnant again.
and it’s a lot of pressure.

however, i know there is a plan for me and my family!
i know that when the time is right both Adam and i will feel ready to add to our little family.
{and we do want more kids!!}
i know that what i’m supposed to be doing right now is learning to be the best mother  for Elijah and show him the love & care he needs and deserves. 

i know that right now i shouldn’t be too worried about expanding our family as much as expanding ourselves!

i do love my family!
i love waking up to Eli’s smiling face
i love seeing Eli’s face light up as he learns new things.
i love when Adam comes home and talks and plays with us after a long day.
i love the place we are in now.
i love learning how to fulfill my calling and become a better mother.

it is really hard sometimes.
but right now it is good.
right now i think we are getting to a good place.
we’ll make it.

i know the Lord has a plan for me. and i am so grateful for that knowledge.
i also know each of our lives, choices, & decisions are different. and for me and my family it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, as long as we are doing what we are supposed to be doing for our given situation. and right now, i know this is what is right for me.

and that is pretty much a way better feeling than worrying about “peer-pressure!”
i should remember that
:)

 

post-edit: i don’t mean to come across in this post that people are rude to me and say things to me all the time. that is not the case. i know i put the pressure on myself when i see other people having babies but not feeling ready.

i just wanted to express my feelings that we are all in different situations with different needs and emotions. what may be right for me might not be right for another person. and right now i am just trying to enjoy my little family and become the best mother and wife i can be.
and that’s what is right for me.