{flashback} dad: a son's first hero

In honor of Father's Day AND Adam's birthday yesterday, I wanted to share an old favorite that I wrote honoring Adam. I really like this guy a lot. And I love looking back at the how I've shared my feelings before and realizing that they've grown 10x more since then. :)

i have this theory about Adam that i have thought about for some time.
one that i haven’t really shared with him for the risk of sounding kind of ridiculous.
but as i’ve laid here in bed the last two days listening to Adam interact with & take care of Elijah, it has solidified my theory more and more.

to understand my theory you first have to know this: Adam was born on Father’s Day.
when Adam tells me this his face lights up with a small sense of pride that he was the special gift for his dad that day. and in addition, his dad has the same light on his face when he mentions the day as well.
birth can be thought of as a lot of surprises, nothing totally goes perfectly as planned.
birth dates usually seem coincidental and most of the time you don’t know when the baby will decide to come.

but another thing you have to know is i don’t believe in coincidences, there are reasons why these events occur. including with birth dates.

in my own experience, i believe our birth dates are specifically for us & perfectly meant to be.
i know Elijah was meant to come on the 21st.
and i know Adam was meant to be born on Father’s Day.
which brings me back to my theory.

i believe that because Adam was born on Father’s Day, he was given SUPER Father qualities. i believe he was born on Father’s Day because he was meant to be a great father himself.
and i believe he was born on Father’s Day because the Lord knew he would need those extra qualities when the time came.

that he would have a wife who gets overwhelmed easily
that he would have a more active & rambunctious child 
that fatherhood would come at difficult period in life
that it would be easy to forsake fatherhood responsibilities & give up
that there would be a lot of pressure to provide for a new, little family
and that there would be lots of cards stacked against him from the outside world to be the father he was meant to be.

so Adam was blessed with love
compassion
understanding
energy
hope
faith
determination
kindness
the willingness to serve
positivity
greater perspective
so that he could be the best father {and husband} the Lord knew he would need to be.
many times I hear Adam reading or playing with Elijah quietly and immediately my heart grows ten sizes.

he is so patient with Eli especially when i’m not.
he reasons with him [as much as you can with a 2-year-old] and explains simple ideas.
he is constantly teaching him new things whether it be counting, colors, shapes, ABCs, food, plants, songs… he’s always pointing out something new to him ever since he was a tiny infant.
he has the magic touch to get babies to sleep in 10 minutes. [it literally takes me 2 hours!]
he has more stamina and positivity to get through the hard days.
and he hardly ever complains and never ever regrets our situation.
[also please note that i was the one that took all the child development classes and yet I learn so much from adam everyday]

he is by far the better parent in this partnership and i am grateful every day that i am doing this parenting thing with him by my side.
and get to have a true superhero helping us along the way.

 HAPPY {belated} FATHER’S DAY, ADAM!! we love you!

Favorite Things Giveaway

I'm excited to be teaming up with some great blogs today to giveaway just a few of our favorite things (plus $50 cash!!). Just in time for Christmas!
[Cause I mean, who doesn't want extra presents under the tree??]

There are some awesome & generous ladies involved in this giveaway and I hope you all take the time to visit them and get to know them. And if you do I think you get extra entries :)

32 Turns // And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson // Hello Little Scout // Impractical Composition 
Lady Makes It // Party Pixie // Simplistically Sassy 

Now onto the prizes, right?

One winner will get the following 8 Favorite Things PLUS $50 in cash. 
Here are all the prizes up for grabs.

1. Rachael Ray Red Spatula Set / 2. Blue Square Cake Pedestal / 3. Handmade Gray Flower Clip / 4. Maybelline Baby Lips / 5. Blue Ice Cube Trays / 6. Holiday Lollipop Sticks and Mini Treat Cups / 7. Mason Jar Mug / 8. Chic Layered Stone Necklace / 9. $50 Cash

The prize I chose to give away is the Layered Stone Necklace from Forever 21. Can't ever go wrong adding a cute statement necklace to an outfit! And since I'm basically loving all of the necklaces Forever 21 has right now, I finally was able to narrow it down to one that I thought would be a good fit for everyone. And it's in mint. Cause obviously that's a great color :)

Enter for your chance to win the necklace and the rest of the prizes with the Rafflecopter widget below

Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

choosing joy

I actually had a different idea of where this post was going to go before I wrote it. And then as I kept writing and the words came out this is what I ended up with. So... there's that. 

