let’s cut the crap

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i felt like i haven’t been completely honest with myself or you.

here’s the thing.

i like to blog. i like to read blogs. i like to see what everyone else is doing and how they are doing it. yet most of the time it’s entirely harmful to my self-esteem.

i read about people’s great experiences and wonderful attitudes on life and hilarious stories and think to myself, “why can’t i be like them?”

but then i tell myself, “self, you are being ridiculous! these people aren’t showing their honest feelings on their blogs. so don’t compare.”

yes i say that to myself but i never listen. i compare and judge and feel bad for myself and run off and mope. it really is a horrible cycle.

i wanted to change that blog persona of “let me show everyone how my life is so great and i never have any trials” and made a vow to myself and blogger.com that i would be a genuine, authentic blogger. i would talk about how i really feel, how life is hard, how life is great, how motherhood is rewarding and completely challenging, how most days i want to curl up in the back room and how i totally and completely love my family yet we have major flaws.

i was going to be completely honest. 

but recently i feel like i have broken that vow to pieces.

i have written posts about how things have been so dandy around here and how great it was to graduate and how i am free to be a mother, a wife, and a Daughter of God.

but the truth is, i really struggle sometimes remembering i am a Daughter of God and feeling good about myself in general. and although i may be free from homework, now i’m left to sit and wonder “what the heck am i doing with my life?!?!”

and i bet a lot of the people who read this do as well.

so i want to apologize for pretending, for being fake, and for trying to act like the perfect wife & mother that i know full-heartedly i’m not.

but i’m trying.

oh boy am i trying!

and that’s what i want this blog to be about.

i want to share the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the happiness and the pain.

i want to be authentic and honest. and i hope to high heavens i never make readers feel inadequate like i have felt oh so many times. (i know it wasn’t intentional to make me feel this way.. but still.)

i titled my blog “and here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson” for a reason. besides the fact that that song was written for a movie about an adulterous woman…. i like the lyrics. this song has always seem to resonate with me even before i met adam. and it hit me even more when literally right after we got engaged it came on the radio. it was always meant to be i guess.

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)

this is my journey.
this is my life.
this is what i want to share with all of you.

if you’ll let me.

13 comments:

Katy said...

Ahhh, I just wrote a NOVEL of a comment and...it didn't go through. Curse Blogger. [Insert angry fist.] Let's try it again.

What I was going to say is that I have been having these exact same feelings over the past few days and actually had a long conversation with my mom about it the other day. I've been struggling lately with...what's the right word...jealousy? It's so easy to waste time on facebook and blogs, reading about everyone's awesome lives and seeing pictures of these gorgeous, skinny, talented, fashionable young moms. I think, wow, I need to look like them and learn how to do all those things like them. This is a huge weakness of the female sex. Why can't we just be HAPPY for others, instead of comparing ourselves to them? I've struggled with this my whole life. But I have to stop and remind myself that these "perfect" girl I gawk at are, deep down, struggling with stuff just like I and everyone else is. They each have their secret burdens and tears. We just don't hear about it. Which is understandable. I honestly don't want the public to know about most of my problems.

Wow..yep, this is still a novel. Sorry. Anyway, my mom and I made the goal together to work on being genuinely happy for others when we hear of their accomplishments and exciting news. It's hard. But it's healthy for the spirit.

Keep blogging Megan! I personally love the honest thoughts you share on here. :)

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

I totally relate. It is like when facebook and myspace first came about... you all of a sudden saw into people's lives and started...comparing! WOMEN ALWAYS COMAPRE. I don't know why we do it, but we do. &we are our worst critics, and rip ourselves apart, when we look at someone else's life that seems I don't know better or more together. We just have to remember that these are just images put up online, and everyone has insecurites and issues, no one has a perfect life. Just remember to focus on YOU and your life &like you said Your Heavenly father loves you!

Amber Marie said...

very true.

however, it is a little unfair to think they are not being honest when really they are just not showing or expressing ALL of their daily experiences and feelings. and i think that is ok as long as we, as the readers, remember that point. i made the decision some time ago to edit down what blogs i read and now that i've been perusing blogs for over 6 years ni can easily spot when people are just pushing fluff on their blog.

everyday i think i'm going to close my facebook account though. it is a pain and i don't have the self-discipline to not check it frequently.

it's a good thing to genuinely be able to be happy for the good fortune of others. some people are able to do it better than others. but, we are all working on it to some degree. good luck, just like everything else it is a choice you make multiple times a day :)

Adam said...

