i have felt prompted for some time to share my story. i don’t feel like it is unique in many ways, most people have similar stories. but it is personal. very personal. and i have this overwhelming feeling that i need to share it with others.
i struggle with depression. i have always struggled with bouts of sadness and insecurities, but they always seemed like normal parts of life that we all go through. it wasn’t until recently that i realized i was struggling more than i could handle. and i needed someone/something to throw me a lifeline that i couldn’t throw myself.
i started feeling this way soon after Elijah was born. i didn’t think i had post-partum depression because i was generally happy. as the months went on and school started again, i could feel my little soul struggling harder against the trials we faced. i knew they weren’t big trials and people face worse things everyday. but for me i felt like i could barely hang on and was falling more into despair as time went on.
with disappointment after disappointment piled on top of one another, i felt like i had lost control of my little life and especially my emotions. eventually i felt like i had completely lost myself, lost who i once was.
i knew i was a mother.
i knew i was a wife.
i knew i had accomplished a lot as a student.
i knew i had a supportive family.
and at times i knew i was Daughter of God.
but it wasn’t enough. there was still so much that i was missing. and even more, there was a feeling like i was destined to feel this way forever.
i had glimmers of hope throughout this time.
i even shared a lot about those good times (here, here, and here).
i was reading over these old posts one weekend and thought to myself,
“where had that girl gone? where was the confidence and love i had once felt for myself and for others? how could i be the wife/mother/friend/daughter i need to be?”
those posts weren’t lies. it wasn’t a facade i was trying to create to make me sound like a perky, awesome mom/wife/woman. they were the true feelings that i had in that moment. however, those moments lasted only a couples of days/weeks at the most. then i was back to feeling bad until my next “epiphany.”
the truth is: i had to go to a dark place before i finally found the joy/love/light i had been looking for.
it was a very hard/trying/emotional/personal experience for me. and i never want to go back there. but at the same time, i am very grateful because i would not have learned what i needed to learn to get help. [and hopefully, help others.]
i say all this not to get pity. i also don’t want to make others uncomfortable with sharing my personal feelings. but as i learned what i needed to do and have talked to others about my feelings, i have realized there are others out there like me who may need a lift, a hug, a hand, a smile to get out of their trap of insecurities.
i am still not perfect. i still have a lot of practicing to do to get to the place i really want to be. but i feel so good about the path i am on. i feel confident in my abilities and of the abilities in those who are lending me help and support.
