so, this is love

DSC04032 [why yes, my face is pretty chubby in this picture. try to block that part out]

when i first found out i was pregnant, i had a huge range of emotions.
excitement
fear
anxiety
love
frustration
confusion
happiness
guilt
& sadness

you see, Elijah wasn’t planned.
we knew we wanted kids eventually but at that moment, our lives felt pretty unstable.
we still had two more years of school,
we didn’t have a permanent residence,
we were barely getting by financially,
my parents had just moved to the middle of nowhere Marshall Islands,
and we had only been married 3 months
{and finding out it was a lot harder than anticipated!}

the day after i found out i was pregnant, i called my mom crying.  
“we should’ve been more careful.”
“i’m never going to finish school now.”
“what are we going to do?”
“we have no money!”
“what will people think?”
“i just got married!”
“i’m not ready for this!”

although we had a back up plan [cause nothing is certain] and Adam was more than supportive and happy for our new addition, i kept feeling like we did something wrong. i was so excited to have a little baby but i couldn’t shake my feelings of sadness and frustration at the same time.

then, to add to my emotional struggles, i started struggling physically as well. 
i was sick all the time.
i had cramps for the whole 9 months.
and we thought i was going to lose the baby on more than one occasion.

i spent many sleepless night crying and telling Adam that i couldn’t do it.
i couldn’t have this baby.
i didn’t even know if i wanted this baby.
after all i was going through, after all the pain and emotional turmoil,
how would it really be worth it?*

i had Elijah in four hours and in one push. i believe the Lord helped me have an easy labor because my pregnancy was so rough. but everything happened so fast i felt like i didn’t have any time to process it.

i held my baby boy for the first time and tried to nurse him.
i had read all the books, i watched all the videos, went to classes, and studied exactly how was supposed to get the baby to latch to create a strong bond within those first few seconds.
all i could think about was my technique and my form.
was i doing this right? 

my sister was with me at the hospital and she was crying when she held Elijah for the first time.
Adam couldn’t keep his eyes off of him and followed him down to the nursery, beaming the whole way down.  
i sat in the bed, with a painted smile on my face, still trying to process the fact that i was now
a mother. 
in the back of my mind i kept thinking,
shouldn’t i be crying?

that night as Adam tried to sleep on the small cot the hospital provided, i held my baby boy in my arms while he slept. i started silently praying to God, “help me. help me know i’m his mother. help me know who he is and he is mine.”

then the tears finally came. {and they still do every time i think of this moment!}
he was my son! he was my little boy! and i knew that without a doubt.

i felt a feeling of overwhelming peace & joy.
i knew my purpose. i knew what my life was to be like. i knew i was holding one of God’s children and he was entrusted to my care. i knew God trusted me to raise him faithfully and lovingly. i knew what love was. and i felt it in every part of my body & soul.

there are many, many days where i get tired, worn-out, & frustrated being a mom.
there are days where i say, “i didn’t ask for this! this wasn’t my plan!”

then i remember that moment that i tenderly held my baby boy in that quiet, dark hospital room. and i remember the peace i felt as i looked into my son’s face.
and i remember the Lord’s plan is for His children to have joy.
and this is it!
not my degree, not my job, not my house or my money or my decorations.
my son, my husband, my family, they are my true loves
my pure moments of happiness!

 

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*i did and still do feel extremely guilty for ever admitting these feelings. especially knowing many women who have struggled to get pregnant and want more than anything to have a child of their own. i do not want  to ever seem ungrateful or take away from the real struggles others may be going through. this is just my story and my feelings that i feel impressed to share in my own way.

after talking to other women, i think the feelings of uncertainty and fear of having a baby are more common than we are willing to admit to others. we don’t want to seem like bad mothers or ungrateful for our children. however, i feel like if we are willing to open up to one another a little more, we will find there are many others who are there to lend support rather than judgment.
i think we all have something to offer each other.

tomorrow i have a special guest post lined up from a very good friend of mine. she shares her inspirational story of how she found her own joy in motherhood after years of never wanting children. i hope you take the time to read her story and share your own story of finding the
joys of motherhood!

28 comments:

Erin said...

What a beautiful and real story! I think a lot of people out there go through similar emotions and fears as you did throughout the process. I can see the love of God throughout the whole journey and it's beautiful to see how you gave it all to Him and asked Him to make you the strongest mother in the world. :) Thanks for sharing!

katie said...

Such an open and honest story that I'm sure many can relate to. Thanks for putting it out there for us to read.

Jessica Sebastian said...

You are so sweet. I loved your story. I think it makes you an even stronger mother for being able to share it.

Sarah Kate said...

I think your story is beautiful and I admire your honesty so much! I, too, was in the unplanned pregnancy position and was absolutely terrified of being someone's mother. It's especially scary when you know you are *expected* to just naturally have that mom instinct, and for some of us, it takes more time than others. Thanks so much for sharing this!

(And if you think your face looks chubby in that photo, I'll need to send you pictures of mine.)

nikki said...

Aww I teared up a little. You're not making it any easier to wait to have a baby (despite the struggles)...

angieinpink said...

love the raw honesty of this post. i love how it shows a different perspective....that whether it be infertility or extreme fertility or something in between or unrelated - whatever we go through, we can find god's hand in it all...that there is a plan and a purpose, even though we weren't expecting or prepared for it.

you're a fabulous mama & person....thanks for sharing. ♥

kirstenanddevin said...

