always stay my baby

With the demands of a new baby and also babysitting a second baby, Elijah kind of gets the short end of the stick most days. By the end of the day my nerves {and patience} are totally shot and I'm craving to just get in my pajamas and binge on Netflix. 

Lately when putting Elijah to bed, he always asks if I can sleep with him for a little bit. 

Usually Anneli is crying to be fed or when Adam was gone late studying most nights I just wanted to go detox by emotions before I went to bed so I would tell him I couldn't right then and just tickle his back again. 

It kind of hit me in a "I'm a terrible mom" sort of way when I realized that my poor boy, after his own hard and stressful day of his mom caring for other babies, just needed some of love and attention from his mommy at the end of the day. 

So I've tried really hard to say YES each night when Elijah asks for more time. 

We cuddle, 

we tell stories, 

we sing lullabies, 

 I tickle his arm, face, and back... 

And we reconnect after a long day of demands & time-outs. 

Though I'd like to say it's made a huge difference in his behavior during the day, 

that all of a sudden he listens and obeys like a little angel after getting extra cuddles in. 

But it has made a huge difference in both of our attitudes and patience levels. 

He knows I love him even when he disobeyed. 

And I know he loves me even when he sticks his tongue out and refuses to put his shoes away. 

And when I'm busy feeding babies, I think he knows he's not forgotten,

that at the end of the day I'm still his mommy too and he's still my sweet baby Elijah,

forever & always. 

a story about pi{e}

I never feel like I'm a fun enough mom. 

I don't do crafts or bake cookies often or go on little adventures. 

I don't draw treasure maps or play pirates all day. 

I do those things sometimes. 

But it's not even once a week. 

I see posts of "fun moms" often or get caught up on Pinterest pictures and take it personally. 

I don't do those things so I guess I'm not a very good mom. 

I spiral into a sad, bitter, depressed state. 

The thought of coming up with fun ideas and special activities overwhelms me. 

So I get more depressed. 

Then I get over it, I move on, and I deal. 

Until the next holiday or cute social media post. 

Spiraling. 

Spiraling...

This year I decided I'm done with that. 

What good was it doing me?? 

None. 

And instead of using it as a motivator to be a better mom, it only made me feel bad which in turn made me take out my anxieties on Elijah. 

Or stick him in front of the TV or Wii for hours because I was just too overwhelmed. 

I mean, he was happy. 

But I wasn't. 

Spiral. 

So enough. 

This year I chose my word of the year very deliberately. 

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to change and how I was going to go about changing it. 

And the word that kept coming to mind was motivation.

If I wanted to do good, I needed to get myself motivated. 

And I needed to feed on that motivation to try harder each day to overcome my weakness and reach my goals. 

Motivation. 

I was the only one holding me back. 

I can change! 

I can be the mom I want to be! 

I just had to get off my rear and act on it. 

Push through. 

Do good. 

So I set out to make little things special, 

tried harder to get on the floor and play. 

Let Elijah wear his Power Ranger costume all day. 

Then I saw the Pi Day was coming up. 

I remember the previous year feeling bad that I didn't start some fun tradition with pie. 

And again feeling guilty that I was so lame {though I know Elijah doesn't even know what it means}.

So I was determined to make up for it this year. 

Why feel guilty and shut down? 

When I can motivate myself to do something and create happiness! 

It was a day late but I made pie: chicken pot pie and apple pie. 

I did it! 

I succeeded. 

A couple of days later it was St. Patrick's Day. 

I told myself again that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself. 

Instead of comparing, I was going to act! 

So I made a little treasure hunt for chocolate gold coins, dyed Elijah's lunch green, and made corned beef and cabbage for dinner. 

I may have still fallen short with crafts or stories, but I still did something fun. 

And I felt more proud of myself than I had felt in a long time. 

Not only did I make my son excited and happy, but I was happier because I took action. 

Motivation. 

Motivation to be better. 

President Monson said: 

In the search for our best selves, several questions will guide our thinking: Am I what I want to be? Am I closer to the Savior today than I was yesterday? Will I be closer yet tomorrow? Do I have the courage to change for the better? 

