the difference a bump makes

the skirt is so stretchy & fabulous. and I'm so glad I have this flowy oversized shirt. perfect for both stages :)

The whole pregnancy and post-pregnancy body stuff is crazy.

You spend 9 months seeing your body grow & change exponentially and try to come to terms with the fact that there's a good reason why you will probably never fit in jeans again. 

And then you get to a point where you accept that your body is doing something pretty crazy even if you gain a billion pounds and then you have your baby... 

and all those insecurities about how you don't even recognize your body anymore come flooding back.

I go back and forth between being in awe of my body and what it accomplished 

and how much I hate that all my clothes don't quite fit me right anymore and my pooch is setting up permanent camp on my abdomen [with some help of some Oreos].

The frustrations that I had after I had Elijah have made themselves known again. 

But I'm trying hard to not go to that dark, unhealthy place again. 

And embrace the pooch. 

I never thought I'd miss my bump and the reason why it was okay to eat junk without judgement. 

Or not have to be self-conscious about hiding bellies & curves.

Bodies are crazy. 

They are miraculous and beautiful and frustrating and take up too much time in my thoughts.

They are capable of the impossible and never get enough credit. 

So I'm trying to be more grateful for mine. 

20+ extra post-partum pounds and all. 

And also maybe start running... 

stripes are my momiform

dress: Target // sandals: Wal-Mart // necklace:  c/o That's So Fab // undershirt: half-tee from DownEast

This is basically my momiform lately: 

skirt or dress 

{usually stripes because apparently that's all I like to wear lately?}, 

sandals, 

and ponytail. 

It's so hot!
[can you see it in my "glowing" face??]
And pants don't fit.
So skirts & dresses it is!

Though this bump is starting to make it a little more difficult to even fit into those.
So bring on the leggings and gym pants for the last month of pregnancy!

the truth about pregnancy

Before I was pregnant with Elijah, pregnancy seemed like such a magical time. 

I never really heard many negative [truthful] things about pregnancy and just thought baby bumps were cute and your skin & hair was supposed to become super beautiful or something. 

HAAAAAAAA!! 

And then with this pregnancy, I had high hopes that things would be different. 

Maybe I was just a weakling, no endurance, did something wrong... 

This time it would be all the wonderful stuff I heard about. 

HAAAAAAAA!!

This clip pretty much sums up my feelings perfectly. 

Everything in this clip is sooooooo true! 

Although I am so so so incredibly grateful to be pregnant and have 2 kids, it is not all sunshine and roses and beautiful baby bump pictures every day. 

And if I'm being completely honest, though the kids are great, the process can really suck at times. 

So here's my {pregnancy rant} list of truths to help prepare other mothers with incredibly high-expectations like I did. And to hopefully show some support to other mothers who may be feeling the same thing. 

Cause I can't be the only one right? 

WARNING: TMI's ahead ;)

Pregnancy Truths 

::: Morning sickness does not just last the first trimester nor in the mornings. 

If you're lucky, you can be sick the whole pregnancy. 

You get a good ab workout. 

::: And it can come out both ends. 

The whole pregnancy. 

Your body will feel like it's exploding.

::: Not every woman gets cravings. 

And cravings don't always mean you should actually eat it.

(contrary to what my doctor said the first round...) 

AND food aversions can change and last through the whole pregnancy. 

To the point that you feel like you can literally eat nothing even though you feel like you want to eat everything cause you're so hungry. 

::: Hemorroids are real. 

And you can't sit down without crying.

::: Acid reflux you can feel in your knees up to you ears.
Yes, your ears burn.
And NOTHING helps!
Pepcid AC is just like candy to me at this point. 

::: It gets to the point where your stomach is so big your ski hurts. 

Not hurts like itching from the stretching, but hurts like it's being spread so thin it's sensitive. 

::: Baby kicks are so fun the first 20-30 weeks. 

After that, every kick & punch feels like it's causing internal damage. 

I'm pretty sure I have some organ bleeding somewhere. 

::: Your bones & muscles feel like they are literally breaking especially toward the end. 

Cause they kind of are, getting softer & ready to push a baby out. 

::: You have to pee all.the.freaking.time. 

Even if you just went, be prepared to have to empty your bladder again in 5-10 minutes. 

