in my dreams

Sometimes {oftentimes} I get really discouraged about things... 

I get frustrated that all I do is stay home, 

that I'm not using my degree in a career that I've always wanted, 

that we are still students and will forever be students, 

that I don't have XYZ like so-and-so does, 

that I've washed the same dishes 183462 times and folded laundry 7289 more times, 

that my life is just... plain.

disappointing? 

not what I expected. 

Then I have these moments of perfect clarity, 

where all of a sudden I'm my past self peeking in the window of the present, 

and I think 

this is all I've ever wanted. 

Growing up I imagined my handsome & loving husband coming home, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace and giving me a kiss on the cheek as I finish preparing dinner. 

I thought of my sweet little children, playing and laughing all day as I got to stay home and make up stories with them. 

I pictured going on family walks, holding the baby while my husband chased my older kids on their bikes. 

I dreamt of a loving home, full of happiness & joy & chubby babies, and all of us coming together at then end of the day reading stories and giving piggy back rides to bed. 

Throughout the years many of my goals & aspirations in life have changed. 

My career goals have ranged from teacher to doctor to therapist to hair stylist and everywhere in between. 

My dream home is continually evolving. 

My likes, wants, desires are shifting daily. 

But the one thing that has never, ever changed has been my dreams for my family. 

And although there have been many unexpected things along the way, 

many hard times and sorrows, 

I look at my cute, sweet, perfect little family of four and think, 

"This is what I've always dreamed of

and all that will ever matter." 

being the mom he deserves

The other night I heard Elijah crying long, sad sobs calling my name. I went into his room and he was sitting up in bed, half asleep, tears rolling down his face, crying out for me. 

When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy!" 

I think he was sleep talking [just like his dad], but it was heartbreaking all the same. 

This weekend was a rough one. 

Adam was gone Friday morning-Sunday morning at a dental conference and I went...crazy... 

There were a lot of texts to Adam telling him that I didn't what he was going to come home to, 

that there might not be three of us here when he gets back, 

and I was pretty sure I was going to have a stroke and die. 

Most of my struggles was trying to keep up with the energy of a 4-year-old on 3 hours of sleep a night and trying to have the patience to tell him, without yelling, to stop.sitting.on.the.baby!

So obviously tensions were high and a lot of my frustrations were let out on Elijah. 

But honestly, that's every day. 

My sweet baby boy, who I do love with all my heart, pushes my buttons to no end. 

Our personalties clash constantly and I feel like I don't even know how to talk to him without an edge in my voice sometimes. 

But then there are these indescribably sweet moments where he becomes my little boy again and melts my heart in a single phrase. 

And I realize that I spend so much time stressing over how to parent him and how to get him to listen that I forget to take a step back and remember to appreciate the amazing little kid he is growing up to be. A little kid who wants nothing more than to enjoy life and be loved. 

And I really don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember his mom constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

I absolutely don't deserve this sweet boy as my son and I constantly feel like there are probably plenty of other mothers out there who could be so much better for him without all my problems.

But when times get hard and I struggle with how to be the best mom to my firstborn, I have to remind myself that he's only a child once and he's a happy child at that. 

And there's always another day to try a little better. 

the difference a bump makes

the skirt is so stretchy & fabulous. and I'm so glad I have this flowy oversized shirt. perfect for both stages :)

The whole pregnancy and post-pregnancy body stuff is crazy.

You spend 9 months seeing your body grow & change exponentially and try to come to terms with the fact that there's a good reason why you will probably never fit in jeans again. 

And then you get to a point where you accept that your body is doing something pretty crazy even if you gain a billion pounds and then you have your baby... 

and all those insecurities about how you don't even recognize your body anymore come flooding back.

I go back and forth between being in awe of my body and what it accomplished 

and how much I hate that all my clothes don't quite fit me right anymore and my pooch is setting up permanent camp on my abdomen [with some help of some Oreos].

