panick{ed}

yesterday as we were helping my parents pack up their storage unit,
this little guy went missing.

i was inside the storage unit pulling out boxes and Adam and my parents were outside loading the truck.
Elijah was near me playing with some things and then i thought i saw & heard him go outside by everyone else.
i figured the would see him out there near them so i didn’t really think to call out to tell them he was coming.

a few minutes later Adam came in to grab boxes and asked where Elijah was.
“he’s outside with you guys,” i replied.
“no he’s not.”
“are you sure?”
“i thought he was in here with you??”

Adam quickly went out another side door to look for Elijah.
i went out by the truck and looked around and when i didn’t see him started walking along the outside complex.
i called his name over and over even though knowing full well he probably wouldn’t really answer.
{he’s still so little!}

i started to pick up speed until i was in a full sprint.
i called his name over and over, feeling the rise of panic in my voice.
at the beginning i thought for sure he would just be around some corner, playing with a bug he found.
but when i couldn’t see him after turning what seemed to be an endless amount of corners i felt like everything was closing in on me fast.

i checked the gates as i ran by for any kind of opening that he could’ve possible squeezed through.
the storage place was by a really busy street so immediately my mind turned to the thought of him trying to chase the cars down the road {or into the road}.
i noticed there was another customer that showed up, what if he had grabbed him while we weren’t looking?
i went over every possible scenario in a short amount of time.

after what felt more like an hour instead of just 2 minutes, i heard my dad yell “Megan, he’s with Adam!”
i started running back over not believing it until i could actually see him in Adam’s arms.
sure enough, Adam showed up around the corner with a happy, babbling Elijah trying to get away so he could go play with the dolly again.

i just kind of stood there in shock.
i apologized to Adam over and over.
i felt like an absolutely awful, terrible mother.
i let him out of my sight.
i didn’t know where my son went.
and horrible things could’ve happened in those 2 minutes.

my mom came over and hugged me and just started crying.
i kept saying i thought he was out here, i had no idea, and i should’ve been more attentive!
Adam then came over and hugged me and reassured me it was alright. he was safe after all
[he was just wandering around and exploring]
but no matter what words of comfort they give, i will always remember that feeling of sheer panic. 

after the devastating events that happened over the weekend in Colorado, i have looked at Elijah and Adam with a lot more love and appreciation, knowing that in an instant it can be taken away from me.
any instant, like a toddler wandering away when we aren’t looking.

looking at Elijah now i still get overcome with emotion from the scare.
even when he is screaming at the top of his lungs at the store, i know i love him more than anything.
so much so that the thought of losing him physically hurts.

i know i may complain sometimes about how hard Elijah is.
but after everything is said and done, i’d rather hear him scream than not hear his voice at all.
i never knew how much love my heart could hold until i had a son.
and i love him so very very much!