::: And if you wait to go to the bathroom, it starts to hurt. 

The baby is on your bladder, your bladder is full, and it is putting so much pressure on you that it just becomes painful. 

::: Braxton-hicks contractions can start early.

And toward the end they start to happen so frequently, so intensely, that it's just so uncomfortable. 

::: Your stomach warps into weird shapes a lot. 

Either from the baby kicking or from the contractions tightening your stomach, you'll see lots of weird stomach positions.

::: Before you even have to push the baby out, your lady parts feel like they are falling apart.
Especially when the baby is low and kicks you right in the cervix...
Fun times. 

::: Emotions are hiiiighhh!! 

My family kind of hates me now. 

I'm either angry, depressed, happy, excited, overwhelmed, or crying. 

::: Exhaustion. Exhaustion. Exhaustion. 

And towards the end I'm even more exhausted. 

That whole "nesting" energy peak? 

That does not kick in for everyone. 

::: Pregnancy glow is a joke. 

JOKE. 

Though I've never had clear skin, my skin gets much worse when pregnant. 

I feel like a hormonal teenager with grease dripping from my skin.

::: You know what else is a joke?? Thick, luscious hair.
My hair doesn't grow when I'm pregnant.
It's nice for shaving cause I don't have to every day anymore.
But that full head of beautiful locks that I have always coveted? Never happens.

::: Really you just feel gross constantly.
Your body is doing weird things getting ready for the baby to come.
[Weird things down there.]
You're way bigger than you ever thought possible, and only growing exponentially.
You just aren't yourself.
All the things you used to criticize you now miss more than ever.

::: Back pain. 

Back pain!! 

::: Anything you wear makes it feel like you can't breathe. 

All I want to do is take all my clothes off the minute I am home. 

Shirts become constricting, bras are torture, pants are useless. 

Collars or anything around my neck is complete and utter torture. 

::: Those weight gain charts become your worst enemy. 

And you hate anyone who says anything about how big you are. 

I have a long list of names of people I want to punch. 

Sometimes that includes Adam and his "little jokes." 

::: Bloody noses can happen often. 

It's gross and freaky. 

I've never had a bloody nose in my life before being pregnant with this little girl.

::: And the biggest truth of all: Sometimes the connection to your baby doesn't always happen during pregnancy. And feelings of nervousness and anxiety are common and normal.

[I'm sure there's more but I can't think of it all right now.... oh another pregnancy truth: forgetfullness!]

-------------------

BUT!

With all that suckiness that comes with pregnancy, there is so much good and blessed.
Especially at the end when you get a perfect, precious, sweet little baby to hold.

It's amazing what your body can endure to bring a perfect little baby into the world.
Though newborns come with their own struggles, just being in the presence of one you can feel so much peace and closer to heaven.

I may not like being pregnant all the time,
but I love that sweet little prize at the end.

That's what makes it all worth it!


Do you have any of these symptoms or others??
I'd love to hear about your experience!
{Unless it's perfect and you had the most amazing, magical time being pregnant ever then you can maybe just pass... My emotions can't take that. ;)}
[kidding]

floral, stripes & bumps

top: c/o Persunmall // skirt: Kohl's // shoes: Target // necklace: Claire's

BUMP AHEAD!! 

I love this skirt and how comfortable it is. And stretchy! 

I got it while I was in California and have worn it at least twice a week since. 

It's perfect to wear through pregnancy and after. 

Though Adam does laugh at how it accentuates my new pregnant budonkadonk. 

Cause when the doctor says I need to watch my weight gain, it's cause it allllll goes to my backside. 

{emoticon for sticking tongue out.} 

#sweatpantsaretheonlythingthatfitmerightnow

So grateful for oversized, flowy tops & stretchy bottoms! 

They have been a lifesaver this pregnancy. 

And have helped me avoid most of the unflattering maternity clothes that make me feel like I'm wearing circus tents. :)

Color Fun Fest

So I'm basically a crazy person and decided to sign up to do a 5K. 

At 20 weeks pregnant. 

Cause there's no pressure quite like peer pressure right?? 

I had a BLAST running the Color Fun Run 5K with a fun group of girls from my church. 

Colors being thrown at you + an epic dance party at the end, how could I say no? 

It was seriously one of the best girls nights I ever had!! 