It is no secret to most people that know me, including blog readers, that parenting a toddler like Elijah {and in particular a toddler who is Elijah} comes with its many challenges and difficulties. 

I can honestly say that even though I love my son more than anything in this world and would die if anything ever happened to him, I still have my fair share of days where I think, "I really wish I didn't have to deal with this right now..." 

This last year was probably one of the most difficult. 

Though it has always felt like we have had some difficulties in this parenting process 

[i.e. never sleeping, nursing problems, colic, ridiculous amounts of tantrums...], 

it felt like this last year was a perfect storm of toddler behavior problems. 

With Adam gone most days at school, it was up to me to deal with Elijah's tantrums day in and day out. 

I never wanted to leave the house. 

I called or texted Adam at school in tears swearing up and down that I hated motherhood. 

I was screamed at, kicked, and spat on while at the grocery store. 

(And Elijah only saved these wonderful mood disorders for me, Adam never witnessed such torment.)

So needless to say, the age range between 2 and 3 has not been my favorite. 

I can't pinpoint the exact moment but this last spring/summer something inside me just kind of clicked. 

I was spending so much time feeling miserable and dreading basic motherhood tasks for fear of unleashing the little E giant, that I was not allowing myself to fully obtain the joy of motherhood. 

The joy that I knew I should be feeling but sometimes didn't. 

{so then guilt guilt guilt leading to despair despair despair leading to feelings of worthlessness leading to not want to try anymore leading to more guilt guilt guilt for not trying leading to despair despair despair....} 

One day though something just hit me upside the head and made me see what I was doing to myself. 

I was allowing myself to feel this way. 

I was the one getting frustrated and feeling sorry. 

I was the one looking for something or someone to blame. 

I was the one choosing not to make changes. 

Of course parenting is hard. Duh! 

But I was making it 100x more difficult when I was choosing to feel so my self-pity. 

Of course toddlers are difficult. 

[And of course my toddler would be even more difficult because he is my son after all.]

But I was making him out to be worse than he really was because I wasn't taking responsibility for my own actions as his mother. 

So I have tried really really hard to change these last couple of months. 

I have tried to be more present and actively participate during playtime. 

I have tried to come up with new activities he can do besides watching Mickey Mouse for 3 hours. 

I have actually tried to take him places {this is a HUGE one for me!} and let him experience things. 

I have tried to use more love instead of anger when dealing with tantrums. [something I'm still working on.] 

And I have tried really hard to give up my image & expectation of a perfect anything and to focus more on the individual needs of my own little boy who does not fit into the perfect little categories of the perfect little parenting books. {cause what kid really does??} 

Let me tell you something:
That is how I have learned to find joy in motherhood.  

toddlerhood and all.

I can control my feelings 

I can control my attitude 

I can control my actions

all this equals 

I can find happiness in the rolling-on-the-floor tantrums.  

difference.made.

painful insecurities [and overcoming them]

*warning: some very unflattering photos of me straight ahead. i would never show the world these pictures if i didn't fully believe in this product with all my heart. 

skirt: c/o Modest Pop [similar] // top: Target, clearance // belt: thrifted // sandals: BYU Bookstore // bra: c/o Braologie // necklace: Cookie Lee

i have always, always struggled with my body image. 

i can specifically remember when i first started noticing all the flaws in my body, the first time i started nit picking everything about myself and what was wrong with me. 

it was in the 4th grade. and i was insanely embarrassed about my legs. 

i hated wearing shorts above my knees because that meant you could see my thighs, 

and that thought sent me into waves of turmoil.

as i got older, the self-conscious thoughts just continued to escalate. 

i was a bony girl, which meant i didn't have those sexy curves that all my friends started getting as they entered their teenage years. 

i hated it. i felt so ugly, so undesirable. 

eventually i finally grew some sort of chest that helped me {barely} graduate from training bras. but i still felt so.... unwomanly. 

i would layer bras and undershirts just to give me more padding. 

and it would work for the most part. i mean, it did its job at hiding my insecurities under the layers of cotton. 

but that doesn't mean those insecurities ever left. 

fast forward a few college years and the birth of a baby and my self consciousness about my body rivaled the sad, pathetic feelings from my teenage years. 

here i was, standing inside Motherhood Maternity, full from needing to feed Elijah, and being told i wouldn't fit their smallest size bra. 

you know those stories about women saying they quadrupled in size when they were pregnant & nursing? i shrunk. 

after i was done nursing Elijah, my chest was so flat that i didn't need to wear a bra at all. 

