change of heart

i am sad to admit it, but last Christmas i had a very bitter heart.
it felt like nothing was working out at the time:
we didn’t get into dental school, 
we didn’t get to go anywhere for Christmas,
we barely had any money for presents,
we couldn’t afford to get winter clothes for Elijah,
Elijah wasn’t nursing well anymore and it was physically and emotionally frustrating,
we were sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, and emotionally worn out.

the whole year was a complete roller-coaster and my emotions were at their wit’s end by the time Christmas came around. it was the beginning of my darkest days.

i cursed God and doubted His love for me.
i felt forsaken and forgotten.
i didn’t understand why He would let us go through all that we were having to endure.
i couldn’t see my blessings. i couldn’t feel His love.
i was miserable.

this Christmas is a lot different.
though not much has changed since last Christmas
{we still are barely making ends meet most days}
my heart is in a totally different place.

i know it is because i can feel God’s love in my life again.
i know He cares for me and is there for me through every trial.
after all that happened, He was there through it all!
{i know that now!}

i know that because of His guidance to get the help i needed, i can recognize the small and simple blessings in my life and understand my true worth.
i know He hears and answers our prayers, even the smallest and humblest of prayers.
i know He understands our greatest needs and the honest desires of our hearts.
i know that even if it doesn’t seem like we have much, the Lord blesses us through the simplest of ways.

i know that this is the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ
and that through Him we can find true happiness
and have that sweet change of heart.