on my mind

Adam preparing Elijah for the craziness of the Easter egg hunt. i thought that look of being overwhelmed captured my feelings perfectly. 

about once a week i think about shutting down this blog. 

not because of any bad critics or mean comments 

{i feel lucky to not have anyone too vocal come out yet...}

but just from my own feelings of inadequacy & frustrations over the whole blogging scene.

many times i feel like i will never be good enough, never amount to much,
none of this will really be worth it.
i mean, blogging is such a weird, strange world of its own.
what's the point of it all in the end?

i had big dreams and ambitions and so often i feel like i'm not really living up to that.
[and they didn't involve money. i just want to put that out there.]
especially when it can feel like you try hard... but it doesn't seem to really do much.
i'm sure i'm not the only one with that feeling right??

i think quite often, what's my story anyways? what's my purpose? where do i fit in to it all?
do i fit in anywhere? or is this all just a lot of time wasted.
i mean, i used to know my purpose but sometimes it feels very jumbled and confused.

{and really you can say over and over that we blog for ourselves and as much as that is true, when you have a message that you hope to share you do want others to enjoy your blog as well. right? it's for you but public blogs are also started for readers too. or am i saying too much and i'm going to get lynched??}

but then i think about how amazing blogging can be.
how blessed i feel from the incredible friendships i've made and the opportunities i've had.
i think about some of the wonderful conversations i've had with people, the way i found a strong and supportive community in a time where i felt so lost and alone.
and all that brings back the feelings and motivation that got me started blogging in the first place.

it's a love/hate relationship, this blogging thing.
there is so much good that can from it, but it can be so incredibly discouraging.
it can feel so empowering or it can make you feel so insecure.
i mean, it can be all Mean Girls up in here!

but among all the high-school-ness of it there are a lot of good people that i'm grateful for,
and good people who are trying to bring the community & love back into blogging.

i think the good can definitely outweigh the bad.
but in times where i feel the most discouraged, the most down on myself and start giving in to my weakness to compare, it can sometimes be hard to find the good in it all.
i let my sensitivity and insecurities get the best of me maaaannnnnyyyyyy times.

the good is there though.
and when i feel the most inspired, i can't wait to write more on this silly little blog.
bare my soul & all.
so i guess it's still all good for something, yeah yeah??
something that keeps me going in the end.

[if you made it through this post, APPLAUSE. i'm pretty sure i hardly made sense or had any kind of coherency whatsoever. so gold stars to all of you if you understood any of my babbling. also, i didn't mean for this to sound like some kind of pity party. i hesitated posting because i was afraid it would all sound like that. so i apologize in advance. 

and now i'm done with all my post-scripts :)]