concerns of a future mother-of-two

I can't believe this little boy is going to be a big brother in 4 short weeks. 

A big brother!!

4 weeks!!

When I look at Elijah and think about the huge change he's about to endure, without even knowing it, it makes me feel all sorts of emotions: 

excited 

guilty

sad 

overwhelmed 

anxious

pride 

overpowering love & admiration 

In Primary on Sunday, he introduced himself to his new class and kept talking about "baby sister." 

And then he drew this family picture of "Mommy with baby sister in her belly, Daddy, and me." 

Seeing as he cried & yelled & gnashed his teeth when we told him he was going to have a sister to now telling everyone about her and drawing pictures of her in-utero, this picture has become pretty precious to me already. And has helped ease my anxiety a bit. 

Just a bit though. 

Too many worries, not enough time. 

{4 weeks!}

Elijah has always been a sweet, loving, and super caring & compassionate little boy. 

I remember the first time he saw a baby doll at Gigi's house and he automatically held it close and carried it around gently. 

Whenever he sees little babies he gets so excited and talks about how little they are. 

He wants to care for them and makes sure they are okay. 

I remember once babysitting a newborn when Elijah was just 18-ish months and when the baby cried, Elijah would race to get her pacifier or try to get her a bottle. 

He naturally wants to protect, help, and care for all babies. 

Knowing this gets me more excited to see Eli be a big brother. 

I know he's going to be so gentle and so caring. 

I know he's going to try to help [or "help"] any chance he gets. 

I know he's going to be so excited to have a little baby to dote on every single day. 

I know he will be an increibly loving older brother. 

Or at least I hope all this is sure. 

But makes me nervous is how he is going to adjust emotionally to a new little person in his territory. 

He has been very clingy to me lately, demanding only I put him to sleep and cries anytime Adam tries to go in his room. How is he going to feel with a foreign little baby is taking away his mommy?

Are they still going to be friends even though they are far apart in age? 

Are they still going to be friends even though they are different genders?
[Why didn't I try harder to get them closer together?]

How is he going to feel when we are more gentle with the baby? 

How is he going to react when we have to spend more time helping the baby because we know he can do things on his own? 

Is he going to resent us or the baby because we may instinctively treat a little girl different than a little boy? 

Are we going to be able to divide enough attention between both kids? 

Enough time?

Enough love?

Will I even love the second one as much as I love my firstborn??  

Will I start to love Elijah less?

Am I going to be able to handle two kids? 

Will I be good enough? 

There's so many worries & concerns & anxiety that I think about daily. 

I want to soak up every last second I have alone with Elijah before his world is rocked forever. 

And it makes me want to hold him & keep him small. 

And apologize for possibly messing up his life for years to come... 

I love my sweet boy. 

All I want in life is to do right by him.