The frustrations that I had after I had Elijah have made themselves known again. 

But I'm trying hard to not go to that dark, unhealthy place again. 

And embrace the pooch. 

I never thought I'd miss my bump and the reason why it was okay to eat junk without judgement. 

Or not have to be self-conscious about hiding bellies & curves.

Bodies are crazy. 

They are miraculous and beautiful and frustrating and take up too much time in my thoughts.

They are capable of the impossible and never get enough credit. 

So I'm trying to be more grateful for mine. 

20+ extra post-partum pounds and all. 

And also maybe start running... 

lately...

Life lately has been... tiring.
Hence the lack of posts.

Anneli is a wonderful baby and we are soooo in love with her!
We can't stop kissing her hundreds of times of day.
Especially Elijah who we can't keep him out of her face...
Which is actually rather annoying.

And speaking of Elijah, he's just as busy and funny and defiant as always.
Which is also annoying & tiring.
I feel like I am yelling at him all day while having a baby hooked to by boob constantly.
Cause this girl thinks she needs to nurse whenever she is awake,
or sad,
or tired,
or poopy,
or happy.

And then we have the night time.
Baby sleeps pretty great!
But.... she finally falls asleep for the night after her grumpy time at 11.
Elijah then wakes up after 12.
Then he wakes up again between 3 & 4.
Once I finally get him back to sleep, the baby wakes up around 4 for a feeding.
Then once she finally done close to 5, Elijah wakes up for the day between 6 & 7.
And that is my sleep schedule.

And then there's Adam's schedule which consists of him being gone all day and studying for the rest of the night when he gets home.
Not to mention the fact that he's like dead to the world when he's asleep.
Can I sleep like a husband in my next life??

So we are happy & in love
and so incredibly tired!

But those chubby cheeks and gummy {gassy} smiles are worth it 10000%

two-six

Crazy that this little budding fashion star {kidding} is already 

twenty-six!!  

As I've gotten older birthdays have become more of a reflection than a celebration for me. 

It's cool & weird & eye-opening

[& honestly sometimes disappointing]

to look back and see where I'm at and what I have accomplished. 

Sometimes I think I haven't done enough or fulfilled any of my big dreams that my little girl heart was set on. Sometimes I feel like I've hardly done anything at all with my life and just wasted time. 

In fact, I found a timeline the other day that I made in elementary school that said I was going to be famous by the time I was 20 or something... 

hah! yeah, that didn't happen. 

But then I remember that I have been able to reach some of the more important goals & dreams. 

I found another little memory page where it asked 

"What do you want to accomplish in 20 years?" 

My answers: 

- get a degree 

- write for a newspaper 

- get married in the temple 

And you know what? 

I did those things! 

I may not be a movie star, 

or famous singer, 

or a professional spokesperson. 

No one really even knows my name except the people in my small circle. 

Only Elijah requests songs from me. 

And he hates my lectures. 

But I have my family, my beliefs, and my education. 

I am happy & healthy. 

I have people around me who love me and who I can turn to. 

And that's all that's the best birthday present around!

Here's to being one year older!! 

Can't wait to see what 26 has in store :) 

concerns of a future mother-of-two

I can't believe this little boy is going to be a big brother in 4 short weeks. 

A big brother!!

4 weeks!!

When I look at Elijah and think about the huge change he's about to endure, without even knowing it, it makes me feel all sorts of emotions: 

excited 

guilty

sad 

overwhelmed 

anxious

pride 

overpowering love & admiration 

In Primary on Sunday, he introduced himself to his new class and kept talking about "baby sister." 

And then he drew this family picture of "Mommy with baby sister in her belly, Daddy, and me." 

Seeing as he cried & yelled & gnashed his teeth when we told him he was going to have a sister to now telling everyone about her and drawing pictures of her in-utero, this picture has become pretty precious to me already. And has helped ease my anxiety a bit. 

Just a bit though. 

Too many worries, not enough time. 

