megan camille: happyness

Showing posts with label happyness. Show all posts

in my dreams

Sometimes {oftentimes} I get really discouraged about things...

I get frustrated that all I do is stay home,

that I'm not using my degree in a career that I've always wanted,

that we are still students and will forever be students,

that I don't have XYZ like so-and-so does,

that I've washed the same dishes 183462 times and folded laundry 7289 more times,

that my life is just... plain.

disappointing?

not what I expected.

Then I have these moments of perfect clarity,

where all of a sudden I'm my past self peeking in the window of the present,

and I think

this is all I've ever wanted.

Growing up I imagined my handsome & loving husband coming home, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace and giving me a kiss on the cheek as I finish preparing dinner.

I thought of my sweet little children, playing and laughing all day as I got to stay home and make up stories with them.

I pictured going on family walks, holding the baby while my husband chased my older kids on their bikes.

I dreamt of a loving home, full of happiness & joy & chubby babies, and all of us coming together at then end of the day reading stories and giving piggy back rides to bed.

Throughout the years many of my goals & aspirations in life have changed.

My career goals have ranged from teacher to doctor to therapist to hair stylist and everywhere in between.

My dream home is continually evolving.

My likes, wants, desires are shifting daily.

But the one thing that has never, ever changed has been my dreams for my family.

And although there have been many unexpected things along the way,

many hard times and sorrows,

I look at my cute, sweet, perfect little family of four and think,

"This is what I've always dreamed of

and all that will ever matter."

I focus on my failures about 80-90% of the day.
I nitpick all the things I've done wrong that day and contemplate how many ways I'm ruining my kids.
I'm a bad mother I tell myself.
Not well-suited for this role.

Elijah has been my greatest challenge.
From the time he was an infant I have struggled with how best to rear up this precious child.
I judge my worth on how well he behaves and listens.
If he gets in trouble, it's my own fault.
My greatest challenge. And my greatest mercy.

There's a million things I don't understand about why I was chosen to be his mother.
A million things ways I know I'm screwing this up.
A millions ways I feel like I'm failing him.

There are also a million reasons why I know we were meant to be together.

At the General Women's Meeting I was contemplating my own role as mother and nurturer.
My first reaction was to feel guilty at how much I fall short.
But then almost as quickly as that thought came it was replaced even more swiftly with all the things I know I'm doing right.

Elijah knows what Family Home Evening is.
Even though he almost never sits and listens to my simple lessons, he knows that we gather together to sing songs and learn about Jesus.
He reminds us about our lesson each week, even offering to do it himself once.

Elijah looks forward to our family dinners each night.
He loves "helping" me cook and loves to ask what I'm going to make.
He knows and expects his mom to cook something {hopefully} delicious from scratch.
Though he loves "Ronald McDonald's" (as he calls it), most of the time when given the option he will choose mom's home cooking over a cheeseburger.
[Except when he remembers they give out toys. He will always pick the toy.]
If we eat leftovers or sandwiches for dinner (on the weekends) instead of making a big meal, Elijah knows immediately it's out of place and will ask when I'm going to make dinner instead.
Though tiring at times, it makes me proud that my son knows about different healthy meals and loves eating with his family at home.

Usually it's a tactic to delay bedtime, but Elijah reminds us to have family prayer if we forget.
We have also started the routine of reading his edition of the Book of Mormon before bed, one that he seems to look forward to each night.
I'm pretty sure the stories don't make a lot of sense to him, but I can see that habit and understanding forming already and it makes me happy to see him eager to hear scripture stories.

The other day Elijah hurt another baby I watch during the week.
He knows that's not something we do and he knows I get really mad about it.
After weeks of telling him to be gentle to {both!} babies, and him usually ignoring me, I could see that he actually finally showed some remorse for his actions.
Before I could even question what happened he regretfully told me what he did and how terrible he felt about it.

He apologized to me and told me he knew it was bad.
It took every ounce of me to not smile and laugh at this amazing progress he's made; to show sorrow for his bad choices and to say sorry before I even asked is a humungous step we've been working on for ages.
Something is finally sticking and I feel some weight slowly lifting after five years of feeling like I'm drowning.

I know I am still not the best mom.
I know I still have a lot of things to work on,
both in my parenting and in my self-confidence.

But I like to think that I'm pretty okay.
That I'm surviving.
We're surviving.
We're healthy and happy.
We're learning and progressing.
We have small victories amidst the greater struggles.
And in the end that's what's really going to matter

Inspiration

Mother's Day Inspiration

Inspiration

Easter Inspiration

Inspiration

The missionaries shared this video with us this last week and it's one of my favorite messages. I have felt my testimony strengthen and felt the love of the Lord most in my life through the tender mercies that I receive daily. They are what get me through my hardest of times and remind me that I am never alone.

"The Lord is good to all; And His tender mercies are over all His works."

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