the only reason i even did wear one was so i didn't look like a 10-year-old girl carrying a baby. 

my insecurity about my body affected everything and everyone around me. 

already suffering from body image issues from the post-partum weight, this just piled more problems on top of that. 

not to mention all the feelings of anxiety & depression i was dealing with after having a baby.

i hated myself. i hated my body. 

i didn't feel comfortable enough in my own skin to even let Adam get close to me. 

i couldn't believe that a great guy like him could ever like me, let alone be attracted to me, and many times i would just start crying from being so overwhelmed by it all. 

so all this, 

all this turmoil & frustration & shameful insecurity, 

all this has been going on for a goooood while. 

the last three years being the worst of it. 

and it wasn't until recently that i finally started seeing the light. 

what changed? 

MY BRA!! 

i never, ever, would have thought a bra could make that big of difference in how i looked 

and {more importantly} how i felt about myself. 

but that's because i haven't been wearing the right one after all these years. 

80% of women are wearing the wrong bra. 

and most women don't realize that the bra they have been wearing has brought them back & shoulder pain as well as poor posture and migrated breast tissues at the back/armpits. 

{i didn't even know migrated breast tissues was a problem but i totally see the difference now!}

Braologie is out to change all that! 

they have created their own line of products that specializes in correcting a woman's posture and body shape through their revolutionary bra fitting technique. 

you can feel and see the difference instantly! 

i was able to test out the Posture-Contour Bra & Mini Vest. 

at first, the bra and vest were pretty uncomfortable and i didn't really jump on board right away. 

though, i really liked the push-up feature :)

but it didn't feel the best as the bra & vest worked to improve my posture. 

i kept with it though and in no time i saw & felt a huge difference. 

i told Adam, "I FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN!" 

and i finally started to like my own body shape a little more. 

i even felt {dare i say} sexier!

the people over at Braologie [namely Tallia, we got close :)] are wonderful to work with and really go out of their way to give you the best experience possible. 

i sent in my pictures and measurements to get fitted for a bra and they took the time to make sure i got the best product for me. 

they even gave me post-fitting advice to make sure i was wearing the bra correctly which helped tremendously since i needed to make some adjustments to help with the fit. 

and Braologie offers free fitting advice even if you don't purchase one of their products. 

their biggest goal is to educate women who have been wearing ill-fitting bras and have body & posture issues. their bra-gurus will help give advice on your current bra, understand what can be done to get a better fit, and help improve the comfort of the fitting and overall posture. 

i truly, truly, LOVE my Braologie bra and cannot stress that enough. 

since switching, i have more confidence in myself and my body, with and without the bra.

i know it can seem like such a vain thing, but how you see yourself does make a huge difference in how you feel overall. 

and i can honestly say that even though i still may not look like a Victoria's Secret model, i'm more accepting of my body and feel much more confident. 

i mean... it only took 25 years! 

be sure to check out Braologie on their 

blog 

Facebook page 

& Twitter 

DISCOUNT:: to help more women get the best fit & support in their lingerie, Braologie is offering all Mrs. Robinson Readers $15 off all products from their online store with the code megancamille. code expires June 6th, 2013.

[how to input the coupon code: when checking out, the site directs you to PayPal right away to collect your shipping and billing address. after that, you will return to Shopify where you will pick a shipping rage & type in the discount code. the price is updated accordingly and, on that same page, you will be able to finalize your transaction.]

[i also want to say, for the record here, that i have gone to other places to get fitted like Victoria's Secret and they all have told me the same thing: they didn't have anything that would actually fit me. i tried their bras anyways because i was desperate but after wearing the Braologie bra now i realize how bad they were for me. Braologie has been the first company ever to actually cater to my needs and size. serious.]

the {un}natural mother

these pictures were too sweet not to share :)

when i was younger, i would come home from rough babysitting nights and tell my mom,
"i don't think i'm cut out to be a mom."

she reassured me that when it's your own kids it would be totally different. 

you would love them and care for them so much, and they you, that it wouldn't be as hard. 

i have heard many many times that motherhood is an innate "skill" that women have, 

that we are blessed with this amazing natural ability to take care of children. 

and that motherhood would be the "crowning jewel" of our existence, 

a blessing that surpasses any other. 

i believe this, 

or at least i want to believe this. 
{help thou my unbelief}

however, i feel like, in a way, i haven't been told the whole truth. 

though my love for Elijah is greater than anything i have ever felt, 

even when he's being awful beyond awful most days and i want to cry & scream & never leave my bed, the thought of life without him or ever losing him just takes my breath away. 

he is my greatest creation.