In our mortal journey, the advice of the Apostle Paul provides heavenly guidance: “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Then came the concluding charge: “Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.” 

They may not be big things, 

it may only be just baking a pie, 

or pretending we're pirates, 

but through these small steps I am working toward becoming a better mother. 

No guilt. 

No shame. 

No overwhelming, debilitating thoughts. 

Motivation. 

Action. 

Happiness. 

Love. 

blessed.

great-grandparents 

four generations 

On August 31st, Adam gave our baby girl a name and blessing in our church. 

We were so grateful to have our family with us and for their love & support of our newest little babe. 

(unfortunately we weren't able to get pictures of everyone in attendance)

My mom stayed up late/got up early to finish Anneli's gorgeous blessing dress! 

I told her what I envisioned, we looked at patterns and fabrics, and she brought my vision to life.  

Hearing my husband bless my babies is one of the sweetest, most loving moments of our marriage. 

Adam gave an absolutely beautiful blessing and I was so proud and inspired. 

He has a beautiful way with his words and I can feel the Spirit so strongly. 

With both Elijah & Anneli, I had a hard time getting used to their names and would second guess our decision all the time. 

But both times, when I would hear Adam's sweet blessing, I felt like I knew who my children were and I knew that we chose the perfect names for them. 

It's hard to explain I guess. 

But to me it testifies that the Spirit will be there guiding me all throughout motherhood. 

I'm so grateful for my little family!

I have never felt more happiness, more joy, more love, than being with my family all together. 

I'm so grateful for the blessing of eternal families and for the priesthood. 

There is no place I'd rather be than here with my babies :) 

Halloween 2014

[we don't really have pictures of our Halloween cause we're the lamest (see post below). but at our church trunk-or-treat they had a photo booth so we jumped on that bandwagon :)]

Our Halloween was pretty busy but low-key as well. 

Elijah was SO excited to be the Red Mega-Force Power Ranger & was practicing all his alien-fighting karate moves for a week ;) 

He wanted all of us to dress up but... we were just too lazy. 

So although we didn't get pictures of it all, Adam dressed up as a nerd, I was just a crazy Halloween mommy (I wore black and weird make-up), and Anneli wore her pumpkin pajamas. 

I know, all the awards. 

I kind of felt like the lamest mother ever because we didn't do anything that I had planned. 

Last year we had a "13 Days of Halloween" countdown and did lots of fun things every day. 

But this year I pulled it out too late and then was just too tired to even do anything. 

We barely even carved pumpkins... Adam did all of ours last minute.

Thankfully, Elijah is still young and doesn't quite have high expectations yet. 

Plus all the different Halloween parties and trick-or-treating entertained him enough. 

Despite my feeling guilty that I didn't do anything fun for my family, Elijah told me every day the week of Halloween,
"THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!" 

I'm so grateful for my little boy who finds simple pleasure in the little things. 

I'm so grateful he thinks we are awesome and has a fun life even if we didn't do anything Pinterest worthy. 

{I'm even more grateful he doesn't know what Pinterest is and to judge my mothering skills by}

And I'm so grateful that this sweet boy teaches me the most important life lessons every day. 

He drives me nuts, but man I love that boy!

Elijah-isms

Elijah is definitely still keeping us entertained as usual.
Here are some quality quotes from him as of late :)

He's definitely a child of the modern age.
Anywhere we are or whatever we do he will say, "Take my picture, Mom!"
His favorite subject to take a picture with is Anneli {of course}.
And recently we went to Target and he climbed up on of those balls out in front and he wouldn't get off until I took his picture.
I raised a monster.

I was introducing Elijah to the wonder of "Hook" the other night. He was confused why the kids were yelling while their dad was on the phone. Obviously we've had lots of talks about being quiet while mom is on the phone... No acting like children here!

