comfort zone

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pictures taken when we went out shooting earlier this week

a mother's love is pretty incredible. 

there are moments where i can be sooooo frustrated with motherhood... 

and in that same day, i can get really emotional because i'm totally overcome with love for such a little person. the same little person that can go from 0-60 in .2 seconds. 

but he absolutely still has me wrapped around his chubby little finger.

being a mom, especially being Elijah's mom, has tested me in ways i've never experienced before. 

when i thought about the day i would become a mom, i honestly thought it would be a piece.of.cake. 

i loved children and loved taking care of them. 

and because i loved being around kids so much, i would always try and babysit any chance i got and was great at it. i felt like it was my own calling. 

i just knew that someday i would be the best mom. 

all my theories were basically shattered when i actually became a mom. 

it hasn't been nearly as easy as i thought, no matter how many times my mom would tell me after a hard babysitting experience, "when you have your own kids it will be so much easier." 

false. i felt like it was easier being the babysitter. 

these last few weeks have been particularly hard. 

there are moments where i'm pretty convinced that i actually wasn't meant to be a mother, 

that this was definitely not my calling in life, 

and that i will never be trusted with another child because i'm failing so much with my first. 

{i know. dramatic...} 

after talking to a friend tonight and sharing some of my deepest fears that i was afraid to ever say out loud, i realized that i'm actually not alone. 

motherhood is hard for a lot of us. 

there's a lot of times that us mothers probably don't feel adequate enough for our perfect little babes. 

they try us and test us and push us to our limits. 

and we are just doing our best to stay ahead of the game. 

the phrase that kept coming to my mind was "being out of my comfort zone." 

i feel like that accurately describes parenthood for me most days. 

i'm not used to toddler tantrums and potty training and children running away and refusing meals. 

when i babysat i was always able to go home afterwards, i wasn't really there for every moment.

but motherhood... motherhood you are there for every little second, good & bad, and it's a huge, continual learning process. 

no matter how overwhelmed i get though with this whole process, i can take one look at Elijah and my heart bursts into a million pieces. 

he pushes my buttons, but he also pushes me to be the best person i can be. 

he frustrates me, but he also motivates me to live up to my potential. 

he annoys me at times, but he also makes me feel an incredible sense of love just by one kiss, hug, or cuddle. 

i know i'm completely & utterly out of my comfort zone with this whole mothering thing. 

but i know if i can at least still feel all that love, and give that love back in return, then i have to be doing something right. 

right? 

i can increase my comfort zones. 

and i will be able to look back and think all the struggling was worth it because not only would i have raised a great kid, but i would have become a better person through it all.