{well most parts of him... i'm not proud of his sassy, disobedient side that i apparently also created... he's my son after all!}

but all those feelings don't make up for the fact that i feel absolutely out of my element most days. 

i don't naturally know how to calm tantrums, 

i don't naturally know how to teach a 3-year-old how to listen & obey {besides bribing with cookies}, 

i don't naturally know how/want to clean up poop & throw up on my carpets, 

i don't naturally know how to make a kid stick to a bedtime, 

i don't naturally know how to potty train
i don't naturally know how to have patience day in and day out
i don't naturally know how to maintain my energy levels all day long... 

i don't know anything!  

tantrums, potty training, poop... none of that falls into a "crowning jewel" experience to me. 

in fact, that's pretty much the lowest jewel i could think of.
not even a jewel. a piece of coal. 

i don't know how to handle all of that stuff. 

but then i realized this important fact that i seem to always forget about: 

everything worthwhile in life takes hard work. 

i've written {many} times on how marriage takes a lot of work.

that has probably come to be a pretty understood statement to everyone. 

but i didn't really transfer that mentality over to motherhood... 

just like we sometimes have too high expectations for marriage, i had too high expectations for becoming a mother. 

i thought everything would come to me easily, naturally, that it wasn't going to be that hard.
i honestly didn't think it would take that much work. 

i mean, work, yes, in the sense of keeping the house clean, changing diapers, making meals etc. etc.
but more the work of figuring out little boy's dispositions,
understanding how to heal boo-boos & hurt feelings,
knowing the best way to approach bad behavior,
learning to have patience during high emotional episodes,
figuring the different love languages of a toddler,
researching sleep training tips & discipline strategies...
just knowing how to raise a decent kind & loving human being! 

that takes work.
it takes more work than going through the motions every day.
it takes more emotional work, more spiritual work, more physical work, and more mental work than anything else i have done.
{except maybe marriage ;)}
{and i know it will get harder as Eli grows up and/or as we have more children.}

it doesn't all come naturally,
in fact, it takes conscious effort most days.

but my love for Elijah does come naturally.
my desire to care for him,
to see him happy,
to want what's best for him,
to help him reach his highest potential.
all of the love & compassion i have for Eli comes as naturally to me as i breathe in & out.

for all the moments that i wish i wasn't cleaning up throw up, that i feel like i'm completely out of sorts with anything related to being a mother, there are a million other moments that prove to me i do have some natural abilities, that i can do this.

and all that work,
all the frustration & pain & long nights...
like most hard things in life comes the beautiful blessings from it.

ten years

i originally wrote this as a post on After Nine to Five but after having the most frustrating 2 days potty training Elijah, all these thoughts of "seriously why is this my life??????" kept popping in my head.

as i was trying to clear my head & write a post for today, i came across this post. it really opened my eyes and snapped me out of my pitiful state. i CAN choose to be happy and find the good among the excessive bathroom breaks & messes. it's just hard to remember that sometimes. 
{so thank you past self for reminding me ;)}

-------------------------------------------------------------------

where do you see yourself in 10 years??

i always hated that question in school. you know when you meet your new teacher and in an effort to get to know each student they ask you a series of questions, one of the last always being "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

how do i know where i'm going to be in 10 years?? i mean, of course i had hopes and ambitions of where i wanted to be in 10 years. but i also knew that what i wanted for myself in that moment would probably change in the next weeks, months, or even in 10 years.

so i basically always put the generic answer,
"married with a couple of kids and doing something i love."
yep. pretty specific there, right?

but honestly i just really didn't know what i wanted. or what i knew i was going to want for a long time. my dreams kept changing. i kept changing.

now that i look back on my life and think about where i was 10 years ago, i don't think i ever would have imagined my life to be how it is now. not in a bad way, necessarily. just stating the fact.

there's been A LOT of ups and downs.
a lot of disappointments and triumphs.
a lot of tears and laughter.
a lot of dreams shattered and new ones blossomed.
a lot of unexpected twists and pleasant surprises.

i think a lot of our lives haven't gone exactly according to plan.
{and if you are one of the lucky ones where it has, then more power to you!}
i am sure a lot of us didn't write down in our "10 years" question, "in 10 years i will get married, have a miscarriage, my parents will divorce, lose a job, get on welfare, lose a friend, have a baby, and be in lots of debt."

um. no. cause no one thinks that will happen to them. we all want to hope for the best!