After watching part of the Hulk one night, Elijah, while showing me pictures on the DVD case, said,
"Okay, Mom. That guy used that green thing to turn to the Hulk. Cause he eats his vegetables. And baby Hulks can't eat you but big Hulks can. But babies won't. So that's why you eat your fruits and vegetables so you can use that green thing to turn to the Hulk."

He makes up songs for Anneli to calm her down and while he's playing describing what he's doing.
I'm obsessed with his little high pitched voice and the way he holds out his notes.
I hope it never changes!

He LOVES talking to Anneli and trying to play with her. If she's awake, he's right by her side tickling her cheek trying to get her to smile. Even if she's not awake, he's right by her side. He also has taken it upon himself to be the only that can bounce her in the bouncer. He gets really mad when we take over. And Anneli loves him back just as much! It's so funny to see those two together.

Any time I mix something in the kitchen or get the blender out, Elijah thinks he needs to wear those noise canceling ear muffs. He will never give those up.

During lunch one day:
"Elijah, the pasta has to cook longer or else it will be too hard to eat."
"But remember? Miss Susan said, 'You can do hard things.' So I can eat it. Just try it."
"Well yeah, you can do hard things but you can't eat hard things."

One day Elijah told me that he needed to exercise and pulled out my yoga mat and dvd and started following the instructor on the TV. He is much better than I am.

Elijah spelling his name: "E-I-L-J-Q-H."
Close enough.

After asking Elijah questions about school he says, "I'm not talking anymore."
"Why not?"
"Cause that's enough talking."
Definitely a boy.

One day he said to me,
"Mom, you gonna have 10 babies and I'm gonna squish them all. Cause I'm a squisher."
And he would too.


That kid is constant entertainment! 

being the mom he deserves

The other night I heard Elijah crying long, sad sobs calling my name. I went into his room and he was sitting up in bed, half asleep, tears rolling down his face, crying out for me. 

When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy!" 

I think he was sleep talking [just like his dad], but it was heartbreaking all the same. 

This weekend was a rough one. 

Adam was gone Friday morning-Sunday morning at a dental conference and I went...crazy... 

There were a lot of texts to Adam telling him that I didn't what he was going to come home to, 

that there might not be three of us here when he gets back, 

and I was pretty sure I was going to have a stroke and die. 

Most of my struggles was trying to keep up with the energy of a 4-year-old on 3 hours of sleep a night and trying to have the patience to tell him, without yelling, to stop.sitting.on.the.baby!

So obviously tensions were high and a lot of my frustrations were let out on Elijah. 

But honestly, that's every day. 

My sweet baby boy, who I do love with all my heart, pushes my buttons to no end. 

Our personalties clash constantly and I feel like I don't even know how to talk to him without an edge in my voice sometimes. 

But then there are these indescribably sweet moments where he becomes my little boy again and melts my heart in a single phrase. 

And I realize that I spend so much time stressing over how to parent him and how to get him to listen that I forget to take a step back and remember to appreciate the amazing little kid he is growing up to be. A little kid who wants nothing more than to enjoy life and be loved. 

And I really don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember his mom constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

I absolutely don't deserve this sweet boy as my son and I constantly feel like there are probably plenty of other mothers out there who could be so much better for him without all my problems.

But when times get hard and I struggle with how to be the best mom to my firstborn, I have to remind myself that he's only a child once and he's a happy child at that. 

And there's always another day to try a little better. 

totally winning at motherhood #sarcasm

Elijah taking some headshots (cause I refuse to say selfies)

This week has been a rough one for the motherhood books. 

And it's only Wednesday... 

On Sunday Elijah was acting c r a z y 

We had even debated about really taking him to church cause he was already out of control. 

But we decided to anyways and he was... fine. 

After church though it was like all heck broke loose. 

He screeeeeaaaammeeed the whole way home in the car and then I put him in his room where he screamed and cried and banged on his door forever. 

When he finally calmed down enough to come out, he said his throat and head hurt. 

I told him it was just from screaming & crying for so long. 

He brought up that his throat hurt a few more times during the day but I just reminded him that that's why we don't scream our heads off when Mom tells you to be quiet. 

Then Adam said that he actually feels kind of warm...

