my reason

i had a good friend ask me once why i decided to get help for my depression.
the answer was simple: for my son.

i knew i wasn’t being the mother that i wanted to be 
and i knew i wasn’t showing him the love that i truly felt for him & that he deserved

i was being held back
i was so caught up in my own emotions
i was trapped in feeling inadequate, unworthy, irresponsible
and i knew that i didn’t want that life for my son.

there are many days that sometimes i feel like i just can’t do it anymore.
sometimes i secretly wish i could just go away! just disappear.
run away from all my problems that i feel haunted by
from all the people that hurt me
from all the emotions that weigh me down
i just don’t want to be here.
(please don’t think these are thoughts about taking my own life. just going away, somewhere new to start over)

and then Elijah looks over at me and gives me his sweet, 8-toothed smile,
and he comes up on the couch to cuddle with me while he drinks his bottle,
and he rubs his head against mine and hums in my ear,
and he hugs my legs as i’m walking by, just for a brief second, then goes off to play with his toys,
and i remember it is all worth it!

i know that if i get discouraged with it all and just want to give up, i think to myself:
“if you won’t do it for you, at least do it for him!”

i know that when i get help for myself, i ultimately am getting help for him.
when i get help for myself, i am able to be the mother that i always wanted to be.
when i get help for myself, i am giving Eli the life that he needs & deserves
and i know i will be able to teach him how to be mentally healthy when he struggles in his life.

i love my son more than words can express
i know i was blessed with him in my life to teach me, guide me, and help me to become a better person.
i know the Lord knew i would need his sweet spirit in my life as i go through this emotional turmoil.
my son gives me purpose, direction, strength & peace.
[he, of course, is a handful and difficult at times but we’re looking at overall picture here :)]

thank you for coming to our family, sweet Elijah Adam!
i love you more than words can express & i’m so grateful and blessed to be your Mama

 

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p.s. Sew Beastly giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight! hurry and enter!

p.p.s. (or p.s.s.?) i’m guest posting over at Mrs. T, Naturally today. check it out here!