my reason

my reason

i had a good friend ask me once why i decided to get help for my depression.
the answer was simple: for my son.

i knew i wasn’t being the mother that i wanted to be 
and i knew i wasn’t showing him the love that i truly felt for him & that he deserved

i was being held back
i was so caught up in my own emotions
i was trapped in feeling inadequate, unworthy, irresponsible
and i knew that i didn’t want that life for my son.

there are many days that sometimes i feel like i just can’t do it anymore.
sometimes i secretly wish i could just go away! just disappear.
run away from all my problems that i feel haunted by
from all the people that hurt me
from all the emotions that weigh me down
i just don’t want to be here.
(please don’t think these are thoughts about taking my own life. just going away, somewhere new to start over)

and then Elijah looks over at me and gives me his sweet, 8-toothed smile,
and he comes up on the couch to cuddle with me while he drinks his bottle,
and he rubs his head against mine and hums in my ear,
and he hugs my legs as i’m walking by, just for a brief second, then goes off to play with his toys,
and i remember it is all worth it!

i know that if i get discouraged with it all and just want to give up, i think to myself:
“if you won’t do it for you, at least do it for him!”

i know that when i get help for myself, i ultimately am getting help for him.
when i get help for myself, i am able to be the mother that i always wanted to be.
when i get help for myself, i am giving Eli the life that he needs & deserves
and i know i will be able to teach him how to be mentally healthy when he struggles in his life.

i love my son more than words can express
i know i was blessed with him in my life to teach me, guide me, and help me to become a better person.
i know the Lord knew i would need his sweet spirit in my life as i go through this emotional turmoil.
my son gives me purpose, direction, strength & peace.
[he, of course, is a handful and difficult at times but we’re looking at overall picture here :)]

thank you for coming to our family, sweet Elijah Adam!
i love you more than words can express & i’m so grateful and blessed to be your Mama

 

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p.s. Sew Beastly giveaway ends tomorrow at midnight! hurry and enter!

p.p.s. (or p.s.s.?) i’m guest posting over at Mrs. T, Naturally today. check it out here!

11 comments:

Daryl said...

You are so strong, and such a wonderful mother for putting your son first. Such a beautiful inspiration!

Liz @ try on life said...

Stopping by from Mrs. T... Keep getting help it is so worth it!!! I've been reading your posts are really like your blog and honesty, I have often wondered if I was the only one who struggled with the change of "roles" becoming a wife etc.. Your little man is adorable!!

Liz

Erin said...

Megan,

Thanks for the sweet comment! I loved your post over at Mrs. T, Naturally and I love this one! Life is so hard and the only strength we can muster and move forward, is the strength we ask from God. You're beautiful inside and out my dear! :)

Erin said...

Megan,

Thanks for the sweet comment! I loved your post over at Mrs. T, Naturally and I love this one! Life is so hard and the only strength we can muster and move forward, is the strength we ask from God. You're beautiful inside and out my dear! :)

Emma Frances said...

What a sweet post. :] And you are so amazing for being so strong for your son!

TV's Take said...

Great post! NOw following you from Mrs. T Naturally

Amanda said...

Wow! What a powerful post! I love that you took the initiative to get help for both you and your son! Thanks for following, following you back now :)

Naomi said...

This is a great post, I've gone through the same type of thing: I've struggled with depression since I was 11. Once God gave me our first child, I knew "Ok, I really need to be entreating God about this. This is really serious now!" God is so faithful.

Liv said...

I'm glad you're doing what you need, and that you're receiving positive feedback. You are doing something wonderful for yourself and your child, and I hope no one ever makes you feel badly for having moments when you don't think life is the best.thing.ever. Sometimes it's not, and sometimes we need help getting through it!

Rachael said...

Well said. Thank you for your openness. Depression can be ugly but, it truly needs to be handled the right way. Good job.

kinze said...

amazing post ... thanks for being so open ... and BTW i love your haircut in your profile pic ... so fresh looking!