So I checked his temperature and yep, 

high temp. 

Oops...

So we decided to be lazy... for two days in a row. 

And last night I was up all night between the two kids. 

The baby wouldn't go to sleep til 1am and Elijah was up throughout the night and finally ended up in our bed around 2am. And then was up by 6am. 

I'm exhausted. 

Today, Elijah seemed to be back to his normal {i.e. crazy} self so I figured he was good to go back to school. When I told him he was going to go to school today he told me he was too sick still. 

Knowing that Elijah likes to really milk being sick, 

[cause then he gets to watch movies and cuddle all day]

I figured he was just faking it. 

Plus, he kind of got in trouble on Friday so he wasn't too keen to go back after that. 

I made him go anyways. 

He told me on the way to school that his ear hurt when he closed his eyes (?) but I still dropped him off. Later his teacher texted me to let me know that he kept holding his ear and saying it hurt and wanted me to come get him. 

When I picked him up, Elijah said, 

"Mom, I told you I was too sick for school!" 

[laying on the mom guilt pretty thick don't you think, Elijah??]

To the doctor we went and it turns out Elijah has a double ear infection. 

I'm 0 for 2 now on this whole sickness thing... 

I give up being a mom for the rest of the week. 

At least my babies are good cuddlers when we're all feeling worn out. 

And they have super kissable cheeks that I can smush to help me feel better :) 

{I mean, that's the reason you have babies right??}

#motherhoodisrough

Marriage & Babies

While I try to get back into a routine after having Baby Anneli {and deal with mastitis... so fun...} I have some really amazing friends who will be helping out with the blog. Be sure to check out their blogs and show them a little love for doing this big favor for me. 
Today, Alexis from Alexis Laughs is sharing her very real and uplifting story of how life after baby isn't always a fairy tale. Having dealt with my own post-partum depression and hormone-induced relationship struggles after Elijah was born, I can relate to much of this post and really appreciate when people talk openly about their own experiences. I think that, having personally experienced this or not, this post is powerful for all people to read to help them understand what their friends and loved ones might be going through. 
-------------------------------------------------------

I had heard a lot of people talk about having their first baby really strengthened their relationship with their spouse. Since my husband and I had a pretty fantastic relationship to begin with, I was excited for this aspect of having our first child.

See, aren't we so cute!

Just about everything about the process of bringing our sweet girl into this world did not go as planned.

(this was after she was born and after they had stitched me up and all that jazz. I was in so much pain I could not even move my arms to hold her. It's not a pretty picture, but reality isn't always pretty people!)

 I had a very difficult pregnancy, a traumatic delivery, and postpartum recovery wasn't so hot either. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression at my six week check up with my doctor. In addition to all of that stress, I had a family emergency going on and Clint was in his last semester of school; he was trying to balance work, school, internship, senior design project (he's an engineer), church responsibilities, family responsibilities, etc. 

As a result, he wasn't around as much as we both would have liked.

I grew to resent him, maybe in part because in the midst of all those sleepless nights I could hear him snoring!

 With everything going on, I felt so alone.

Borderline: Having our first baby didn't strengthen our marriage. 

It made it a lot, a lot, a lot harder!

I don't tell you this to scare you, but to prepare what reality is for so many people! Not a lot of people talk about things like this because they're difficult, but that's why it's so important to talk about them. Don't you find so much comfort knowing you're not the only one who struggles with something? It's very typical to have some turmoil between spouses, especially in those first few months following the birth of a child. But it's normal. It happens. It's part of life. I have a friend who says that her and her husband are both prepared that the first three-ish months post-baby will probably not be harmonious between them. I think it's so smart to plan. When you're prepared for that, you approach the situation differently because you know it can be temporary. 

Hormones were a huge contributor to the difficulty in my marriage. Another big thing that's important to recognize is that the kind love for your child and love for your husband aren't the same. They don't come in the same way. It's a whole different package. The love you have for your child is instant and comes naturally. They are a piece of you. I remember just staring at my daughter and sobbing because I didn't know what to do with such strong feelings of love! You have instincts to love and protect your children. It's easy to shift our love to our child, or focus more on our child than on our marriage. 

