panick{ed}

zoo 2

yesterday as we were helping my parents pack up their storage unit,
this little guy went missing.

i was inside the storage unit pulling out boxes and Adam and my parents were outside loading the truck.
Elijah was near me playing with some things and then i thought i saw & heard him go outside by everyone else.
i figured the would see him out there near them so i didn’t really think to call out to tell them he was coming.

a few minutes later Adam came in to grab boxes and asked where Elijah was.
“he’s outside with you guys,” i replied.
“no he’s not.”
“are you sure?”
“i thought he was in here with you??”

Adam quickly went out another side door to look for Elijah.
i went out by the truck and looked around and when i didn’t see him started walking along the outside complex.
i called his name over and over even though knowing full well he probably wouldn’t really answer.
{he’s still so little!}

i started to pick up speed until i was in a full sprint.
i called his name over and over, feeling the rise of panic in my voice.
at the beginning i thought for sure he would just be around some corner, playing with a bug he found.
but when i couldn’t see him after turning what seemed to be an endless amount of corners i felt like everything was closing in on me fast.

i checked the gates as i ran by for any kind of opening that he could’ve possible squeezed through.
the storage place was by a really busy street so immediately my mind turned to the thought of him trying to chase the cars down the road {or into the road}.
i noticed there was another customer that showed up, what if he had grabbed him while we weren’t looking?
i went over every possible scenario in a short amount of time.

after what felt more like an hour instead of just 2 minutes, i heard my dad yell “Megan, he’s with Adam!”
i started running back over not believing it until i could actually see him in Adam’s arms.
sure enough, Adam showed up around the corner with a happy, babbling Elijah trying to get away so he could go play with the dolly again.

i just kind of stood there in shock.
i apologized to Adam over and over.
i felt like an absolutely awful, terrible mother.
i let him out of my sight.
i didn’t know where my son went.
and horrible things could’ve happened in those 2 minutes.

my mom came over and hugged me and just started crying.
i kept saying i thought he was out here, i had no idea, and i should’ve been more attentive!
Adam then came over and hugged me and reassured me it was alright. he was safe after all
[he was just wandering around and exploring]
but no matter what words of comfort they give, i will always remember that feeling of sheer panic. 

after the devastating events that happened over the weekend in Colorado, i have looked at Elijah and Adam with a lot more love and appreciation, knowing that in an instant it can be taken away from me.
any instant, like a toddler wandering away when we aren’t looking.

looking at Elijah now i still get overcome with emotion from the scare.
even when he is screaming at the top of his lungs at the store, i know i love him more than anything.
so much so that the thought of losing him physically hurts.

i know i may complain sometimes about how hard Elijah is.
but after everything is said and done, i’d rather hear him scream than not hear his voice at all.
i never knew how much love my heart could hold until i had a son.
and i love him so very very much!

20 comments:

Ruthie Hart said...

you are not a terrible mother! you are a HUMAN mother!

Amy said...

Don't you hate that helpless feeling of not knowing where your baby is? I could have written this post many, many times. Fortunately it has always ended with everything and everyone being fine. Don't let this reflect on you as a mother. I think it happens to everyone. Elijah probably wasn't even aware of the panic. You are a wonderful mother and he is lucky to have someone who cares so much about him. :)

Alyssa Dawson said...

Oh my heck!! You poor girl!! I bet that is the most horrible feeling! Thankfully he was alright! I have goose bumps now!!

Alexis Kaye said...

You ARE an awesome mommy! And I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Too scary for words. For some weird reason this post made me all teary. I think the responsibility of motherhood is starting to weigh in! I'm so nervous! Excited too, but very very nervous

Pamela said...

I think we all have to go through that moment of panic...glad he was ok and now YOU be ok!

Tranae said...

I'm sorry you had to go though that but it doesn't make you a bad mom. You are and will always be an awesome mom.

Creative Raisins said...

Have had that horrible feeling as well, I am so glad it turned out good.

Rachel said...

I had exactly the same experience the other week. Only it was for about 20 minutes. I Wrote a post but hesitated to publish. Maybe this will give me the courage to share. So glad you found him!!!!

Jessica Sebastian said...

Ah!!!! I am so sorry, that's terrifying! I dread that moment with Elles. Wish I could have been there to take you out for a cupcake :)

GirlRural.com said...

I wish I could claim that this has never happened to me, but all mothers have this moment. I think it's these little moments that strengthen our resolve to pay more attention, to check twice. Don't cry mama, we have all been there!

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Ashley said...

I think all of us mommas have gone through something like this before. Isn't amazing how seconds can feel like an eternity when your child is out of your sight!?

CAS said...

I know how awful that feeling is, not knowing where a little one is. That happened to us with our son on numerous occasions when he was little. We (4 adults) lost him at EPCOT, but he was 6 (still a baby to me). It was one scary half hour, but then he strolled up -- told us he just wanted to look at something & that he wasn't lost. He knew exactly where he was....lol!

I'm so glad eveything turned out well with your little one. Don't beat yourself up. I think it's their duty to make us worry!

CAS

Kolie said...

You are wonderful wonderful mother. Feeling that panic just proves how much you love your child. :)

Tabitha said...

Glad he is safe! And kids are so quick sometimes, it could happen to anyone. That is one of my worst fears and I panic even when someone else loses there child.

Mom of A and a said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Don't beat yourself about it. You are an awesome mom!

Kassi @ Truly Lovely said...

Glad he was safe and sound!!! Every momma goes through this! My nieces and nephews have turned up at our house several times and momma didn't know where they'd gone. Don't be too hard on yourself girl!

Kelley Lynne said...

aww Megan... That's the worst feeling in the world - it makes my eyes water and my stomach drop just thinking about it. This has happened to me multiple times while babysitting or watching my cousins (does this make me a bad babysitter?? eek)... little kiddos are so fast!! I'm glad you found him quickly!

Ashley said...

My heart aches for you! Spending so much time with my nieces this past month has really opened my eyes as to how hard it can be to have your own children. When we went to Six Flags with them, it was just Nathan and I plus them. I felt myself looking over my shoulder every couple seconds to make sure they were right there by us. Or that they followed us when we got off a ride. Or that someone else wasn't getting too close to them. Things I never think about when you're not feeling like you're the parental unit, even if you're not.

I can only imagine how tough this was for you, but don't ever question your value as a mother. You wouldn't worry that much if you weren't such a wonderful person AND mother. The more it hurts, the more you care - the better you are.