Love this. Even though I haven't been pregnant yet, I still feel anxiety, fear, & excitement for when that day comes. I'm glad to know I'm not alone when it comes to the fear part. And I'm glad to know that Heavenly Father is here & will always be here to help me replace the feelings of fear ... With feelings of joy. <3 thanks for posting. :)

Cerrisse said...

Thanks for sharing, it was a honest beautiful story!

Hannah said...

You made my cry. You're awesome. (Not just because you made me cry. Because you're strong and cool and I like you.)

Amy @ amy day to day said...

I love the way you open up about the feelings so many of us feel but don't have the balls (excuse my language) to delve into. Thanks for sharing!

mike and breanna devlin said...

I love this post. So honest and truthful. Motherhood can b, and is, a scary thing.. but we're all in this together ;-) You are an awesome mommy and an amazing person and you're little boy is such a stud!!

Jan said...

I love your story and love your honesty. I'm one that it took us 8 years to conceive (and it was a HUGE surprise). We just assumed we weren't meant to have kids. I remember thinking, "why me?". Why didn't God bless someone else who was in the thick of dying to be a mom. I had finally moved on and was becoming ok with not having kids. After our son came, I remember thinking I couldn't do it. It was so much work. Why did I ever want to be a mom so badly? My son is almost 2 and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I wouldn't trade God's timing either. I'm an older mom (10 years older than I wanted to be when I wanted to be pregnant), but looking back on things now, I wouldn't have been able to be a mom back then. I feel blessed each and every day when I look at my son. I still can't believe I'm a mom and still have those hard days, but I know when God has a perfect timing (even when it's not ours), it's just that...perfect.

GingerPeachT said...

Fyi, its ok to have these feelings! Its ok to cry out to God why?! I've been there and I'm scared to death when that day comes...(having a baby and what not). One thing that we have that many do not, is God on OUR side. :-)

Karm said...

I read this and I felt so shocked, because this is how I felt when I had my Kai. But I am glad I read it, because it is so real and honest. You are an amazing mother. And your son is blessed to have you.

Mr. Taylor and his Lady said...

this is so beautiful to read! i truly believe that everything happens for a reason. you will be the most perfect mother, i just know it!
xo TJ

The Dayleys said...

Beautiful and honest. Thank you for sharing. You voiced my thoughts {and I'm not even a mommy}. You're a wonderful woman Megan and your son is very lucky to have you.

Alexis Kaye said...

I honestly loved this post. It felt so real. It gave me goose bumps and made tears well up in my eyes. I appreciate you for being so honest. I see where you're coming from. My husband and I had a pregnancy scare and I was kind of devestated. We have only been married 4 months and I thought I wouldn't be able to finish shcool and I only have a year left! Anyway, you feelings are valid. I don't think you have a reason to be guilty. you're human. :)

Chase + Destiny said...

I loved everything about this post. thank you for sharing!!

Emma Frances said...

I LOVE this post. It makes me so excited to be a mother. And gives me the assurance that even though it WILL be hard it will definitely also be worth it!

Anonymous said...

Super cute site! I am your newest follower. I found you on Mom Bloggers Club. Feel free to check out my site and follow back at www.utahcountymom.com

Sarah Rooftops said...

Please don't feel bad about admitting to your real feelings. You know what? I almost certainly can't get pregnant and still, if I was to find out that I was pregnant RIGHT NOW, even though it's so unlikely and I "should" feel really lucky, I'm in no way prepared for it and I guarantee I would feel just as panicked and uncertain as you did.

Traci Butler said...

I remember reading your blog when you announced your pregnancy and how scared you were.

Reading your story made me cry as I remembered the first time I actually felt like I was Jack's mommy. It is still one of the best moments of my life.

Us mommys need each other to talk about hard things because I think a lot of us can relate on more levels than we think.

So glad you shared.

Shannon said...

just happened to click on your blog from casey's, what an honest post and sweet moment you had!

My Songbook said...

What a lovely post. And what a beautiful moment to have with your son. Congratulations on your little boy. I swear I love my little girl more every day. It just gets better :)

Reannah @ {Shaped by Grace} said...

This was a very sweet and touching post. My second son was unplanned as well and reading through this post reminded me of all the emotions I went through as well. But now I can't imagine my life without his spirit in it. xo Thanks for sharing!! I saw you on Little Miss Mama's FB post! Now following! :) xo, Reannah

missmultitasker said...

Stopped over from LMM's fb post.

Beautiful story. I think things happen for a reason. Babies are such a blessing. Thanks for sharing your story.

Jennie said...

Marshall Islands toooootally caught my eye. Were your parents mission presidents there because I know a missionary who served there! He just got back in May.

Can I just say that I really appreciate your honesty about your feelings toward motherhood and also your other blog posts where you talked about wanting a career originally too? I feel the same way and I've always felt like a little bit of a black sheep when it comes to that. It's always refreshing to hear about someone who feels or felt the same way!

Liv said...

I'm always glad when I find posts like this because it reminds me I'm not the most horrible mother in the world for sometimes wondering why on earth I decided to have a child.

It is a wonderful blessing, but it is also the hardest thing in my life.