{4 weeks!}

Elijah has always been a sweet, loving, and super caring & compassionate little boy. 

I remember the first time he saw a baby doll at Gigi's house and he automatically held it close and carried it around gently. 

Whenever he sees little babies he gets so excited and talks about how little they are. 

He wants to care for them and makes sure they are okay. 

I remember once babysitting a newborn when Elijah was just 18-ish months and when the baby cried, Elijah would race to get her pacifier or try to get her a bottle. 

He naturally wants to protect, help, and care for all babies. 

Knowing this gets me more excited to see Eli be a big brother. 

I know he's going to be so gentle and so caring. 

I know he's going to try to help [or "help"] any chance he gets. 

I know he's going to be so excited to have a little baby to dote on every single day. 

I know he will be an increibly loving older brother. 

Or at least I hope all this is sure. 

But makes me nervous is how he is going to adjust emotionally to a new little person in his territory. 

He has been very clingy to me lately, demanding only I put him to sleep and cries anytime Adam tries to go in his room. How is he going to feel with a foreign little baby is taking away his mommy?

Are they still going to be friends even though they are far apart in age? 

Are they still going to be friends even though they are different genders?
[Why didn't I try harder to get them closer together?]

How is he going to feel when we are more gentle with the baby? 

How is he going to react when we have to spend more time helping the baby because we know he can do things on his own? 

Is he going to resent us or the baby because we may instinctively treat a little girl different than a little boy? 

Are we going to be able to divide enough attention between both kids? 

Enough time?

Enough love?

Will I even love the second one as much as I love my firstborn??  

Will I start to love Elijah less?

Am I going to be able to handle two kids? 

Will I be good enough? 

There's so many worries & concerns & anxiety that I think about daily. 

I want to soak up every last second I have alone with Elijah before his world is rocked forever. 

And it makes me want to hold him & keep him small. 

And apologize for possibly messing up his life for years to come... 

I love my sweet boy. 

All I want in life is to do right by him. 

the truth about pregnancy

Before I was pregnant with Elijah, pregnancy seemed like such a magical time. 

I never really heard many negative [truthful] things about pregnancy and just thought baby bumps were cute and your skin & hair was supposed to become super beautiful or something. 

HAAAAAAAA!! 

And then with this pregnancy, I had high hopes that things would be different. 

Maybe I was just a weakling, no endurance, did something wrong... 

This time it would be all the wonderful stuff I heard about. 

HAAAAAAAA!!

This clip pretty much sums up my feelings perfectly. 

Everything in this clip is sooooooo true! 

Although I am so so so incredibly grateful to be pregnant and have 2 kids, it is not all sunshine and roses and beautiful baby bump pictures every day. 

And if I'm being completely honest, though the kids are great, the process can really suck at times. 

So here's my {pregnancy rant} list of truths to help prepare other mothers with incredibly high-expectations like I did. And to hopefully show some support to other mothers who may be feeling the same thing. 

Cause I can't be the only one right? 

WARNING: TMI's ahead ;)

Pregnancy Truths 

::: Morning sickness does not just last the first trimester nor in the mornings. 

If you're lucky, you can be sick the whole pregnancy. 

You get a good ab workout. 

::: And it can come out both ends. 

The whole pregnancy. 

Your body will feel like it's exploding.

::: Not every woman gets cravings. 

And cravings don't always mean you should actually eat it.

(contrary to what my doctor said the first round...) 

AND food aversions can change and last through the whole pregnancy. 

To the point that you feel like you can literally eat nothing even though you feel like you want to eat everything cause you're so hungry. 

::: Hemorroids are real. 

And you can't sit down without crying.

::: Acid reflux you can feel in your knees up to you ears.
Yes, your ears burn.
And NOTHING helps!
Pepcid AC is just like candy to me at this point. 

::: It gets to the point where your stomach is so big your ski hurts. 

Not hurts like itching from the stretching, but hurts like it's being spread so thin it's sensitive. 