However, I've learned in these last eighteen months of being a mother that loving my husband and being quick to forgive him is one of the best things I can do for my child. She deserves to be brought up in a kind, loving home with parents who show her a good example of the blessing of marriage. I want her to feel that her home is a sanctuary and not a place of tension. It's hard, but it's attainable.

Having our first baby didn't make our marriage into a fairy tale. It made it a whole lot more work; but you know what? We made it! And we are all better because of it. Our relationship is stronger, our love is deeper.

So, if you have your first baby and you think your marriage is going to hell in a hand basket, hang in there. With the appropriate amount of love, respect, and forgiveness, it can be all kinds of amazing.

Blink

While I get some rest after having Baby Anneli and try to gather my thoughts for the birth story, I have some really amazing friends who will be helping out with the blog. Be sure to check out their blogs and show them a little love for doing this big favor for me. 
Today, Jenna from Mom, the Intern is sharing her beautiful words & inspiration today. This post made me cry, a lot. It could be post-partum hormones. But also her words & message hit me so hard especially in this sleepy newborn phase. It is hard to appreciate these moments yet these are the moments that I know I will miss & crave the most once my babies are grown. 
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I hear Clara over the baby monitor, cooing and sucking her hand. She’s awake. I open my eyes and look over at the clock – 5:40 in the morning. She slept through the night, I think happily. My husband Dillon has already left the bed to get ready for work, the form of his head still pressed into his pillow.

I go into the nursery to retrieve her for her first feeding of the day. She is wiggling and delightedly looking at the ceiling fan while gnawing on her pudgy hand, apparently staving off the hunger of seven hours without milk. She lights up when she finally sees me. Breakfast has arrived. I pick her up, kiss her little forehead and snuggle her on my shoulder as we make the journey back to the bed.

I sit on the mattress, lift my shirt and offer my breast – Clara takes it without a second thought, so desperate to quench her thirst. I am desperate too, though, for relief. It has been a long night and I’m quite full. As she calms down to eat, I recline back onto the pillow, her sweet head resting in the crook of my arm. She closes her eyes and drinks deeply. Her little body fits perfectly against my soft abdomen and shapely hip, just like two puzzle pieces. I feel my eyes getting heavy too, willing me to return back to sleep. Her warmth is so comforting. I kiss her head again and breathe in its perfect scent. I catch her grinning slightly before I drift back to Dreamland.

***

About a half hour later, I wake again to the sound of my preschooler Carson shutting his bedroom door down the hall. I hear him dragging his blanket against the carpet as he approaches my room. I crack my eyes slightly to see his towhead bobbing along in the bedroom. He exerts great effort to haul his large, fluffy blanket and at least four stuffed “guys” around. He throws them all onto Dillon’s side of the bed and hoists himself up.

 “I want to cuddle with you, Mom,” he says, crawling toward Dillon’s pillow. He snuggles up next to Clara and me and sucks his thumb. Not long ago, he was the one I nursed in bed during the early hours of the morning. Like his little sister, his plump body once fit against mine so perfectly. He sucked and sucked until he was full, and then he fell right to sleep next to me, a fat Butterball breathing slowly and steadily. Now, he is long and lean, his soft cheeks the only evidence of his former babyhood. His cuddling is short-lived as he restlessly flops around in the bed, clearly ready to play. He used to be so still as he snuggled up with me. Now, he only wants to move.

***

Final wake-up call. My 6-year-old daughter Audrey is up now, standing by my head. The clock says 7:38. “We’re late for breakfast,” she says, ever the taskmaster. Her long blonde tresses are slightly mussed and wavy from going to bed with damp hair. She holds a stuffed pug in her arms against her hot pink nightgown. I briefly remember when she, too, was a baby sleeping in my arms. Looking at her bony, long limbs and the adult-like impatience etched into her face, it’s hard to believe it ever happened, but I have the pictures to prove it. I can see her now: her perfect bald head against my shoulder, her chubby cheeks completely relaxed, her fat arms dangling by my side. My fluffy motherly figure provided the cushion for her comfort. It was just yesterday, I swear.