but when things take a wrong turn it can be hard to find that hope again.
it can be hard to remember what the whole point of the last few years was.

however, even when life seems to be going in the opposite direction of what we want,  there are always blessings to be counted. i know when my life may not seem like it didn't follow my specifications, it is probably because it is following someone else's. and i know that even with all the bad and unexpected, so much happiness can still be found.

no, my life is definitely not what i dreamed it would be 10 years ago.
there's lots of things i either wish i did or wish i never did. and there are many dreams that have had to be put on hold.

but i also know my life is full of love and fulfillment if i choose to look for it! 
there are also so many great things that i never would have chosen for myself.

on the days where i get really down, crying to my husband, "i never asked for this(!!!!)," i know that if i just remember to recognize the good among the unexpected, my life can become the one i wished for 10 years ago.

so where do you see yourself in 10 years? ;)

i always wanted to be a mother...

i always wanted to be a mother 

i always wanted to be able to take care of someone else, 

but i didn't realize how much i needed to be taken care of.

i always wanted to raise a child & watch them grow, teach them how to be the best they can be,

but i didn't know how much i needed to grow & constantly be pushed to be a better person.

i always wanted to be the one who can make someone else happy, be the reason why they giggle & smile all day long, 

but i didn't know how much i needed someone to make me the happiest i've ever felt. 

i always wanted to feel needed, to be relied upon for another,  

but i didn't know how much i needed to rely one someone else. 

i always wanted to make a positive influence in a little person's life, 

but i didn't know how much i needed to have that positive influence in my own life. 

i always wanted to be able to show care & affection to a precious spirit child of my own, 

but i didn't know how much i needed to have that care & affection reciprocated back. 

i always wanted to be looked up to, 

but i didn't know how much i needed to look up to a little someone else instead. 

i always wanted to be the one who comforts another, who kisses their boo-boos & mends their broken hearts, 

but i didn't know how much i needed comforting of my own. 

i always wanted to be able to feel powerful, overwhelming love for another, 

but i didn't know how much i needed to have that kind of love given back to me.

i always wanted to be a mother,

but i didn't realize how much i needed Elijah more than anything. 

"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones." 

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland 

from one of my absolute favorite talks

motherhood is the most challenging and most wonderful thing i have ever done in my life. 

it stretches me, humbles me, strengthens me, encourages me, and pushes me more than i could have ever imagined. 

it is not anything i expected. it's better in ways i can't describe. 

to the little boy that made me a mother, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

i love you with all my heart & more. i am a better person because of you, i am happier with you in my life, and i need you more than i think you need me. [well, emotionally. physically you need me more so i can feed you and stuff...]

there is no one else i would rather share this mothering journey with than you. 

i have waited so long for your sweet spirit to come into my life. 

Happy 3rd, little E-Rock!!

my drops of awesome

there is this really great article that has been circulating the interwebs that a few friends sent to me called Drops of Awesome. if you haven't read it to us, you need to. 

basically, the writer knows all my own, ugly thoughts about myself and it's like she's writing from my own journal. 

i'm sure most of us have those days where we feel like we aren't doing anything right. 

or when we are doing something right, we remind ourselves about when we messed up and it ruins our little bubble of confidence. 

{i mean, that's really not just me right?} 

as i have been thinking about this last day and week and beating myself up about how i can't handle my kid and i suck at motherhood, i was reminded again of this article. 

yeah, i'm not the best mom. or wife. or friend. 

and i don't say that to get pity. it's the truth. none of us are perfect. 

but i did get some awesome things done today. 

my Drops of Awesome for 3/25:

- i dusted and vacuumed the whole house, including underneath the couch cushions. 

- i made Elijah more than just dry cereal & chocolate milk for breakfast. 

- i cleaned {half} of the bathroom and the mirrors. 

- i ran [well, mostly walked] about 2 miles this morning. 

- i visited with a friend this afternoon and it was fun. 

- and i made us all lunch. 

- and Elijah ate his grapes. 

- i cleaned my room. 

- and cleaned the kitchen/did dishes.

- i didn't let Elijah watch TV all day {since we were visiting with a friend}.

- i actually got to shower without Elijah. AND he didn't get into the eggs while i was in the shower.

- i made dinner before 7.

- i painted more than 3 fingers.