::: Baby kicks are so fun the first 20-30 weeks. 

After that, every kick & punch feels like it's causing internal damage. 

I'm pretty sure I have some organ bleeding somewhere. 

::: Your bones & muscles feel like they are literally breaking especially toward the end. 

Cause they kind of are, getting softer & ready to push a baby out. 

::: You have to pee all.the.freaking.time. 

Even if you just went, be prepared to have to empty your bladder again in 5-10 minutes. 

::: And if you wait to go to the bathroom, it starts to hurt. 

The baby is on your bladder, your bladder is full, and it is putting so much pressure on you that it just becomes painful. 

::: Braxton-hicks contractions can start early.

And toward the end they start to happen so frequently, so intensely, that it's just so uncomfortable. 

::: Your stomach warps into weird shapes a lot. 

Either from the baby kicking or from the contractions tightening your stomach, you'll see lots of weird stomach positions.

::: Before you even have to push the baby out, your lady parts feel like they are falling apart.
Especially when the baby is low and kicks you right in the cervix...
Fun times. 

::: Emotions are hiiiighhh!! 

My family kind of hates me now. 

I'm either angry, depressed, happy, excited, overwhelmed, or crying. 

::: Exhaustion. Exhaustion. Exhaustion. 

And towards the end I'm even more exhausted. 

That whole "nesting" energy peak? 

That does not kick in for everyone. 

::: Pregnancy glow is a joke. 

JOKE. 

Though I've never had clear skin, my skin gets much worse when pregnant. 

I feel like a hormonal teenager with grease dripping from my skin.

::: You know what else is a joke?? Thick, luscious hair.
My hair doesn't grow when I'm pregnant.
It's nice for shaving cause I don't have to every day anymore.
But that full head of beautiful locks that I have always coveted? Never happens.

::: Really you just feel gross constantly.
Your body is doing weird things getting ready for the baby to come.
[Weird things down there.]
You're way bigger than you ever thought possible, and only growing exponentially.
You just aren't yourself.
All the things you used to criticize you now miss more than ever.

::: Back pain. 

Back pain!! 

::: Anything you wear makes it feel like you can't breathe. 

All I want to do is take all my clothes off the minute I am home. 

Shirts become constricting, bras are torture, pants are useless. 

Collars or anything around my neck is complete and utter torture. 

::: Those weight gain charts become your worst enemy. 

And you hate anyone who says anything about how big you are. 

I have a long list of names of people I want to punch. 

Sometimes that includes Adam and his "little jokes." 

::: Bloody noses can happen often. 

It's gross and freaky. 

I've never had a bloody nose in my life before being pregnant with this little girl.

::: And the biggest truth of all: Sometimes the connection to your baby doesn't always happen during pregnancy. And feelings of nervousness and anxiety are common and normal.

[I'm sure there's more but I can't think of it all right now.... oh another pregnancy truth: forgetfullness!]

-------------------

BUT!

With all that suckiness that comes with pregnancy, there is so much good and blessed.
Especially at the end when you get a perfect, precious, sweet little baby to hold.

It's amazing what your body can endure to bring a perfect little baby into the world.
Though newborns come with their own struggles, just being in the presence of one you can feel so much peace and closer to heaven.

I may not like being pregnant all the time,
but I love that sweet little prize at the end.

That's what makes it all worth it!


Do you have any of these symptoms or others??
I'd love to hear about your experience!
{Unless it's perfect and you had the most amazing, magical time being pregnant ever then you can maybe just pass... My emotions can't take that. ;)}
[kidding]

floral, stripes & bumps

top: c/o Persunmall // skirt: Kohl's // shoes: Target // necklace: Claire's

BUMP AHEAD!! 

I love this skirt and how comfortable it is. And stretchy! 

I got it while I was in California and have worn it at least twice a week since. 

It's perfect to wear through pregnancy and after. 

Though Adam does laugh at how it accentuates my new pregnant budonkadonk. 