My work is done. There is nothing more I can teach you. Haha. Love you.

Adam said...

...And Amber you're still in lala land.

Amy said...

a few things:

1. love the title of this post. genius.
2. i look forward to hearing about your real, down 'n dirty life. some of my best (possibly funniest) posts came from where i was complaining about how much i hated my life at that moment (i.e. student teaching? yes.). people will appreciate how real you are. (did that make me sound conceited? i think you know what i'm trying to say. am i using parenthesis too much? i don't even care.)
3. i lovvvvvvve yooooou. don't let your baby forget about me whilst i'm off servin the lord and stuff.

Amy said...

also, i need to say that this picture of elijah makes me laugh every time. although i'm sure it was the opposite of funny when you took it. sorry i laugh at your baby when he cries.

Stacey said...

Megan. I am proud of you. I think this will be good for you and for those that read your blog. About a year ago, {about the time I stopped "blog-stalking"} when I was feeling the same you are feeling about not comparing yourself to those whose blogs you read, I wrote this in the front of my scriptures. I read it just the other day, and thought of you. "Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been. And understanding it can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated in any other way." -Sheri Dew. I hope in your vow to honest blogging you will come to understand how great you truly are... We all see it. But look out world when you start to see it because you will take it by storm! I love you.

Kelsey said...

Ah so refreshing. You are awesome.

leean robinson said...

Obviously, this topic has a hit a hot button. I just happened to make a comment in RS this last Sunday addressing this idea. I feel blogging can be beneficial but I am concerned about the negative impact on self-esteem that can be a result from reading what others have written by who are giving the best possible look and info of their lives. There is nothing wrong with that and it can be fun and uplifting. But we females, do have a problem with being vulnerable to comparing even when we try very hard not to. So, you are right, Megan on many levels. After RS, many of the young married women came up to me to express how they related to what I said. In my day the hazard was magazines. Looking at magazines and seeing all the great fashion styles, and lovely put together homes and beautiful people sometimes tempted us young marrieds to feel sorry for ourselves. We didn't look like the magazines' beautiful women, nor have their beautiful clothes or perfectly decorated homes. We still have magazines that do that but I think we accept the idea that so much of those magazine pages are engineered and we know about "air-brushing". But the current ability to blog by the average person puts a whole new spin on it. We still want to see the good stuff of your life, too, Megan. We love you and hope you know FOR SURE what an incredible woman you are!!!

holli h. said...

Every girl goes through this to some degree. EVERY GIRL. I started doing it the other day while looking at some cute girl's fashion blog. Envy. Dissatisfaction. Self-Deprecation! And when I start paying attention to those thoughts, I have to keep them in check and realize that I am just not being true to myself by thinking that way.

Also, I don't think you have any reason to apologize for anything you have posted on your blog. Just because you don't publish ALL of your negative feelings and trials-- I don't think it should diminish any of the happy experiences in your life. The positive feelings and blessings are just as real and valid as the negative. (and worth celebrating too!)

Now, most people just don't really feel comfortable publishing the troubles and hardships in their lives for everyone to read. But for others, it can be cathartic and even helpful to do so. My suggestion to you would be to not focus on only the positive or only the negative. Write about both! Just make sure that whatever you are writing about has a good purpose. Whether you are celebrating something great in your life and you want to share it with your friends and family, or you want to talk about overcoming a challenge (which might benefit your readers who can relate)-- those are both good purposes for blogging. I think even writing about the trials in life can be positive and uplifting if you approach them the right way.

Most of all, I think that through your honesty you will find and shape your "blogging voice" that will resonate with your audience more than ever.

LOVE YOU MEGAN!!!

Becky said...

I love that you call yourself "self" too :)

Meredith said...

um yes. blogging is fab but i seriously had to stop reading some of the most popular blogs ever because they made me want to jump out of a window. ok not really but they did make me feel like crap about myself. which is my problem, not theirs but still. oh blogging ....