I remember those early days of Audrey’s life when in an exhausted haze, I wondered how women went on to have more babies after the first. How could they find the energy and time when one baby sucked it all out of them? How did they not die from being deprived of so much sleep? Those thoughts were shortsighted of me. Of course, no child stays a baby forever. And sometimes, that fact is sad to us. But it’s also the entire point of parenthood: create a child and help it grow. They do get bigger. They eventually start talking and walking on their own. They start eating the same foods you do and can even help prepare them. They go to school, buckle their own seatbelts, get their own drink of water, take their own showers and draw pictures of things they came up with all on their own.

And mothers … we change, too. We become more patient. We relax a little. We don’t let a little spit-up or a tantrum bother us anymore. We figure out how to live on less – less money, less sleep, less attention to yourself. We start to see the forest for the trees and know the sleepless newborn phase will not last forever (even though it still feels eternal, even on the third kid). But that first time … nothing can adequately prepare you for what it’s like for a tiny human to be solely dependent on you and no one else. It’s emotional, it’s exhausting, it’s challenging, it’s humbling. Oh so humbling. But let’s not forget – it’s rewarding, too, as difficult experiences tend to be.

So if you’re about to embark on the journey of motherhood, beware: it moves fast. Faster than you want it to sometimes. Take pictures. Keep a journal. Change your baby’s outfit frequently because believe it or not, she may outgrow some of them before she ever wears them. (True story.)

And don’t be in such a hurry to return to the Land of the Living after your baby comes. Sleep, relax, snuggle, enjoy. Watch and wonder about how your baby’s appearance can literally change from one morning to the next. When she falls asleep in your arms, lay back and sleep along with her. Cherish the sweet moments and savor them. They are like elusive hummingbirds -- hovering, fleeting, then gone.

Basically, whatever you do, just don’t blink.

5 Tips for Transitioning to Motherhood

While I get some rest after having Baby Anneli and try to gather my thoughts for the birth story, I have some really amazing friends who will be helping out with the blog. Be sure to check out their blogs and show them a little love for doing this big favor for me. 
Today, Abbey from Along Abbey Road is filling in for me with some great tips on surviving motherhood. Love her tips and they are great for even 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time or more moms!  {it's all too easy to forget the little things}
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The moment I became a mother is and will be the greatest accomplishment I've ever made. It was insanely scary, yet made me feel incredibly whole. 

I remember staring down at Luke and thinking, "I can't believe this perfect, tiny human is mine!" 

Not even two years later, I stared down for the second time at Wes and again thought, "I can't believe this perfect, tiny human is mine!"

Motherhood is also by far the hardest thing I have ever done and probably will do. It's an eternal role and refines even the most patient and well-organized women (of which I am neither). That being said, I have learned some important life lessons in the two short years I earned my mom badge. Here are some of my tips in making the transition to becoming a mama:

1. Get on a routine. Babies love routines, and it makes life much more predictable and happy for everyone, especially when things feel overwhelming and like a whirlwind is ensuing (which is, like, always). Try to feed on a regular schedule, do baths at a specific time every day, and try to get naps down to a schedule, too. You will probably even find that your little one works into a schedule all on their own. With that being said, realize that the schedule is not really going to happen until they are 6 weeks or older. Their days and nights will be backward, and there is no use in fighting it, so in the meantime just do what feels right. Before you know it, they will be eating and sleeping like clockwork (hopefully!). 

2. Don't try to hide your emotions. Postpartum hormones are real and will make you feel all sorts of things you may have never experienced. One moment you are all sunshine and rainbows, and the next a raincloud is following you wherever you slump around. Your body will feel weird. Learning to feed a baby might be challenging. You will be exhausted. You may even deal with some postpartum depression. Find comfort in that fact that you are not alone. Talk to your spouse, partner, family, or doctor about it so you can get the help you need. 