Cause when the doctor says I need to watch my weight gain, it's cause it allllll goes to my backside. 

{emoticon for sticking tongue out.} 

#sweatpantsaretheonlythingthatfitmerightnow

So grateful for oversized, flowy tops & stretchy bottoms! 

They have been a lifesaver this pregnancy. 

And have helped me avoid most of the unflattering maternity clothes that make me feel like I'm wearing circus tents. :)

WhatToExpect.com

It's been kind of slow around here because we are being lazy during our Christmas vacation, but I wanted to pop in and share some exciting news today.

I am so incredibly honored {and extremely nervous!} to be a guest contributor on the What To Expect website this week! I am still pinching myself to see if this is all a big dream. To be featured on a big, notable website like WhatToExpect.com seems too good to be true. In fact, when they emailed me to ask me to write an article, I had to have Adam read over it a couple of times because I didn't believe it. 

My article "How I Learned Motherhood Isn't Something to Check Off a To-Do List" can be found here. And you better believe I'm crying right now cause I'm still in shock... 

A little snippet: 

  "I always wanted to experience motherhood. Growing up I always had the idea of motherhood in the back of my mind when planning out my life, as anxious young girls do. But I also planned on obtaining a college degree, working in a fast-paced career, and changing the world. Whenever I played house, I was always the businesswoman who brought a baby to the office. Being a mom was just one of the things on my "Do Before I Die" list."

You can read the rest here.

I hope you like it! 

:)

Elijah goes to school

it's official. 

i have a kid old enough for school!

it doesn't feel real. 

didn't i just give birth to that little cheeseball?? 

now he's a big, cool preschooler! 

i was really nervous about having Elijah start preschool this year and kept wondering if i was making the right decision (since he's only 3 and doesn't really need to go). 

but right before we left for Utah & California i was feeling like Eli needed something more structured and productive during the week to keep him busy and progressing. i knew that i was feeling in a rut and having a hard time trying to keep up with a energetic and curious toddler. 

there was only so much i could plan for him to keep him entertained. 

plus anytime we tried to do our own "school" we just butted heads and got no where. 

[we are too similar and Elijah really knows how to push my buttons ;)]

so literally the day before we left i made the executive decision to just sign him up. 

although i was nervous, i was feeling really confident about him going to play with other kids and learn from another authority figure that he looked up to. 

Elijah is always better for other people so i figured this would be a win-win. 

although logically i had it all figured out, i was not at all prepared emotionally for his first day of school. i kept telling myself that this would be a great thing and i would sooooo enjoy some alone time 

[cause of the button pushing]. 

but on the way to drop him off, i couldn't help getting a little weepy. 

i kept thinking of him as a little baby who just learned how to roll over,

and to crawl, 

and to walk, 

and to talk... 

all these milestones that feel like they all just happened yesterday not in just three years. 

three short years.

how did we get here so fast?? 

once we got to his teacher's house, Elijah kept saying he wanted me to come inside and sit with him. 

"please come with me Mom??  Mom, you'll come too?"

it just broke my heart. 

i tried to stay for a little bit to get him settled but any time i got up he would cling to me for dear life. 

then of course i started crying because he was crying. 

finally i just had to let the teacher pull him away from me and hold him while i left. 

i called my sister and just cried to her and continued crying for about a half hour. 

the teacher called me a little while later to reassure me that Eli was doing great and stopped crying by the time i got to the car. and i started crying again. 

the next week Eli went to school with only a quick goodbye hug. 

so i started crying again. 