I was super proud of myself too because I actually ran most of the time.
I wasn't planning on running and was just going to walk but I knew I wanted to at least run in the beginning. I ended up feeling so good that I just kept running and only had to stop a couple of times. I actually felt like walking hurt more than just running so that helped me keep going. And I was able to finish strong and still jumped around like a crazy person at the dance party. :)

I'm so glad I have a great group of girls around here that motivate me and reach out to me especially when I need it most! I had been feeling kind of down lately and in a funk. And then I heard about this fun run and decided to sign up and it was sooooo worth it!! I needed that reconnection and that fun, crazy, girlfriend time! I feel so much happier and rejuvenated (and sore!) and more like me, but just 20 lbs heavier, ha. I still got moves though!

Thank you for a fun night girls!! 

It was epic. 

And I definitely will be signing up for the next one, even if I'm 30 weeks pregnant ;)

pink doughnuts

"Elijah, you're going to have a baby sister!!" 

[reaction] 

[cue tears] 

"But I want a boy!!!" 

So we got pink doughnuts to celebrate [slash: ease the pain] the news that we are having a 

BABY GIRL!! 

Elijah then flipped the smile upside down. 

Mainly cause I bribed him with sugar. ;) 

We are so excited and in quite a bit of shock at the news! 

I kind had a feeling, especially when I would hear other people make their guesses, but I was soooo off with Elijah {swore up and down he was a girl} that I just refused to get my hopes up. 

So when the ultrasound tech told us I asked her if she was certain cause I couldn't really believe it, ha. 

But we are truly so happy and can't wait to learn more about such a foreign area for us.

If she's crazy and energetic like her brother though I guess we will be pretty set in our range of knowledge. ;) 

p.s. if you know of any cute shops for little girls clothes/accessories, please leave a link! I may have to give myself a budget cause I'm sure I'll go girl crazy. But I'd love to see your favorite items to add to my lists :)  

miracle of life

I know I've been really quiet around here lately and kind of a bad blogger. 

Maybe this might help explain my absence... 

After a rough patch filled with lots of tears, prayers, and frustrations, we are SO excited to have our little family grow by one this coming summer!

Elijah is excited to be a big brother and already is asking to help feed the baby a bottle. And although I've been sick and miserable, I'm feel more and more excited to have another sweet spirit in our home.

I have been feeling a whirlwind of different emotions ever since we found out.
Happiness, disbelief, shock, overwhelmed, joy, guilt, gratitude, nervous...
But the farther along I get the more at peace I feel and know that we are blessed.

2013 was a rough one for me, partly because of this whole family planning business. Though I know our story isn't uncommon and there are many more who have been through so much more than we have, this experience has given me a greater realization that the Lord is truly in charge of all things. And that is why we must trust in Him and have faith in Him to help us through the difficult times.

There are so many things I will never ever understand in this life and couldn't understand. But I do know that it is only through Him that we can get through anything that life has to throw at us. Because He is still there for us even when we lose all hope.

So here's to life!! 
The miracle & beauty of life in all its forms. 

pictures of Halloween past

i thought it would be fun to go through the last few years of Halloween costumes
you know, for {posterity}

 

FRESHMAN YEAR 2006:
EMOs-
yes, we were so clever!

 
Amy and i
{we cry black tears} 
 

SOPHOMORE YEAR 2007-
nothing
i’m lame… i think i had to work though.

JUNIOR YEAR 2008-
Captain von Trapp and Maria from Sound of Music
favorite movie

   

 

SENIOR YEAR 2009-
Juno and Bleaker
i was 2 months pregnant at the time
{my belly was stuffed… i wasn’t that big at 2 months!}

  

SUPER SENIORS 2010-
skeletons {and a witch but no picture of me} 
Eli in his glorious chub!

  

GRADUATES 2011-
Dwight, The Queen of Hearts and Absolem the caterpillar
i’m pretty sure our costume skills have improved?

