forgiving myself

Source: via Megan on Pinterest

i am extremely hard on myself
extremely hard on myself.
i beat myself up for every little thing. 
i beat myself up for things that happened years and years ago! 

i remember telling my counselor,
"i am jealous when i hear people say, 'live without regrets! i don't have regrets because there's a reason for everything.' but i truly regret so many things. 
am i just a bad person?"

i honestly think about my past mistakes/embarrassments/regrets/stupid decisions more than anyone should. {which really, just one time focusing on your past mistakes is too much} 
i regret not spending more time with my grandma before she passed, even just calling her on the phone 
i regret being rude to my roommates in college, i was a terrible friend to them 
i regret not writing my friend on her mission more, or any of my friends on their missions 
i regret being rude to Adam when he first tried to date me 
i regret being mean to a girl in my class in 5th grade cause i felt stuck with her (and any other kids i was mean to in school, it still haunts me) 
i regret not staying in touch with my friends 
i regret how i acted when i first moved to Illinois in high school 
i regret having boyfriends and being obsessed with boys 
i regret not taking Elijah to the park more often 
i regret getting in that fight with Adam last week 
i regret not helping out a friend more when they were in need 
i regret not calling my friend back last week
i regret being extremely rude to a friend that lived with us for a few months
i regret having a mental and emotional breakdown that landed me in therapy 
i regret not sticking up for people more 
i regret how rude i was to my music teacher.... 

i have pages and pages and pages i could add to this list. 
[some too personal or hurtful to share.]

when i start getting really down on myself, or if i feel like i made a mistake, i start thinking about all the mistakes i've made and feel like it all equals: 
"Megan, you are a terrible person!" 

i cannot begin to describe how debilitating this is. and this is something i have done my entire life. 
only now have i realized how damaging it really is, 
only now am i finally admitting i have a problem.

Source: via Joyce on Pinterest

i have tried to talk it out a lot with Adam and other loved ones. 
i have written many apology letters and emails to people hoping it will ease some of my guilt. 
and even with their forgiveness, i still have a hard time actually forgiving myself.  

yes, most of these mistakes i was just a dumb kid. 
but to me, that's not an excuse. 
i knew better and made poor decisions. 

forgiving myself. 
letting go. 
moving on from the past.
one of the hardest things for me to do. 

i know this will be something that i constantly have to be aware of. 
this is something i knowingly struggle with and i will have to catch myself before i go down all that
"i-regret-everything-and-am-a-terrible-person" thought process again. 
and i know that when i can truly, finally, let go of the pain i inflict on myself, 
when i learn to forgive myself of things that are over and done with, 
and see that i am a better person than i once was, 
i will be able to open myself up to even more happiness in my life.

and we are meant to be happy in this life, not miserable and guilt-ridden. 
that's the promise i hold onto.


Brittany Michelle said...

You always write the greatest posts! Also I am loving the new layout and design! <3

Brittany Michelle

Lex said...

I love your honesty, your straightforwardness, and appreciate your heart in this post.

Rebecca @ Frugal Fashion Mommy said...

I absolutely love this post and your honesty. I too am guilty of doing this, where I continuously attack myself for the things that I have done wrong in the past. It's a work in progress but I am trying to be better about it. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly!


Alexis Kaye said...

You are much harder on yourself than you deserve. You really are such a sweet person!

That being said, I totally understand. When people have criticized me I play it over and over in my head years and years down the line. For example, there was this one time I was in the drive through at the pharmacy. There are two lines and I went to the one on the right which happened to go faster. When the pharmasict came to help me the lady on the left whose line was moving slower started SCREAMING at me about how I cut her and I'm a bad person....I think about it ALL the time. I have such a hard time letting things like that go. I think we have different things we don't let go, but I feel you on having a hard time letting things go. It's like your mind is your worst enemy and you go in circles and circles and get madder and madder at yourself.'s so silly.

Love you!

Della Marie said...

I really needed this today. Thanks for your honesty. It's easy for me to convince myself that no one else struggles the way that I do. That I'm alone. It is very reassuring to know that others experience self loathing and guilt about things that other's don't think twice about, but they manage to find ways to work through it. That is hopeful. I've been following for a while, and I have been impressed by your authenticity and ability to share such personal experiences with so much dignity.

nate and amy crandell said...

What a GREAT blog. Love the new design look! And thank you for this post, so beautifully written :)

Unknown said...

I think you speak for many of us, here.
I believe that the reason why it's so hard to forgive ourselves is the fact that we hurt too.
I think the realization of our actions is what upsets us most. The whys seem so petty when looking at the whole spectrum of the situation.
I think that accepting our faults is just the beginning...we are sometimes unable to forgive ourselves for being human.

It is so easy to let our emotions dictate our actions, we might feel justified at the time, but that lingering feeling of "It's not right" is what does it. Hope that makes sense :]

Keep your head up girl, you just helped me keep mine up ;]

Stacey said...

I think you are awesome, and every time I read your blog I just keep finding more and more similarities between you and me, which means you are not alone on this! Thinking of you, and praying that we can both rise above these guilt-ridden thoughts.

Stephanie Perkins said...

Your pretty awesome! And I love reading your posts. I struggled for the longest time replaying moments of embarrassing times in my life over and over again. It's always nice to know though we may not be the exact same that theres others who struggle and are open about it. This is me stepping out of my box...Lets be friends :)

Aubrey said...

why is this so so hard to do? i can easily give other people excuses for just about anything, but when it comes to myself basically no excuse is acceptable.

Lauren Cooper said...

So I just found your blog somehow tonight...and started looking back on all your posts and came across this one... this is EXACTLY how I have been feeling today...thinking about one regret that just hurled me down a whole spiral of regrets. thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. so glad I looked at your blog! :)