dip dye & gingham

This is when I asked Adam if my cheeks look really big. And he replied, "Well... it is what it is." So nice right??
[skirt: c/o Persunmall  // shirt: c/o Fresh Produce clothing // necklace: c/o That's So Fab // shoes: Target clearance]

When Adam got home I was just waiting to hear what he had to say about this outfit. 
He always seems to have clever little quips about what I choose to wear. 
But he actually said he really liked it... until he saw my knotted shirt.
"What is going on there??" 

I wasn't too sure about it before either but went out in public anyways. 
So hopefully I pulled it off right ;) 

But here's how I really feel about these pictures... 
[deep, crazy, pregnant lady thoughts about to be spewed.]

Pregnancy pictures are... rough for me. 
Hence the reason why this blog has been so bare of pictures lately. 

Not that I really loved my body before, I've always struggled with really low self-worth, but seeing my body grow exponentially in every single part of my body is always hard for me to wrap my brain around. Especially when you see people who do not gain pregnancy weight in their legs, cheeks, and arms... I tend to get a bit jealous & angry about my current state of being. 

Not that I'm not grateful to be pregnant. 
I truly truly am! 
And I love this baby and am so happy to bring her into our family. 

But pregnancy does lots of weird things to my mind, body, soul... 
Hormones and all that. 
My body has never been very happy when I add more hormones to it. 

When I was pregnant with Elijah I remember going through these same feelings, but not being too overwhelmed by it cause the nausea & pain seemed to push out any negative body image that I may have had. 

But after I had him and I wasn't skinny again right away? Or that I still clung to the pregnancy weight in places I had always been conscious about? And that it took a long time to fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans when Facebook told me other (what seemed like) so many other friends could fit into theirs two weeks after their baby was born? 

All of that really messed up my mind. 
So much so that I pretty much drastically limited my food intake... 
A problem I realize looking back on could have been what affected Elijah's early self-weaning. 

I hated myself and I hated my body. 
But 2 years-ish later I started to accept it and feel better. 

But this time around, I feel all those negative thoughts come creeping back in. 
I already feel myself starting down that dark road. 
And I'm trying so hard to avoid it. 

What if I can't avoid it? 

I have been praying that I have the strength to realize these thoughts are not real. 
To understand my worth and the beauty of this time in my life, not avoid my reflection. 

Cause I know once that little baby is in my arms it really will all be worth it. 
And I want nothing else than to be healthy physically and emotionally & mentally to take care of her. 
I know I can't be the mom I want to be without first taking care of & feeling better about myself. 
In every way. 

So that's my goal. 
Let's see how it goes... 


11 comments:

Stories of Kel said...

You look incredible! You were suuuuuper tiny before and now you are just super tiny. ;-) I hope one day to pull off pregnancy as well as you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always appreciate that about you :-)

holli h. said...

I'm a fan of the knotted shirt... Totally did that when I was pregnant and continue to do so :)

Gentri said...

First- love the outfit and I'm glad Adam did too (for the most part)!!

Second- I can't relate exactly, because I've never been pregnant. But I can relate to low self worth. It is hard, it is. And probably everyone deals with it, so there are people who understand. I'm glad you are able to share it with is because it helps others not feel so alone. I posted swimsuit pictures today and I am not the skinniest girl in the world. It was so scary, but it's done. It was kind of like a big hurdle I overcame and I feel good about it now. Sharing is a good thing!

Third- you are absolutely stunning, and always have been. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and have a tiny frame! You're an amazing mother and wife and friend. And everyone that knows you- loves you.

I don't know why I word vomited, but there you go. Haha I love you and can't wait for this little girl to arrive!

Ps we need to text more.

Megan said...

I never comment but I like to read your blog! I just wanted to say that the idea that pregnant women should only gain in the belly is a load of baloney:) our society is so screwed up but we NEED that extra padding for breastfeeding and keeping our babies healthy while they are in us.

Not that you look like you've gained ANY weight, but still. I know your pain. With Sophie I got stretch marks EVERYWHERE, and it took me a while to be okay with it.

Jenna Foote said...

You really do look great. All of us mamas feel the weight of our changing bodies. It's important to remember you are doing everything right to nourish your child. Your body needs extra weight to sustain pregnancy. And we are always our own worst critics. You are a beautiful woman, no matter what anyone says. Get some beautiful maternity pictures taken close to your due date so you will see how stunning your pregnant form can be!

Aimee @ Like Mother Like Daughter said...

Let me just say (And it may not make you feel better) but I think you look AWESOME. What I've hated about gaining weight everywhere this pregnancy is when I'm already subconsciously thinking about how I'm gaining to much weight and then people feel like they can say anything they want to a pregnant woman "you're only 7 months along?" or "I saw another large pregnant woman like you..." excuse me? Anyway, you really do look gorgeous, I think pregnancy suits you :)

Amy Fashion Blog said...

you look great and you baby bump is super cute

Shane Prather said...

Hot mama! You pull off that bump so well :) So excited for you! xo

Jen Bosen said...

Bumps and puffiness and weight gain and all that stuff is irrelevant. Too bad it doesn't always feel that way, though, isn't it? :) You are glowing. Your love for your babies just radiates from your happy face. I adore it.

And for the record, it's okay to have those negative feelings. And it's okay to need validation and support and even professional help if it gets to be too much. (Speaking from experience here...we should talk some time.)

Camille Griffiths said...

You look amazing! Congrats!!

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

You are absolutely gorgeous!