 

i don’t know what you guys all thought of that, but that was fun for me to look back!
oh good times!!

what have been some of your past costumes?
i’d love to know!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

 

expanding and post-edit

when we were visiting Adam’s family, there was this little doll that Eli would play with so sweetly

he would rub its face,
hold it perfectly like a little baby (when he’s never held one before, mind you!),
push it around in a stroller,
and just take care of it.

whenever we see other little babies around town, on TV, or in church, Eli gets to excited and just starts staring at them wanting to touch them and play with them.

he loves babies! 

when i tell people this, their natural reaction is:
“sounds like Eli needs a little brother or sister!”
and then i cry.

it’s totally understandable that people would say this. or even for people to ask when we are going to have another baby. especially in the area i live in, it’s common to see women pregnant with their second, third, etc. baby when their youngest is around Elijah’s age.

and if you want to have your kids 2 years apart {that golden age difference} it makes sense to get pregnant now.

but i am SO NOT READY FOR IT!
and honestly, it is really hard to admit that to other women.

while they’re getting ready for another baby, i’m barely able to keep up with the E-man.
while they’re perfecting their waddle, i’m sitting in the corner trying to figure out how to handle another day.
while they’re having baby showers, i’m at home crying because i can’t handle another Sunday with Elijah running around the hallways.

but i feel like i’m expected to be ready.
i’m expected to want another baby.
i’m expected to be pregnant again.
and it’s a lot of pressure.

however, i know there is a plan for me and my family!
i know that when the time is right both Adam and i will feel ready to add to our little family.
{and we do want more kids!!}
i know that what i’m supposed to be doing right now is learning to be the best mother  for Elijah and show him the love & care he needs and deserves. 

i know that right now i shouldn’t be too worried about expanding our family as much as expanding ourselves!

i do love my family!
i love waking up to Eli’s smiling face
i love seeing Eli’s face light up as he learns new things.
i love when Adam comes home and talks and plays with us after a long day.
i love the place we are in now.
i love learning how to fulfill my calling and become a better mother.

it is really hard sometimes.
but right now it is good.
right now i think we are getting to a good place.
we’ll make it.

i know the Lord has a plan for me. and i am so grateful for that knowledge.
i also know each of our lives, choices, & decisions are different. and for me and my family it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, as long as we are doing what we are supposed to be doing for our given situation. and right now, i know this is what is right for me.

and that is pretty much a way better feeling than worrying about “peer-pressure!”
i should remember that
:)

 

post-edit: i don’t mean to come across in this post that people are rude to me and say things to me all the time. that is not the case. i know i put the pressure on myself when i see other people having babies but not feeling ready.

i just wanted to express my feelings that we are all in different situations with different needs and emotions. what may be right for me might not be right for another person. and right now i am just trying to enjoy my little family and become the best mother and wife i can be.
and that’s what is right for me.

so, this is love

[why yes, my face is pretty chubby in this picture. try to block that part out]

when i first found out i was pregnant, i had a huge range of emotions.
excitement
fear
anxiety
love
frustration
confusion
happiness
guilt
& sadness

you see, Elijah wasn’t planned.
we knew we wanted kids eventually but at that moment, our lives felt pretty unstable.
we still had two more years of school,
we didn’t have a permanent residence,
we were barely getting by financially,
my parents had just moved to the middle of nowhere Marshall Islands,
and we had only been married 3 months
{and finding out it was a lot harder than anticipated!}

the day after i found out i was pregnant, i called my mom crying.  
“we should’ve been more careful.”
“i’m never going to finish school now.”
“what are we going to do?”
“we have no money!”
“what will people think?”
“i just got married!”
“i’m not ready for this!”

although we had a back up plan [cause nothing is certain] and Adam was more than supportive and happy for our new addition, i kept feeling like we did something wrong. i was so excited to have a little baby but i couldn’t shake my feelings of sadness and frustration at the same time.

then, to add to my emotional struggles, i started struggling physically as well. 
i was sick all the time.
i had cramps for the whole 9 months.
and we thought i was going to lose the baby on more than one occasion.

i spent many sleepless night crying and telling Adam that i couldn’t do it.
i couldn’t have this baby.
i didn’t even know if i wanted this baby.
after all i was going through, after all the pain and emotional turmoil,
how would it really be worth it?*

i had Elijah in four hours and in one push. i believe the Lord helped me have an easy labor because my pregnancy was so rough. but everything happened so fast i felt like i didn’t have any time to process it.

i held my baby boy for the first time and tried to nurse him.
i had read all the books, i watched all the videos, went to classes, and studied exactly how was supposed to get the baby to latch to create a strong bond within those first few seconds.
all i could think about was my technique and my form.
was i doing this right? 