{seriously what is wrong with me???}

never thought i'd be one of those moms. but i totally am!

he really isn't a baby anymore. 

he's becoming more and more independent each day. 

it makes me burst with pride and long for time to stop all at once. 

i love seeing him grow and learn each day. 

for me, there is nothing more amazing in motherhood than seeing my baby discover the world around him and learn new things. 

but that just means that the time will come all too soon when he really doesn't need me anymore and doesn't think i'm the funnest, most hilarious person ever. 

all i can do is make the most of the time i still have with him. 

so if he really does have to grow up, i'm going to try to make as many memories as i can along the way.

but he will still always be my little baby Eli!

guilt v. shame

i just like this view + cute little Eli :)

one year older and hopefully one year wiser. 

wiser where it matters--how i treat myself & view my worth. 

starting with my guilt. 

my debilitating guilt.
or what i always used to call guilt.

but actually it's not guilt.
we use the word "guilt" a lot when describing our feelings but fail to recognize what it really means.

guilt = the belief that i did something bad.
but shame on the other hand = the belief that i am bad.

we use guilt & shame interchangeably but they are in fact two distinctly different emotions.
they reflect how we view ourselves and how we deal with disappointment, failure, and heartache.

guilt focuses on our behavior & actions. the feeling of guilt leads us to more prosocial behavior, it helps us find ways to fix the problem and change the situation.
shame focuses on our feelings and turns us inward. we want to hide, we feel unworthy and hopeless of ever being better than we are currently. we feel stuck. shame is destructive.

after a conversation with my counselor i opened up about all the things i feel bad about.
past mistakes, present actions, future wrongs i'm sure to commit...
and ultimately, why i don't think i deserve certain things.
she calmly confronted me and said what i was really feeling was shame,
because shame is what turned me into a self-loathing person.

anytime i start to beat myself up
{the most common thought: i'm a terrible mom because... lots of reasons}
i try to remember the difference between guilt vs. shame and adjust my actions or feelings accordingly.

a) i can either let the feelings consume me and give in to the fact that yes, i am a terrible mother.
or
b) i can use those feelings to work hard to overcome my weaknesses, to fix my mistakes that i feel bad about, and to push me to be a better person.
to reach my full potential.
to realize i am worth it all. 

guilt = [can be] healthy/natural part of life
shame = unhealthy

guilt = i can accept in my life to make worthwhile changes
shame = has no place here



p.s. for a maybe more upbeat post ;), i'm being featured over at Style Elixir as this week's Head Stylist. so so exciting!!! check it out here. 

cheers to 25!

[Adam bought me a Snickers ice cream cake! looks weird, tastes delicious!!]

i usually love birthdays! 

i make my family celebrate all month long, i play the whole "but it's my birthday!" card to get out of everything and anything on my actual birth day, i want big parties & cake & presents & sugar.... 

the.works. 

but this year i've been feeling really bummed and weird about it... 

the closer it got to my birthday, the more i started feeling down and in a rut. 

to me, 25 was this big, huge, culminating, milestone age where i felt like in a way it was my deadline to do all things awesome. 

and after that it's just all downhill. 

{obviously that's not the case, i realize this. but this is how i felt my whole life. 25 is IT!} 

but as the days ticked by until i actually made that big leap in age brackets, i felt like i really haven't done anything of worth to truly celebrate the last 25 years of my life. 

basically i've just been feeling really bad for myself. 

[but i mean, what's new right??] 

Adam has been great trying to boost me up and make me feel important, which i greatly appreciate. 

and i know that i have many blessings & things i should feel more grateful for than i am right now. 

so for my big 25th birthday, i thought that it would be good {for me} to write 25 things i'm grateful for to remind myself that life really isn't as bad as i make it seem sometimes. 

so here are my

Twenty-Five Thank-titudes 

for my 25th birthday!

{in no particular order}

1. i am grateful for my amazing husband who loves me & supports me through good times and bad. 

2. i am grateful for a feisty & loving 3-year-old who keeps me on my toes and continually helps me to strive to be better. 

3. i am grateful for our extended families who are there when we need them & love us dearly. 

4. i am grateful for our little apartment [and everything in it] where we can live safely & comfortably, especially in this blasted heat!

5. i am grateful for our educations, that Adam is able to attend a great program to further his career, and that i was able to finish my degree in a emphasis that i love. 

