part 1: the emotions

a few months ago when i was feeling at my lowest, i wrote the following post. i have never posted it because it was very raw, very emotional, and i thought it would turn people away.

but now i decided to share it.

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there are many moments where i feel very blessed.

but that feeling doesn’t always last long. i sit there and count my blessings and tell myself that i have so much to be happy about.

then i criticize myself for not being happy when i should. i feel guilty for not being happy when i have every reason to be. this only helps me to feel worse because not only am i sad about something to begin with, i then tell myself its unacceptable to feel that way and add the feelings of guilt on top of my sadness.

it’s a mess. a big, confusing mess.

this cycle becomes like a huge whirlpool inside of me, sucking away all feelings of joy. i can’t get out of it most times. even with the help of someone throwing me a life-line, it gets too difficult to find my way back to safer ground.

this is where i was just a few weeks ago. and even now i’m still wading, trying to find my way back but getting very close to the solid shore.

sometimes i make great progress. the shore is within reach and i’m just about to pull myself out of the water. then the whirlpool sucks me back in and i’m fighting for breath. at times i want to give up. i feel like a failure for being so close and then letting myself be in this position again.

why am i so weak?
why can’t i just get over it?
why can’t i just be happy and move on?

but there are some feelings so deep within me, within all of us maybe, that can sometimes hinder our progression. feelings and ideas that were learned early on that are hard to change.

mine is the feeling that it is unacceptable to be sad. it is unacceptable to not be disappointed with your life and you must always think about what is good instead of what is bad.

so instead of letting my real, human feelings of sadness and pain show, i try hard to brush it off and put on a happy face. because if you are sad, then you are ungrateful. and if you are ungrateful then you are not a worthy daughter of God.

i have never addressed these issues before. i have only recently been made aware of how warped my perceptions of the world are. in the past, i would just continue the dangerous cycle of pain, sadness, frustration, guilt, fake happiness back to pain. this cycle would just push me deeper and deeper into the darkness.

until i finally hit rock bottom.
and rock bottom hurts.

and that brings me to today.
today was a good day.
today i was in view of the shoreline.
i felt genuinely happy.

i feel like i have you to thank for these honest feelings of joy. thank you for your support in my journey to be genuine and honest. thank you for showing your love for me and for seeing what i may not be able to see at times.

i know this is a very personal journey for me and i don’t mean for everyone to share such personal emotions on their social network of choice. {as maybe people thought i meant in this post}

but i feel like if just one person can open up a little bit about the very real emotional struggles that they are dealing with, many other people might be able to be lifted from their own emotional bondages as well. and even if i am the only person, i think that it can still help so many others.

as much as i try to be, i am not perfect. no one is. there is no shame in that statement even though i can feel the sting of it sometimes. i’m working through it. and i hope to share it with you.

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i hope i don’t offend anyone for my honesty.
i just feel like this will be the best for me.
and i only hope others will be able to benefit from writing about it too.