peace He brings

   [Adam edited this picture all cool and colorful-like and i think it’s pretty cool! he’s a cool guy :)]

yesterday i played a violin duet in church after not touching a violin for over 3 years.
to say i was terrified is an understatement.

about an hour before i had to get up to play, i started completely freaking.out.
i had practiced
and practiced
and practiced
for two weeks, going over again and again each note and rhythm.
saturday night i finally felt pretty good about the song and thought that maybe i could pass it off well.
come sunday morning, panic completely took over.

Adam had to help me calm down and breathe.
i felt all the symptoms of another panic attack coming on and was certain i would either throw up, pass out, or both.
what in the heck did i get myself into??

right before i played, i prayed fervently to feel at peace and to be able to perform well.
i prayed that the congregation would be able to feel the Spirit through our song.
i prayed that i would be able to use the talents that the Lord has given me to glorify Him.

then came the few opening measures.
and i screwed up.

my confidence completely crumbled, i started shaking non-stop barely able to turn my pages, and it took all my power not to start crying on stage.
i failed. i failed my partner. i failed the accompanist. i embarrassed all of us. no one would think of me the same again.

when i was done, i hurried off stage, sat on the back bench, hid my face, and cried.
Adam gave me quick hug and said some encouraging words but then had to take Elijah out in the hall again since he was crying.
so i just sat there alone trying hard to just become invisible.

[later, a good friend saw that i needed my husband, went out and played with Elijah so Adam could come back in and sit with me and make me feel better. i will be forever grateful to that friend for seeing a need and willingly & lovingly filling it!]

what happened later has strengthened my testimony in my Savior.

i KNOW i messed up. and i know i messed up bad. i’m not just trying to be humble or anything. it didn’t sound as well as i had practiced.
so why did no one seem to notice?
not Adam, not Dorothy, not Curtis, not Melissa, not Amber, not Arissa, not Paul, not Paige, not Kaja, not Cyndi… no one.
even the most musically talented people didn’t notice the blatant mistakes i made.

instead, so many of my close friends told me how strongly they felt the Spirit during the music.
how they felt the Savior’s love through the message of the song.
and how they felt the overwhelming peace of the Spirit in their hearts.

when they came up to tell me this, each time i started to cry.
i knew that i messed up. i knew that it didn’t sound perfect. i felt so ashamed for trying and then failing.
but when they told me how the song made them feel, i knew it wasn’t because of what i did or how i played.
it was because of the Lord.

maybe i didn’t play as well as i would’ve liked. and i know i’m definitely not a concert violinist by any means.
but in that moment it didn’t matter.
the Lord took over and His love filled the room.
there was peace in the chapel at that moment.
the Spirit was felt very strongly to all who listened.
the song did glorify Him and we felt of His love.

it wasn’t me at all.
it was all because of the Savior.

thinking about that last night just really hit me.
it made me appreciate the Lord even more and the blessings He has given me.

yes, i’m nervous to ever play again in front of people.
but i know that when i do what the Lord has asked me to do, even if it’s just playing one small, 3-minute musical number, He will bless my life and other people’s lives in wonderful ways.

He knows us. He knows me. He knows what we need to do to be happy and bring peace into our lives.
i know He is real. i know He is my Savior. i know He blesses my life every day.
and i know He was there in that meeting yesterday, sharing His love for all of us.