peace He brings

cropped   [Adam edited this picture all cool and colorful-like and i think it’s pretty cool! he’s a cool guy :)]

yesterday i played a violin duet in church after not touching a violin for over 3 years.
to say i was terrified is an understatement.

about an hour before i had to get up to play, i started completely freaking.out.
i had practiced
and practiced
and practiced
for two weeks, going over again and again each note and rhythm.
saturday night i finally felt pretty good about the song and thought that maybe i could pass it off well.
come sunday morning, panic completely took over.

Adam had to help me calm down and breathe.
i felt all the symptoms of another panic attack coming on and was certain i would either throw up, pass out, or both.
what in the heck did i get myself into??

right before i played, i prayed fervently to feel at peace and to be able to perform well.
i prayed that the congregation would be able to feel the Spirit through our song.
i prayed that i would be able to use the talents that the Lord has given me to glorify Him.

then came the few opening measures.
and i screwed up.

my confidence completely crumbled, i started shaking non-stop barely able to turn my pages, and it took all my power not to start crying on stage.
i failed. i failed my partner. i failed the accompanist. i embarrassed all of us. no one would think of me the same again.

when i was done, i hurried off stage, sat on the back bench, hid my face, and cried.
Adam gave me quick hug and said some encouraging words but then had to take Elijah out in the hall again since he was crying.
so i just sat there alone trying hard to just become invisible.

[later, a good friend saw that i needed my husband, went out and played with Elijah so Adam could come back in and sit with me and make me feel better. i will be forever grateful to that friend for seeing a need and willingly & lovingly filling it!]

what happened later has strengthened my testimony in my Savior.

i KNOW i messed up. and i know i messed up bad. i’m not just trying to be humble or anything. it didn’t sound as well as i had practiced.
so why did no one seem to notice?
not Adam, not Dorothy, not Curtis, not Melissa, not Amber, not Arissa, not Paul, not Paige, not Kaja, not Cyndi… no one.
even the most musically talented people didn’t notice the blatant mistakes i made.

instead, so many of my close friends told me how strongly they felt the Spirit during the music.
how they felt the Savior’s love through the message of the song.
and how they felt the overwhelming peace of the Spirit in their hearts.

when they came up to tell me this, each time i started to cry.
i knew that i messed up. i knew that it didn’t sound perfect. i felt so ashamed for trying and then failing.
but when they told me how the song made them feel, i knew it wasn’t because of what i did or how i played.
it was because of the Lord.

maybe i didn’t play as well as i would’ve liked. and i know i’m definitely not a concert violinist by any means.
but in that moment it didn’t matter.
the Lord took over and His love filled the room.
there was peace in the chapel at that moment.
the Spirit was felt very strongly to all who listened.
the song did glorify Him and we felt of His love.

it wasn’t me at all.
it was all because of the Savior.

thinking about that last night just really hit me.
it made me appreciate the Lord even more and the blessings He has given me.

yes, i’m nervous to ever play again in front of people.
but i know that when i do what the Lord has asked me to do, even if it’s just playing one small, 3-minute musical number, He will bless my life and other people’s lives in wonderful ways.

He knows us. He knows me. He knows what we need to do to be happy and bring peace into our lives.
i know He is real. i know He is my Savior. i know He blesses my life every day.
and i know He was there in that meeting yesterday, sharing His love for all of us.


Amanda said...

I used to play the violin too! I'm scared to death to pick it up now though...I know I can squeak through a few songs, but it's been 10 years since I played in front of anyone!

GingerPeachT said...

Oh you dear thing. Lol we are so much alike in this aspect. Remember about being gentle with ourselves? You are not a failure and you are right! God used you!
Satan likes to make strong men weak
God likes to make weak men strong.
:-) remember that!

holli h. said...

i've been through this over and over and over in my life. I am a nervous wreck before i perform or give talks in church, and i wonder why i ever have agreed to do such a thing in the first place. it has gradually gotten better over the years--mostly by trying to focus on the testimony that I want to express rather than how "awesome" I am at expressing it.

and in the end, everyone always says it was nice. and i am sure it was, megan :)

Alexis Kaye said...

You are so special Megan. I think this is so true of so many things. We see so many faults and shortcomings in ourselves that the Savior helps fill in the gaps. In institute today we talked about being perfected in our image. Our teacher brought in a picture of Mickey doing a self portrait. He saw his image in the mirror, but instead of drawing himself, he drew Walt Disney. He could see his creator in him. And we talked about how we can see the creator in us and how we can look for that and that the atonement can make up those gaps for us. :) love you!

Rachel said...

I think you did AMAZING. I didn't even notice that you messed up- honest! I wanted to tell you after church, but we left too quickly. It was about the only thing I got out of church yesterday because Luke was a little nuts-o, but those few minutes of that peaceful, beautiful hymn was wonderful. so thank you! You did great, and you're so brave!!

Breezy said...

You did an incredibly brave thing! I don't think I could pick up the instrumant I used to play now. No WAY! That is SOOO awesome you did!

Unknown said...

My sister convinced me to sing a duet with her in sacrament once when I was in high school. I can carry a tune ok, but I'm nowhere near amazing. Anyway, I was singing harmony instead of the melody, and I had a small solo part- I got completely lost and just had to struggle through till my sister came back in. It was awful and super obvious! Everyone told me it was good, but I knew they were just being nice. I swore I'd never sing in church again unless it was in choir, and I haven't. So I know exactly how you felt, and I'm glad you were able to realize that even with our mistakes, the Lord is present when we do our best. Thanks for sharing. :)

Unknown said...

What an amazing testimony of not only the Lord's presence, but also of the power of prayer!!! You prayed specifically for the congregation to feel the spirit move above anything else. WOW. Thanks for sharing this incredible moment!!! :) ~Bri~

Emma Frances said...

Wow. This really shows how much our Heavenly Father knows and cares for us. Thank you so so much for sharing this!

Unknown said...

First off, YOU GO GIRL for even getting up and being courageous enough to do it in the first place. I am already so proud of you. And second, thank you for being willing to get up and bear testimony through music. Not enough people do it down here in Florida and honesty, for me, it is the strongest way for me to be touched by the Spirit and feel my Heavenly Father's love and presence. THANK YOU!


Aubrey said...

I love that you post churchy things. For some dumb reason I avoid mentioning anything churchy on my blogs. It's really so dumb. Religion is so important to me and such a huge part of my life. You've inspired me to try to be better about that.