my sister was with me at the hospital and she was crying when she held Elijah for the first time.
Adam couldn’t keep his eyes off of him and followed him down to the nursery, beaming the whole way down.  
i sat in the bed, with a painted smile on my face, still trying to process the fact that i was now
a mother. 
in the back of my mind i kept thinking,
shouldn’t i be crying?

that night as Adam tried to sleep on the small cot the hospital provided, i held my baby boy in my arms while he slept. i started silently praying to God, “help me. help me know i’m his mother. help me know who he is and he is mine.”

then the tears finally came. {and they still do every time i think of this moment!}
he was my son! he was my little boy! and i knew that without a doubt.

i felt a feeling of overwhelming peace & joy.
i knew my purpose. i knew what my life was to be like. i knew i was holding one of God’s children and he was entrusted to my care. i knew God trusted me to raise him faithfully and lovingly. i knew what love was. and i felt it in every part of my body & soul.

there are many, many days where i get tired, worn-out, & frustrated being a mom.
there are days where i say, “i didn’t ask for this! this wasn’t my plan!”

then i remember that moment that i tenderly held my baby boy in that quiet, dark hospital room. and i remember the peace i felt as i looked into my son’s face.
and i remember the Lord’s plan is for His children to have joy.
and this is it!
not my degree, not my job, not my house or my money or my decorations.
my son, my husband, my family, they are my true loves
my pure moments of happiness!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*i did and still do feel extremely guilty for ever admitting these feelings. especially knowing many women who have struggled to get pregnant and want more than anything to have a child of their own. i do not want  to ever seem ungrateful or take away from the real struggles others may be going through. this is just my story and my feelings that i feel impressed to share in my own way.

after talking to other women, i think the feelings of uncertainty and fear of having a baby are more common than we are willing to admit to others. we don’t want to seem like bad mothers or ungrateful for our children. however, i feel like if we are willing to open up to one another a little more, we will find there are many others who are there to lend support rather than judgment.
i think we all have something to offer each other.

tomorrow i have a special guest post lined up from a very good friend of mine. she shares her inspirational story of how she found her own joy in motherhood after years of never wanting children. i hope you take the time to read her story and share your own story of finding the
joys of motherhood!

dear baby

child of mine,

please come in the next few days. please please please. you are breaking my pelvis. literally. and it makes it incredibly painful to do anything. lets just get the ultimate pain over with instead of this prolonged intense pain. i would really appreciate it. and i know i would be a much happier and loving mother when the pain stops. cause right now i think your dad is getting nervous for my mental health… love you lots and waiting {not so patiently} for your arrival!

love, your mother

thundercats are go!

(thank you Es Jay for reminding me how much i love that movie)

3 finals on Friday

1 final Saturday (that I barely had time to study for at all because of said previous finals)

all school work done

baby clothes washed

baby bed set up

hospital bag packed

lists made

to-do’s check

let’s get this show on the road baby!!

i think we’re more than ready for ya.

hello big belly

 

{this last one was Adam’s idea}

 

Less than 2 weeks!!

adam and the baby

adam loves our baby.

he told me so the other day.

“I just LOVE our baby,” he said.

when adam wakes me up in the morning, he will first rub my belly and see if the baby is kicking.

one night the baby kicked me really hard in the side and i let out a yelp of pain. adam asked me what happened and i just kind of gritted my teeth and said, “oh…. the baby is just… moving.”

he then leaned over to me and rubbed my stomach and said, “oh, he’s okay. he’s just stretching and doesn’t know what he’s doing. he’s trying to get big.”

{what a good dad.}

the other day, i was grumpy (not a surprise) and adam was trying to rub my stomach and squish me. i told him to go away.

“he’s my baby too!!” adam said to me.

he gets really defensive when i hog my belly.

he’s so excited. i’m so excited.

we’re gonna be a mommy and daddy!!!

 

are you calling me fat???

last friday i had my appointment with WIC to watch a riveting video on breastfeeding.

while the video is a story on it’s own, this story takes place when i first walked in and was asked to step on the scale.

the kind lady marked down my weight then looked down on my chart with a concerned expression. she then held up a chart that marked my progress in weight and if i was staying on the path of healthy obesity.

she had marked me {off the path} she then went on to tell me how i had a unusually large spike in my weight gain and i need to be careful.

