the {hilarious} life of Bon

i’m so excited to have Bonnie from The Life of Bon!
this girl is hi.lar.i.ous!!
she is so much fun and i know you will all love her as much as i do!

take it away, Bonnie!

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I know what you're thinking right now.   "Guest post today?  Well, shoot. Alright, toots, you've got exactly seven seconds to impress me before I click out of this site and don't give you the time of day ever again."
The pressure is intense, I tell you, it's intense! Deep breath.  And here I go. First things first.  My name is Bonnie.  This is me.
 
I used to have pink hair before I got a real job.  Now I have a real job.  But I don't have pink hair.  You can't have it all, people. I write over at Life of Bon.  If it weren't for blogging I would have long been driven to insanity by now.  That's because I spend my days in the company of punk seventeen year olds.  Mostly I try to teach them how to write thesis statements and how to tell the difference between your and you're. It's a lot harder than you'd think to get that rule to stick, I tell you.  Even though those high schoolers can be a bunch of bratty ingrates they have somehow completely stolen my heart. Ain't that always the way it is with bratty ingrates?!?! When I'm not trying to cram grammar into the heads of hormonal teenagers, I try my best at being a wife- a gig that is new to me this past year.  I guess you could say I've got a small crush on this guy.
 
 
Ahem... the one without all the hair... If you're wondering why my hubby has got a giant teddy bear on his shoulders, it was an experiment to see if we are ready to have babies.  We are not. If you're wondering why the walls are lime green in our apartment, it's because I made a terrible, terrible mistake.  It's fixed now. I feel like now would be a good time to let you know what a smartie I am.  I've caught on to a few things around this internet,  and you know what's really in right now?
 
How-to articles. Everyone and their dogs are doing it, you know. I know how to do lots of stuff and so I will share that knowledge with you and impress you with my pure intelligence.  Just wait!  I will win you over with my smarts! Here goes! HOW TO: Paint your toenails. Take off all old nailpolish. Clip nails if necessary. Put on fresh nail polish. Put a clear coat on the top to make it shiny. If that's what you're in to. Don't put socks on until they're dry. The last step is the most important- trust me on this one! HOW TO: Do laundry. Throw clothes in washing machine. Whites in one pile. Darks in the other. OR Wash them in cold water and wash them all together. When you hear the buzzer, move the clothes to the dryer. Turn it on. When the buzzer goes off again the clothes are done. Oh. I forgot to tell you to add detergent. Add it to the washer, not the dryer. That could be bad. You can find detergent at any grocery store. HOW TO: Get seventeen year olds to like  you. Get a twitter account Make fun of the other teachers with them. Shop at Forever 21. Say something borderline inappropriate every once in a while. HOW TO: Get seventeen year olds to hate you. Take away their cell phones. Write them up for truancies when they leave class five minutes early. Yell at them in front of the class when they do something out of line. Send them to the principal's office when they drop the f bomb. HOW TO: Make dinner. OPTION A Chop an onion and fry it up. Add meat to it.  Chicken or beef usually. Twirl your spice rack thing around chosing at random which spices you want.  You really can't go wrong! Cook until it smells burned. Microwave a potato for ten minutes. Eat potato with meat. OPTION B Order a pizza from Papa John's. $10.76. Feeds two people for two meals HOW TO: Seduce your man. Cook dinner (I would suggest option B in this post.  Option A doesn't always turn out.) Wear perfume Laugh at everything he says Tell him you will watch whatever he wants for the rest of the night. Tell him his muscles are looking bigger. Works every time. Guaranteed.
 
 
HOW TO: Love your life. Don't take it too seriously. Say thank you. Take a bubble bath if you feel stressed. Remember everybody's got probs. Dye your hair pink if you feel so inclined. Look in the mirror and repeat: "I am a sexy mama, I am a sexy mama, I am a sexy mama." Just kidding about that last one. Please. Who would ever do that? There you go folks!  You're not going to find much better advice than that on the whole world wide web, so you might as well hop on over to Life of Bon for more incredibly insightful advice.  Or for a laugh.  Whatever floats your boat, people.
See you soon?

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isn’t she great?
be sure to stop by her blog for more funny stories and how-tos
you can also find her on facebook and twitter

6 comments:

April S. said...

Laughed my whole way through this post! So true! All of it!

A Proverbs 31 Wife said...

Way to funny! I cracked up several times!

bonbon said...

Ah, geex, thanks Megan! Now you're making me blush!

Bonnie Gutzman said...

Woooah. Bonnie is my name twinner from Price (and 2 of I think 3 "Bonnie's" in the whole town)! Random.

Alexis Kaye said...

you're so cute! loved it :)

Tiffany said...

I LLOLed my way through this. Great post!