forgiving myself

Source: etsy.com via Megan on Pinterest

i am extremely hard on myself

extremely hard on myself.

i beat myself up for every little thing. 

i beat myself up for things that happened years and years ago! 

i remember telling my counselor,
"i am jealous when i hear people say, 'live without regrets! i don't have regrets because there's a reason for everything.' but i truly regret so many things. 

am i just a bad person?"

i honestly think about my past mistakes/embarrassments/regrets/stupid decisions more than anyone should. {which really, just one time focusing on your past mistakes is too much} 

i regret not spending more time with my grandma before she passed, even just calling her on the phone 

i regret being rude to my roommates in college, i was a terrible friend to them 

i regret not writing my friend on her mission more, or any of my friends on their missions 

i regret being rude to Adam when he first tried to date me 

i regret being mean to a girl in my class in 5th grade cause i felt stuck with her (and any other kids i was mean to in school, it still haunts me) 

i regret not staying in touch with my friends 

i regret how i acted when i first moved to Illinois in high school 

i regret having boyfriends and being obsessed with boys 

i regret not taking Elijah to the park more often 

i regret getting in that fight with Adam last week 

i regret not helping out a friend more when they were in need 

i regret not calling my friend back last week

i regret being extremely rude to a friend that lived with us for a few months

i regret having a mental and emotional breakdown that landed me in therapy 

i regret not sticking up for people more 

i regret how rude i was to my music teacher.... 

i have pages and pages and pages i could add to this list. 
[some too personal or hurtful to share.]

when i start getting really down on myself, or if i feel like i made a mistake, i start thinking about all the mistakes i've made and feel like it all equals: 

"Megan, you are a terrible person!" 

i cannot begin to describe how debilitating this is. and this is something i have done my entire life. 

only now have i realized how damaging it really is, 

only now am i finally admitting i have a problem.

Source: herewecollide.com via Joyce on Pinterest

i have tried to talk it out a lot with Adam and other loved ones. 

i have written many apology letters and emails to people hoping it will ease some of my guilt. 

and even with their forgiveness, i still have a hard time actually forgiving myself.  

yes, most of these mistakes i was just a dumb kid. 

but to me, that's not an excuse. 

i knew better and made poor decisions. 

forgiving myself. 

letting go. 

moving on from the past.

one of the hardest things for me to do. 

i know this will be something that i constantly have to be aware of. 

this is something i knowingly struggle with and i will have to catch myself before i go down all that
"i-regret-everything-and-am-a-terrible-person" thought process again. 

and i know that when i can truly, finally, let go of the pain i inflict on myself, 

when i learn to forgive myself of things that are over and done with, 

and see that i am a better person than i once was, 

i will be able to open myself up to even more happiness in my life.

and we are meant to be happy in this life, not miserable and guilt-ridden. 

that's the promise i hold onto.

Source: polish-my-crown.com via Christelle on Pinterest