- and i'm actually writing a blog post. 

none of this feels like much. 

especially when i still felt like half my day was spent with tears in my eyes out of frustration. 

but looking back, it helps me see that i'm not so crappy. 

and tomorrow is always another day. 

and i can get through it if i keep thinking of all the little things i am accomplishing. 

we all are better than we think we are!

so here's to another day and some more Drops of Awesome added to my bowl! 

and not looking backwards.

comfort zone

if you are stopping by from Sugar & Dots, welcome! 

i'm so glad you decided to pop over to my little blog. 

i hope you stick around a bit and we can get to know each other. 

you can also check out my "Start Here" button on the side bar to the left to read some of my favorite posts. 

thank you for coming over!

pictures taken when we went out shooting earlier this week

a mother's love is pretty incredible. 

there are moments where i can be sooooo frustrated with motherhood... 

and in that same day, i can get really emotional because i'm totally overcome with love for such a little person. the same little person that can go from 0-60 in .2 seconds. 

but he absolutely still has me wrapped around his chubby little finger.

being a mom, especially being Elijah's mom, has tested me in ways i've never experienced before. 

when i thought about the day i would become a mom, i honestly thought it would be a piece.of.cake. 

i loved children and loved taking care of them. 

and because i loved being around kids so much, i would always try and babysit any chance i got and was great at it. i felt like it was my own calling. 

i just knew that someday i would be the best mom. 

all my theories were basically shattered when i actually became a mom. 

it hasn't been nearly as easy as i thought, no matter how many times my mom would tell me after a hard babysitting experience, "when you have your own kids it will be so much easier." 

false. i felt like it was easier being the babysitter. 

these last few weeks have been particularly hard. 

there are moments where i'm pretty convinced that i actually wasn't meant to be a mother, 

that this was definitely not my calling in life, 

and that i will never be trusted with another child because i'm failing so much with my first. 

{i know. dramatic...} 

after talking to a friend tonight and sharing some of my deepest fears that i was afraid to ever say out loud, i realized that i'm actually not alone. 

motherhood is hard for a lot of us. 

there's a lot of times that us mothers probably don't feel adequate enough for our perfect little babes. 

they try us and test us and push us to our limits. 

and we are just doing our best to stay ahead of the game. 

the phrase that kept coming to my mind was "being out of my comfort zone." 

i feel like that accurately describes parenthood for me most days. 

i'm not used to toddler tantrums and potty training and children running away and refusing meals. 

when i babysat i was always able to go home afterwards, i wasn't really there for every moment.

but motherhood... motherhood you are there for every little second, good & bad, and it's a huge, continual learning process. 

no matter how overwhelmed i get though with this whole process, i can take one look at Elijah and my heart bursts into a million pieces. 

he pushes my buttons, but he also pushes me to be the best person i can be. 

he frustrates me, but he also motivates me to live up to my potential. 

he annoys me at times, but he also makes me feel an incredible sense of love just by one kiss, hug, or cuddle. 

i know i'm completely & utterly out of my comfort zone with this whole mothering thing. 

but i know if i can at least still feel all that love, and give that love back in return, then i have to be doing something right. 

right? 

i can increase my comfort zones. 

and i will be able to look back and think all the struggling was worth it because not only would i have raised a great kid, but i would have become a better person through it all. 

forgiving myself

Source: etsy.com via Megan on Pinterest

i am extremely hard on myself

extremely hard on myself.

i beat myself up for every little thing. 

i beat myself up for things that happened years and years ago! 

i remember telling my counselor,
"i am jealous when i hear people say, 'live without regrets! i don't have regrets because there's a reason for everything.' but i truly regret so many things. 

am i just a bad person?"

i honestly think about my past mistakes/embarrassments/regrets/stupid decisions more than anyone should. {which really, just one time focusing on your past mistakes is too much} 

i regret not spending more time with my grandma before she passed, even just calling her on the phone 

i regret being rude to my roommates in college, i was a terrible friend to them 

i regret not writing my friend on her mission more, or any of my friends on their missions 

i regret being rude to Adam when he first tried to date me 

i regret being mean to a girl in my class in 5th grade cause i felt stuck with her (and any other kids i was mean to in school, it still haunts me) 

i regret not staying in touch with my friends 

i regret how i acted when i first moved to Illinois in high school 

i regret having boyfriends and being obsessed with boys 

i regret not taking Elijah to the park more often 

i regret getting in that fight with Adam last week 

i regret not helping out a friend more when they were in need 

i regret not calling my friend back last week

i regret being extremely rude to a friend that lived with us for a few months

i regret having a mental and emotional breakdown that landed me in therapy 

i regret not sticking up for people more 

i regret how rude i was to my music teacher.... 

i have pages and pages and pages i could add to this list. 
[some too personal or hurtful to share.]

when i start getting really down on myself, or if i feel like i made a mistake, i start thinking about all the mistakes i've made and feel like it all equals: 

"Megan, you are a terrible person!" 

i cannot begin to describe how debilitating this is. and this is something i have done my entire life. 

only now have i realized how damaging it really is, 

only now am i finally admitting i have a problem.

