mommy time-out

there’s no doubt that Elijah is cute.
and there’s absolutely no doubt that i love him.
but that doesn’t mean i always enjoy every second with him.
and to even say that out loud makes me sick with guilt.

but if i learned anything in therapy it is to be honest with my feelings.
so this is my honest struggle.

this weekend i was completely at my limit with Elijah.
he was just constantly in my face {literally}, thought my stomach was the best kind of trampoline, yelling, hitting, running around like a mad-man in circles, not sleeping, not listening, just going nuts. 
at one point on Saturday night i told Adam that i just could not take it anymore and i needed a mental break.
i mean, i knew he was cute. i knew he was sweet. and he was doing really funny things!
but i was just so overwhelmed i couldn’t appreciate it all.

so i took a nap.
Adam was nice enough to take over from there and deal with Elijah {even though he was a little fed up too} and i took a little nap and cooled off.
by the time i woke up, Elijah had gone to bed only to wake up a couple of hours later refusing to go back to sleep.
even though i had just been frustrated with him an hour before, i was able to go get him out of bed lovingly, cuddle with him on the couch, and try to sing him back to sleep.
i was calm & collected.
i showed him love when he needed it.
and i was able to be the mom he needed most after taking a moment to accept how i was feeling.

when i first started talking to my counselor, one of the first things he taught me was to take the time to address my true feelings and take a time out. 
he helped me see that it is just not realistic to be happy/positive/upbeat/calm every single second.
especially with a toddler.

and i have tried to do just that.
when i start feeling myself getting overwhelmed or frustrated, i have tried to open up more about it instead of pushing it down deep, slapping on a fake smile, and waiting until i boil over.
if Adam is home, i tell him, “i am getting a little frustrated right now and i need a break.”
he has been really amazing to step in when he sees me getting tired and let me have a break {or quick nap}. 

and when he’s not home, i open it up to the universe & to God.
“right now, i’m getting really frustrated with Elijah. help me get through it.”
and from there i can understand how i’m really feeling and what i need to do to overcome it.
it helps me understand that i’m reaching my breaking point and i need to adjust my sails accordingly.
i try to get Elijah distracted with something else so i can go in the back room for a breather.
or we take a trip outside.
or {most of the time} i realize it’s time for Elijah’s nap and that’s why he’s being cranky anyways.

this has helped me tremendously!!
i cannot even fully describe how much better i can handle the day when i choose to honestly say,
“right now, my son is getting on my nerves.”
because when i am honest with myself & my feelings, i can then know how to be a better mother and change how i react.
i can give myself the mental & emotional break i need to be the best, healthiest, loving mother Elijah needs.

it might seem kind of backwards.
i mean, how could saying your kid frustrates you make you a better mom?
but it’s the act of being genuine with how i feel that has helped me find the way to get back on track.
and knowing i can take it all one day at a time so that i can give my son the most love he deserves.