3. Let others help you. Right after having a baby is not the time to play Supermom. Trust me on this one. Let your family and friends pamper you and don't feel guilty! Those dishes in the sink and piles of laundry staring you in the face will still be there in a few weeks, but guess what won't be? Those teeny fingers, wrinkles, yawns, goofy faces and coos that are exclusive to newborns. They can only curl up and sleep on your chest for so long, so let those snuggles and precious time take priority. (Last time I checked, a vacuum isn't very cuddly.)

4. Write down the details. I should be taking my own advice on this one. Those first time moments you tell yourself you will never forget? You will. It's called mom brain, which you probably think is a thing of legend. It is real, my friend! You will not remember every little first, so get a cute journal and write down those darling details! You and your children will appreciate it.

5. Take time for yourself. Whether it's just going for a walk or going out for a fabulous spa treatment, you will feel so much better. There is a reason they say, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Mothers somehow set the tone for the household and its inhabitants, and alone time is the essential elixir to maintain that happy, well-balanced mama. And again, don't feel guilty about it!

Be sure to stop by my blog for more thoughts on motherhood and life! You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter! 

Megan, congratulations to you and your now family of four! You're such a wonderful mother, woman, and friend, and I wish you all of the happiness and joy life has to offer at this precious moment in your life. XO!

concerns of a future mother-of-two

I can't believe this little boy is going to be a big brother in 4 short weeks. 

A big brother!!

4 weeks!!

When I look at Elijah and think about the huge change he's about to endure, without even knowing it, it makes me feel all sorts of emotions: 

excited 

guilty

sad 

overwhelmed 

anxious

pride 

overpowering love & admiration 

In Primary on Sunday, he introduced himself to his new class and kept talking about "baby sister." 

And then he drew this family picture of "Mommy with baby sister in her belly, Daddy, and me." 

Seeing as he cried & yelled & gnashed his teeth when we told him he was going to have a sister to now telling everyone about her and drawing pictures of her in-utero, this picture has become pretty precious to me already. And has helped ease my anxiety a bit. 

Just a bit though. 

Too many worries, not enough time. 

{4 weeks!}

Elijah has always been a sweet, loving, and super caring & compassionate little boy. 

I remember the first time he saw a baby doll at Gigi's house and he automatically held it close and carried it around gently. 

Whenever he sees little babies he gets so excited and talks about how little they are. 

He wants to care for them and makes sure they are okay. 

I remember once babysitting a newborn when Elijah was just 18-ish months and when the baby cried, Elijah would race to get her pacifier or try to get her a bottle. 

He naturally wants to protect, help, and care for all babies. 

Knowing this gets me more excited to see Eli be a big brother. 

I know he's going to be so gentle and so caring. 

I know he's going to try to help [or "help"] any chance he gets. 

I know he's going to be so excited to have a little baby to dote on every single day. 

I know he will be an increibly loving older brother. 

Or at least I hope all this is sure. 

But makes me nervous is how he is going to adjust emotionally to a new little person in his territory. 

He has been very clingy to me lately, demanding only I put him to sleep and cries anytime Adam tries to go in his room. How is he going to feel with a foreign little baby is taking away his mommy?

Are they still going to be friends even though they are far apart in age? 

Are they still going to be friends even though they are different genders?
[Why didn't I try harder to get them closer together?]

How is he going to feel when we are more gentle with the baby? 

How is he going to react when we have to spend more time helping the baby because we know he can do things on his own? 

Is he going to resent us or the baby because we may instinctively treat a little girl different than a little boy? 

Are we going to be able to divide enough attention between both kids? 

Enough time?

Enough love?

Will I even love the second one as much as I love my firstborn??  

Will I start to love Elijah less?

Am I going to be able to handle two kids? 

Will I be good enough? 

There's so many worries & concerns & anxiety that I think about daily. 

I want to soak up every last second I have alone with Elijah before his world is rocked forever. 

And it makes me want to hold him & keep him small. 

And apologize for possibly messing up his life for years to come... 

I love my sweet boy. 

All I want in life is to do right by him.