doubts & blessings

it’s been kind of hard trying to figure out a good transition from my last post.
it’s not really the easiest thing to follow.

these last two weeks or so have been really emotional for me in a lot of ways.
good & bad.
at this point i feel a lot more peaceful, a lot more uplifted than i did two weeks ago.

i have to back up to two Fridays ago.
i basically had a {small} emotional breakdown to Adam.
it just all came pouring out of me, feelings that i didn’t really even realize or understand were bottled up inside me.

ultimately, all of the feelings came down to this:
i felt very alone. and i started doubting.
i just didn’t feel like i knew the point of everything anymore.

i told Adam that i would pray often for patience, love, wisdom, and understanding when dealing with Elijah.
i would pray that Elijah would be calm and behave, that we would have easier, happier days.
but no. the days just got harder.

so i doubted.
i didn’t think anyone, anyone, cared about how i felt.

literally the next day the prayers that i thought were going unanswered were answered.
i went to the Relief Society broadcast and one of the very first messages was:

so that was basically like being hit over the head.

a few days later my grandma went to the hospital after breaking her hip.
although she came out of surgery with flying colors, the following days were really up and down.

it was really hard to understand why all of this was happening.
we had just moved back home and i was looking forward to seeing my grandma more,
not just in her final moments.

but as i reflected on it all and thought about the legacy my grandma has left behind,
i realized that the whole experience was another gentle reminder to have faith in all things.

the first time i visited my grandma in the hospital i realized how petty i had been acting.
my problems were not even close to anything my grandma has endured or was currently enduring.
i have one crazy boy and she lived in a tiny house with 4 of them.
she spent nearly the last 30 years without her husband by her side.
i'm sure she felt completely alone countless times.
but she never gave up faith or doubted even though she had every reason to.

although these last couple of weeks have been rough, there have been so many
tender mercies,
blessings,
and answered prayers
throughout all of it.

two weeks ago i was doubting that the Lord was there for me.
or that He was even answering my prayers.
and now i can say He definitely is there for me.
He hears me and answers my prayers,
even the unspoken prayers of my heart.

as a sidenote, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me these last little while as my posts have become rather inconsistent. i hope i didn’t let too many people down while i take on some of these personal things. thank you for all of your patience and understanding! i appreciate all of you and couldn’t ask for better friends & readers!