“make sure you are not over-eating” she said “and you are only eating when you are hungry, not all the time.”

i was completely devastated. i could only muster up a weak “okay” to her claims that i was unhealthy.

then as we were going into the room to watch the video, i proceeded to try to convince her that i was healthy.

“i only eat carrots! and yogurt!”

i could’ve screamed it. my self-esteem was shot to the ground.

the worker said i’m fat. worst thing ever you could say to a pregnant woman.

i was paranoid about it all weekend. i kept telling adam that i was afraid to eat too much and was very {very} extra cautious of what i ate during the day.

{then.} we went to the doctor, whom i trust a little more than the kind government workers, and he said:

“your weight is great. you are fine and healthy. and it looks like you are only gaining a lot in your stomach which is nice, huh? (as he turns to adam who nods in agreement)”

hallelujah to the doctor! i can now eat again without fah-reaking out that i’m going to have a heart attack.

adam told me later, “you still look good” in his attempt to make me feel better.

it did.

my dream came true

when i first found out i was pregnant, i had this idea of eating soup/cereal/any meal needing a bowl while balancing it on my stomach.

i did it!!

and i can’t even begin to explain to you the {excitement} i felt when i tried and succeed for the first time.

SUCCESS!!

taco soup never tasted so good.

papa adam

i can’t imagine having a baby without adam.

and i can’t imagine anyone else being more excited than he is everyday.

literally everyday. every morning. every second.

when he texts me he asks how i am feeling. then he asks how the baby is doing.

in the morning, he first squishes me to wake me up

{while i try to push him off}

i am the worst morning person ever

and then he rubs my stomach and talks to the baby. sometimes he’ll kiss it to say good morning.

{cheesy?}

yes. but i love it.

i am glad he so happy and so excited to be a father.

even if our baby will be annoyed of him [which adam admits full heartedly] because he will constantly squish and kiss him.

smother smother smother. but adam is excited.

[adam has also expressed his desire to dress our baby up in funny outfits and take pictures.] i don’t know if i am excited about this….

my little baby

i feel bad for him today.

morning sickness is come back. i woke up {more than once} in the night feeling awful and sick. going to toss my girl scout cookies. [was that too graphic?] i tried to just sleep it off but it was impossible.

so in the morning i woke up and took adam to school like normal. then went home to go back to sleep like normal. and then i just couldn’t get up. my stomach was awful. it hates me. now my poor child is not very happy with me.

i slept until 3. and have only eaten some cereal and a roll. which my stomach turned against instantly.

so i’ve slept more.

i’m sorry baby.

you are probably more hungry than usual.

good thing mommy has packed on lots of extra pounds that will fortify you for the time being.

bring it on Braxton

i’ve been having {awesome} braxton hicks contractions now that i’m in the last leg of my journey.

it actually has been going on for some time but i always just thought the baby was doing something weird. now i realize all the tightening and uncomfortable-ness of it is in fact contractions

sweet.

they don’t hurt. {yet} but they are darn uncomfortable. it tires me out. sometimes it feels like all my insides are being pinched together. lame.

but. i heard this is a good thing. in a way. my body is practicing. so i hope it’s getting some good practice time in so we can get this baby out smoothly and easily.

{no complications.}

that’s the goal.

so as long as you do me right, braxton, keep on practicing. i’ll encourage you along the way to make sure you don’t lose sight of the main goal here.

healthy baby boy. healthy baby boy.

not a lot of pain. not a lot of pain.

that’s my chant.

my daily struggle

this morning i woke up really early from some psycho dream and realized i was starving. but i was pretty sure it was only 5 am.

i put it off and tried to go back to sleep.

{sleep trumps all in my book}

then i could feel the little boy kicking me lots. he was hungry too. and being the good mom i am i told him to wait cause mommy was too tired and went back to sleep. {this will not be what happens when he for reals comes, i assure you}

then i had to wake up to take adam to school. and i was still exhausted. i told adam i was starving. but i was too tired to even think about food.

to which he replied: “this is your daily struggle huh? to sleep or eat. everyday you have to choose.”

{it’s true.}

i still haven’t gotten breakfast.

i’m still trying to find my energy to pour that cereal.