6. i am grateful for our dear friends who are always there for us, even just to vent and eat ice cream. :)

7. i am grateful for our health and bodies and that we haven't had anything terribly serious affect our family. [yet?]

8. i am grateful for the Gospel and the peace & comfort it brings to my life. and i'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the love He gives me and His sacrifice. 

9. i am grateful for our car, even if it's totally a piece sometimes, that it is able to transport us safely and comfortably and hasn't broken down on us completely yet. :)

10. i am grateful for my calling and the opportunity to work with the Young Women in my church

11. i am grateful for technology so i can stay in contact with so many friends and meet amazing new ones. plus i able to do something that i absolutely love, write. 

12. i am grateful for clothes and shoes & able to have fun with it all. it's something i know i take for granted daily, the fact that i'm able to have clothes to choose from. 

13. i am grateful for modern amenities like laundry machines and dishwashers. after living in an apartment without them, it has been a life-changer. and something again i know take for granted too often. 

14. i am grateful for books and reading, one of my all time favorite things to do. 

15. i am grateful for the gift of music and how much it blesses my home. 

16. i am grateful for the temple and the incredible peace and enlightenment i gain when i go there. 

17. i am grateful for the experiences i have had in my life and all the great memories i have made.

18. i am grateful for ice cream, Oreos, and other sugary treats. cause we all know i'm plain addicted to that junk. 

19. i am grateful for the beauty of the earth: fresh flowers, majestic mountains, and rainbow skies. the world we live in is absolutely breathtaking. 

20. i am grateful for the power of sleep!! enough said. 

21. i am grateful for the finances we are able to manage, though meager at times, and the jobs we have had in the past and currently that helps us with all of our basic necessities and take care of our family. 

22. i am grateful for photos to capture all the precious moments i wish to keep forever. 

23. i am grateful for this country we live in and the freedoms we enjoy here. 

24. i am grateful for my life. though hard at times, i am just blessed to be living and enjoying so many great experience with those i love the most. 

25. i am grateful for having an abundance of love in my life.

all you need is love. 

maybe there are things i wish i did differently or things i wish had accomplished by now, 

but that's how it will always be right?

we'll always wish for something better or something more. 

but there is so much more that we i am missing out on when we i choose to only focus on the 

i-wish-i-hads. 

the bigger picture: the happiness that is right here around us now. 

"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now."

-Denis Waitley

so here's to another 25 years!! 
full of love, happiness, and even more gratitude for this wonderful life. 

painful insecurities [and overcoming them]

*warning: some very unflattering photos of me straight ahead. i would never show the world these pictures if i didn't fully believe in this product with all my heart. 

skirt: c/o Modest Pop [similar] // top: Target, clearance // belt: thrifted // sandals: BYU Bookstore // bra: c/o Braologie // necklace: Cookie Lee

i have always, always struggled with my body image. 

i can specifically remember when i first started noticing all the flaws in my body, the first time i started nit picking everything about myself and what was wrong with me. 

it was in the 4th grade. and i was insanely embarrassed about my legs. 

i hated wearing shorts above my knees because that meant you could see my thighs, 

and that thought sent me into waves of turmoil.

as i got older, the self-conscious thoughts just continued to escalate. 

i was a bony girl, which meant i didn't have those sexy curves that all my friends started getting as they entered their teenage years. 

i hated it. i felt so ugly, so undesirable. 

eventually i finally grew some sort of chest that helped me {barely} graduate from training bras. but i still felt so.... unwomanly. 

i would layer bras and undershirts just to give me more padding. 

and it would work for the most part. i mean, it did its job at hiding my insecurities under the layers of cotton. 

but that doesn't mean those insecurities ever left. 

fast forward a few college years and the birth of a baby and my self consciousness about my body rivaled the sad, pathetic feelings from my teenage years. 

here i was, standing inside Motherhood Maternity, full from needing to feed Elijah, and being told i wouldn't fit their smallest size bra. 

