how i threatened divorce

February 7th to 14th is National Marriage Week. to celebrate, i will be sharing some thoughts and stories about marriage to help encourage you to strengthen your own relationships. i hope these posts will help you nurture your own relationship and rekindle the love you have for one another. you can also link up your marriage posts below to help celebrate this week.
our wedding rings. photo taken by Kate Lines Photography.
i got married with the possibility of the divorce in the back of my head. 
the day of the wedding, as i waited anxiously for the ceremony to start, i told myself it was okay to be scared and nervous. 
i could always leave if i was unhappy. 

after all the classes i took 
after all the books & articles i read 
after all talks i listened to {both from general authorities and prestigious academics} 
which all taught to never say the "D" word if you want a happy marriage, 
i still told myself after especially rough fights {that i'm sure we've all had} that marriage doesn't have to last forever if you didn't want it to, i could always leave. 

before i go on, let me first tell you that Adam is a really good guy
like, really really good. 
i don't deserve him for many reasons and i'm reminded of his goodness every day. 
he's truly my better half in every sense of the phrase. 
he is not abusive in any way, he doesn't have any harmful addictions, he doesn't yell, he has never been unfaithful, he is incredibly supportive & loving, calm & patient, he's never intentionally hurt me... 
he is everything a husband should be and has never given me real reason to divorce him. ever
{just want to clear that up before anyone worries for me throughout the rest of this post :)}

i have always known Adam was a good guy. 
that's why i fell in love with him and wanted to marry him. 
he completed me. 

having the idea of divorce in the back of my mind [when it wasn't warranted] made it hard for my relationship to really flourish. in fact, it threatened my marriage more than any disagreements we had.
but my fighting style was still so immature that whenever i got offended over even the tiniest things, i immediately thought to myself, "well i don't have to take this, i can just leave." 

when we fought i didn't have the courage to work through it. 
i told myself fighting equals incompatibility, i told myself we were never meant to be together. 
even though i knew all couples fought and no one was perfect, for some reason i took our disagreements more personally. 
other people didn't seem to have as many problems as we did, we should just end it because we would then be "happier."
[in quotes because really that was a lie, i woud be miserable without Adam] 

if i got really mad about something, i threatened to leave. 
instead of talking things out, i said i was done. 
this meant i forced Adam to have to beg for mercy and forgiveness, even when i was clearly the one who was wrong. 

Adam finally called me out on it, saying that giving those ultimatums were doing no good
there's no where to go from there! 
there's nothing to say once you threaten the worst possible thing, it's not a fair fight.
there's no room for conversation or compromise. 
it's a dead end. 

instead the problem gets swept under the proverbial rug with all the other issues that never were completely resolved, waiting to just bust free again and start the cycle all over. 
{not ideal} 

marriage is a lot of work, just like most good, worthwhile things in life.
it takes a lot of time and effort and patience and love and compassion and understanding,
problems aren't always solved in one conversation.
but you have to be willing to work our your differences instead of walking away from the problem. 
really fight for your marriage. 

i can honestly tell you now, after lots of hard work and love, marriage really is a good thing
and i hope to stay married for a long time. 



Maggie B. said...

Thanks so much for sharing. This sounds just like how I used to act with my husband Michael. When he was out of work for 2 years (and even before) when I would get so stressed I was at melt down stage, I would pack a bag and tell him I was leaving.

And then, I truly believe, the holy spirit woke me up and said "do you really want to do this alone?" to which I realized the answer was no.

Michael and I still fight, of course, but I never ever ever consider leaving. Well, not for longer then a minute or two to stomp my feet outside and act childish.

katilda said...

The image with the jelly beans is so lovely! And I love this post. I admire your ability to be so honest and raw on your blog. I have been meaning to do more of that.

Kelsey Eaton said...

What a powerful story. Thanks so much for sharing. I think putting everything else aside and focusing on working hard to make things work is so important!

Stephanie said...

I just recently got engaged (like a month ago) so this was really nice to read. I love hearing the perspective of couples who are still fairly new to marriage and figuring it out. Of course, advice from those in long-term marriages is helpful too but hearing from people in our age range with a newish marriage similar to where we'll soon be is so invaluable. Thanks for sharing.


Abby (Diligent Joy) said...

Ah Megan. This is a really good post. Thanks for the honesty.

Anonymous said...

honest talk woa feels good.
not married but dating for 7 years the same person, for me I no longer work on my couple, we are just naturally adjusted and thats very comfie (because I guess the second year of our relationship I ended up in intensive care units so now we both have a faculty to step back). But like you say its not all pink. My hardest fight is on cheating, i have never done it but sometimes missing to be seduced, and its so easy home I need challenge and hard sex with some strangers ! Thats human I guess, so my fight is to let this remain a fantaisy and nothing else because I want to stay engaged and faithfull til death takes us apart, for good this time !


April Grant said...

Sounds like my friend who did the same thing and her husband had the same reaction. I learned from her mistakes (I still make plenty of my own). I'm glad that you are happy and you learned from your mistakes.

April @