so, this is love

[why yes, my face is pretty chubby in this picture. try to block that part out]

when i first found out i was pregnant, i had a huge range of emotions.
excitement
fear
anxiety
love
frustration
confusion
happiness
guilt
& sadness

you see, Elijah wasn’t planned.
we knew we wanted kids eventually but at that moment, our lives felt pretty unstable.
we still had two more years of school,
we didn’t have a permanent residence,
we were barely getting by financially,
my parents had just moved to the middle of nowhere Marshall Islands,
and we had only been married 3 months
{and finding out it was a lot harder than anticipated!}

the day after i found out i was pregnant, i called my mom crying.  
“we should’ve been more careful.”
“i’m never going to finish school now.”
“what are we going to do?”
“we have no money!”
“what will people think?”
“i just got married!”
“i’m not ready for this!”

although we had a back up plan [cause nothing is certain] and Adam was more than supportive and happy for our new addition, i kept feeling like we did something wrong. i was so excited to have a little baby but i couldn’t shake my feelings of sadness and frustration at the same time.

then, to add to my emotional struggles, i started struggling physically as well. 
i was sick all the time.
i had cramps for the whole 9 months.
and we thought i was going to lose the baby on more than one occasion.

i spent many sleepless night crying and telling Adam that i couldn’t do it.
i couldn’t have this baby.
i didn’t even know if i wanted this baby.
after all i was going through, after all the pain and emotional turmoil,
how would it really be worth it?*

i had Elijah in four hours and in one push. i believe the Lord helped me have an easy labor because my pregnancy was so rough. but everything happened so fast i felt like i didn’t have any time to process it.

i held my baby boy for the first time and tried to nurse him.
i had read all the books, i watched all the videos, went to classes, and studied exactly how was supposed to get the baby to latch to create a strong bond within those first few seconds.
all i could think about was my technique and my form.
was i doing this right? 

my sister was with me at the hospital and she was crying when she held Elijah for the first time.
Adam couldn’t keep his eyes off of him and followed him down to the nursery, beaming the whole way down.  
i sat in the bed, with a painted smile on my face, still trying to process the fact that i was now
a mother. 
in the back of my mind i kept thinking,
shouldn’t i be crying?

that night as Adam tried to sleep on the small cot the hospital provided, i held my baby boy in my arms while he slept. i started silently praying to God, “help me. help me know i’m his mother. help me know who he is and he is mine.”

then the tears finally came. {and they still do every time i think of this moment!}
he was my son! he was my little boy! and i knew that without a doubt.

i felt a feeling of overwhelming peace & joy.
i knew my purpose. i knew what my life was to be like. i knew i was holding one of God’s children and he was entrusted to my care. i knew God trusted me to raise him faithfully and lovingly. i knew what love was. and i felt it in every part of my body & soul.

there are many, many days where i get tired, worn-out, & frustrated being a mom.
there are days where i say, “i didn’t ask for this! this wasn’t my plan!”

then i remember that moment that i tenderly held my baby boy in that quiet, dark hospital room. and i remember the peace i felt as i looked into my son’s face.
and i remember the Lord’s plan is for His children to have joy.
and this is it!
not my degree, not my job, not my house or my money or my decorations.
my son, my husband, my family, they are my true loves
my pure moments of happiness!

 

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*i did and still do feel extremely guilty for ever admitting these feelings. especially knowing many women who have struggled to get pregnant and want more than anything to have a child of their own. i do not want  to ever seem ungrateful or take away from the real struggles others may be going through. this is just my story and my feelings that i feel impressed to share in my own way.

after talking to other women, i think the feelings of uncertainty and fear of having a baby are more common than we are willing to admit to others. we don’t want to seem like bad mothers or ungrateful for our children. however, i feel like if we are willing to open up to one another a little more, we will find there are many others who are there to lend support rather than judgment.
i think we all have something to offer each other.

tomorrow i have a special guest post lined up from a very good friend of mine. she shares her inspirational story of how she found her own joy in motherhood after years of never wanting children. i hope you take the time to read her story and share your own story of finding the
joys of motherhood!