who am i?::edit

my body is overcome. i am no longer in control.

i can’t sleep. i’m exhausted but can’t sleep. it confuses me. and i eat {always} it feels like but it’s never enough. tonight i ate a big mac meal. now that i think about it, it sounds pretty disgusting. and i was okay for about… 2 hours. then i couldn’t sleep. and my little friend started grumbling at me. i needed some more food. [it’s such a chore].

i hate being “pregnant.” i mean i love being pregnant. i love my baby. but i hate the fact of pregnancy as my “excuse” and as my “burden.” i can barely make it through school or work. and people tell me, “it’s okay megan, you have a baby in your stomach.” and i love my little baby in the stomach. but i hate having people tell me it’s okay to slack, it’s okay to sleep all day, and it’s okay to miss things because i have the “best excuse.” but to me it shouldn’t just be an excuse and a chore to grow a little one. i just want to be me, at my best, with a little addition that just makes me better.

and that’s what’s hard. it’s just my addition and me slowly falling behind. do i sound selfish and pitiful? it’s okay. i know i am.

i feel at times like i don’t really know who {or what} my body is anymore. it is foreign. and it not longer loves me. it loves some little, lime sized, healthy, happy person who doesn’t have a name [or a type] yet.

and i guess i’m okay with that. it’s for a good cause.

but it is definitely hard.

but this wonderful lady has helped me realize how i can get through it with this and this. it just reiterates to me that however hard this may be, it is not about me anymore but about my precious babe.

{and for that, i know definitely who i am and what my purpose has become.}

edit:: i realize with a {semi} good sleep and not being two in the morning, {semi} without my stomach hurting, and {semi} without a painful headache that this post doesn't make a lot of sense and it is just a bunch of rambling. i apologize you have to read it.


chad and lemae said...

it's okay to feel this way, because your body is changing and will continue to change throughout. Don't worry the 2 trimester is better. I felt the same way with my pregnancy but just keep your eye on the prize at the end. It will all be worth it! Also if you don't have this book yet I suggest getting it, What to Expect When Expecting. Helped answer a lot of question that you might feel stupid asking your doctor about and fun baby facts.

Laurie said...

It's good to former wardies looking out for each other. Thanks Lemae for your comment. And Megan, it's true, when that little one comes you feel entirely different, happy and complete. Just like you have posted on your blog, Find Joy in the Journey.

Love, Mom