you know those stories about women saying they quadrupled in size when they were pregnant & nursing? i shrunk. 

after i was done nursing Elijah, my chest was so flat that i didn't need to wear a bra at all. 

the only reason i even did wear one was so i didn't look like a 10-year-old girl carrying a baby. 

my insecurity about my body affected everything and everyone around me. 

already suffering from body image issues from the post-partum weight, this just piled more problems on top of that. 

not to mention all the feelings of anxiety & depression i was dealing with after having a baby.

i hated myself. i hated my body. 

i didn't feel comfortable enough in my own skin to even let Adam get close to me. 

i couldn't believe that a great guy like him could ever like me, let alone be attracted to me, and many times i would just start crying from being so overwhelmed by it all. 

so all this, 

all this turmoil & frustration & shameful insecurity, 

all this has been going on for a goooood while. 

the last three years being the worst of it. 

and it wasn't until recently that i finally started seeing the light. 

what changed? 

MY BRA!! 

i never, ever, would have thought a bra could make that big of difference in how i looked 

and {more importantly} how i felt about myself. 

but that's because i haven't been wearing the right one after all these years. 

80% of women are wearing the wrong bra. 

and most women don't realize that the bra they have been wearing has brought them back & shoulder pain as well as poor posture and migrated breast tissues at the back/armpits. 

{i didn't even know migrated breast tissues was a problem but i totally see the difference now!}

Braologie is out to change all that! 

they have created their own line of products that specializes in correcting a woman's posture and body shape through their revolutionary bra fitting technique. 

you can feel and see the difference instantly! 

i was able to test out the Posture-Contour Bra & Mini Vest. 

at first, the bra and vest were pretty uncomfortable and i didn't really jump on board right away. 

though, i really liked the push-up feature :)

but it didn't feel the best as the bra & vest worked to improve my posture. 

i kept with it though and in no time i saw & felt a huge difference. 

i told Adam, "I FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN!" 

and i finally started to like my own body shape a little more. 

i even felt {dare i say} sexier!

the people over at Braologie [namely Tallia, we got close :)] are wonderful to work with and really go out of their way to give you the best experience possible. 

i sent in my pictures and measurements to get fitted for a bra and they took the time to make sure i got the best product for me. 

they even gave me post-fitting advice to make sure i was wearing the bra correctly which helped tremendously since i needed to make some adjustments to help with the fit. 

and Braologie offers free fitting advice even if you don't purchase one of their products. 

their biggest goal is to educate women who have been wearing ill-fitting bras and have body & posture issues. their bra-gurus will help give advice on your current bra, understand what can be done to get a better fit, and help improve the comfort of the fitting and overall posture. 

i truly, truly, LOVE my Braologie bra and cannot stress that enough. 

since switching, i have more confidence in myself and my body, with and without the bra.

i know it can seem like such a vain thing, but how you see yourself does make a huge difference in how you feel overall. 

and i can honestly say that even though i still may not look like a Victoria's Secret model, i'm more accepting of my body and feel much more confident. 

i mean... it only took 25 years! 

be sure to check out Braologie on their 

blog 

Facebook page 

& Twitter 

DISCOUNT:: to help more women get the best fit & support in their lingerie, Braologie is offering all Mrs. Robinson Readers $15 off all products from their online store with the code megancamille. code expires June 6th, 2013.

[how to input the coupon code: when checking out, the site directs you to PayPal right away to collect your shipping and billing address. after that, you will return to Shopify where you will pick a shipping rage & type in the discount code. the price is updated accordingly and, on that same page, you will be able to finalize your transaction.]

[i also want to say, for the record here, that i have gone to other places to get fitted like Victoria's Secret and they all have told me the same thing: they didn't have anything that would actually fit me. i tried their bras anyways because i was desperate but after wearing the Braologie bra now i realize how bad they were for me. Braologie has been the first company ever to actually cater to my needs and size. serious.]