Source: herewecollide.com via Joyce on Pinterest

i have tried to talk it out a lot with Adam and other loved ones. 

i have written many apology letters and emails to people hoping it will ease some of my guilt. 

and even with their forgiveness, i still have a hard time actually forgiving myself.  

yes, most of these mistakes i was just a dumb kid. 

but to me, that's not an excuse. 

i knew better and made poor decisions. 

forgiving myself. 

letting go. 

moving on from the past.

one of the hardest things for me to do. 

i know this will be something that i constantly have to be aware of. 

this is something i knowingly struggle with and i will have to catch myself before i go down all that
"i-regret-everything-and-am-a-terrible-person" thought process again. 

and i know that when i can truly, finally, let go of the pain i inflict on myself, 

when i learn to forgive myself of things that are over and done with, 

and see that i am a better person than i once was, 

i will be able to open myself up to even more happiness in my life.

and we are meant to be happy in this life, not miserable and guilt-ridden. 

that's the promise i hold onto.

Source: polish-my-crown.com via Christelle on Pinterest

parenting truths

this clip pretty much sums up parenting perfectly.

it is the best definition i have heard so far.

guys. parenting is rough bizness. 

[business for those who wonder about my English skillz]

and if you ever meet anyone who seems like they got it all under control, don't let them fool you. 

either they're just straight up crazy too so kids don't scare them, 

they are getting lots of help, 

or they're not telling the whole truth. 

like this week for example. 

Elijah is being all cute and we're playing nicely and he's cuddling and is so sweet... 

then in a split second he turns to me and bites me as hard as he can on my leg. 

{like breaking skin/left a bruise hard.}

then he says he's sorry and he's all nice and sweet and wants me to sings songs to him... 

then he throws a book at my face and screams at the top of his lungs because i was sitting in his spot.
and another time were being all crafty and creative and making memories...
then he dumps the paint water all over the chairs and carpet for no reason other than he just can.

seriously. 

this is how every single day of my life goes.

i see other mothers and hear them rave about the joys of parenting,
how they wouldn't want to be anywhere else during the day,
how sweet & charming their children are,
how every day is just magical and filled with rainbows & unicorns.

and i'm thinking...
i could name off a million things i would rather do than get punched in the face and deal with the chocolate milk meltdowns of a raging two-year-old.
and where the heck are my rainbows?? everything is all drab & dreary 'round these parts.

i know it all goes back to my tendency to compare,
i compare other mothers' Facebook statuses and Instagram updates taking it for reality when in fact they are just posting a tiny portion of their day.

i specifically voiced all these concerns to my counselor, telling him how i feel like a failure of a mother because i don't like every second i spend with Elijah, which i felt was contrary to what others had taught me to believe about parenthood.
you know what he said?
"Megan, no one actually has days like that. And the ones who are saying that are either lying to themselves or taking lots of meds to help them deal with it."

obviously he was {mostly} being sarcastic,
[and there's absolutely nothing wrong with medication]
but it helped me really see things in a better perspective. and learn to be honest with my feelings.

i'm not going to like Elijah every single second of every single day.
who would like anyone who is screaming and bullying them?
no one. and that's normal.

and it's normal to admit that there are some moments in parenting that are just awful.
like when a kid throws a remote at your friend's face
or wakes up at 2am
or breaks all the DVDs
or grabs poop off the ground.
[Elijah totally did that! it was disgusting and disturbing and he didn't even care]
all of that stuff is.not.fun.
and it's okay to say that!

because even though you don't always like the things they do, you still love them. 
at the end of the day, they are still the sweetest, cutest, and cuddliest.
and they are really just the best little human beings when they want to be.
you learn to live for the little moments that help you to see their sweet spirits inside.

[right before he bit me. he looks sooooo innocent....]

that's what makes parenting awesome.
that's what makes it magical.
and that's what makes every day worth it.

i will never celebrate macaroni being thrown on the floor.
but i will always celebrate the time i had with Elijah & the true love we share.
[cause boys hit girls they like right?]

and for the record, sometimes i actually do like when Elijah wakes up at 2am. then he's super cuddly and sleepy so it's kind of the best. until he turns 2am into 4am then the novelty wears off :)

my disease

i have a sickness that i'm sure thousands of other people, especially women, suffer from.

it is debilitating. 

it is extremely harmful to my body & mind. 

and if left untreated, it can make life not worth living. 

this disease is "i'm-not-good-enough-otosis" 
or otherwise known as "always-comparing-ititis"

[also, i watch Doc McStuffins with Elijah and got good at making up words :)]

this is something i have always struggled with. 

whenever i get in a bad place, the first thing to blame is that i'm comparing... again. 

it has put a wedge in my friendships, in my relationships, in my parenting, and in my marriage. 

when i first started to go to therapy, the first thing i told my counselor was,

"i have a blessed life. but i don't know how to be happy in it."

the problem was i saw so many of my friends going on trips, moving into houses, having cutest/most fashionable clothes, buying the newest gadgets & products, looking way more beautiful, more talented, more crafty, more likeable.... 

do you see where i'm going with this? 

i could keep going. 

Adam is well aware of this problem. he {unfortunately} has to call me out on it often. 

i know it's tiring for him. 

it's tiring for me. 

but they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. 

and thankfully a year and half ago i was able to do so in a safe environment. 

ever since i have realized that i have this disease

{and it really is a disease}
{and it unfortunately took me some time to finally admit that i even had it},
i have had to constantly make conscious decisions to avoid things that would make my comparing worse. or actively seek out situations that will help me feel more worthwhile.

with the help of my counselors & my loving husband, i have tried to make a list of {mostly} fail-proof ways to combat the sickness that is comparison-ocosis:

-i try to limit social media, 

-i limit some of the blogs i read, 

-i try to focus on & remember my blessings daily,

-i surround myself with people that are supportive & understanding, 

-i try to focus on things that i love, not trends that will pass away {definitely can be hard. but worth it}, 

-and instead of feeling sorry for myself, i try to actually improve on the things that i may not like. 

it is a work in progress. 

every.single.day.of.my.existence. 

but i know that if i want to be happy, truly & wonderfully happy, this is the first thing that must go. 

and eventually, practice will make perfect, right? 

or at least soon there will be a more permanent cure.

[it's called higher self esteem :)]

"O, God, Where Art Thou?"

i, like most people, am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened in Connecticut on Friday. how could this happen to such precious, innocent children? 

how could someone ever think, let alone do, such a horrendous thing? 

i remember when i was younger asking my parents, "If God loves us so much, why does he let bad things happen to good {and innocent} people?" 

no matter how many times i hear someone try to answer that question, it still leaves me a little confused/frustrated/heartbroken... i mean you hear of miracles happening all.the.time where someone or something was stopped from hurting another. so why do those miracles only seem to happen sometimes in what seems like smaller situations and not in more traumatic incidences? 

why are tragedies allowed to happen? 

i still don't know. and i'm quite certain i never will. or at least i'll never be able to understand in this life.

but even though i may not know exactly why things are the way they are, i have found peace in the words of Christ which help strengthen my testimony and comfort me in times of sadness.

these are just a few scriptures that came to mind after the events on Friday [after i had time to calm down a little bit...]

"1. O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? ....
7. My son [and daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thing adversity and thing afflictions shall be but a small moment," Doctrine & Covenants 121:1-7, emphasis added  

"21. [...] And he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
22. And when he had done this he wept again;
23. And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones." 3 Nephi 17:21-23, emphasis added  

"10. And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames.
11. But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory..." Alma 14:10-11, emphasis added 

:: i know that through all the horrible things in the world, the Lord is always there to help comfort & heal those who are going through hard times.
:: i know He and His angels were with those children and teachers in Connecticut
:: i know He welcomed those innocent victims with loving & open arms
:: i know He will help us through all the tests & trials that we face, no matter how hard they may be. He will be there to the very end, even if the very end is seeing Him face to face.
:: and i know we can live with Him and all of our loved ones again.

"All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. but because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that 'God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.' 

President Brigham Young offered this profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said: 'Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. ... Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.'" -President James E. Faust, The Healing Power of Forgiveness 

i pray that the families involved in the Connecticut shooting can feel the Lord's love in their lives and be comforted during this horrific time. i pray that we can all come together, no matter our faith or beliefs, to buoy them up in strength and in love. and i pray that all of us who are going through our own trials can feel at peace and continue to have hope in all things.