dip dye & gingham

This is when I asked Adam if my cheeks look really big. And he replied, "Well... it is what it is." So nice right??

[skirt: c/o Persunmall  // shirt: c/o Fresh Produce clothing // necklace: c/o That's So Fab // shoes: Target clearance]

When Adam got home I was just waiting to hear what he had to say about this outfit. 

He always seems to have clever little quips about what I choose to wear. 

But he actually said he really liked it... until he saw my knotted shirt.
"What is going on there??" 

I wasn't too sure about it before either but went out in public anyways. 

So hopefully I pulled it off right ;) 

But here's how I really feel about these pictures... 

[deep, crazy, pregnant lady thoughts about to be spewed.]

Pregnancy pictures are... rough for me. 

Hence the reason why this blog has been so bare of pictures lately. 

Not that I really loved my body before, I've always struggled with really low self-worth, but seeing my body grow exponentially in every single part of my body is always hard for me to wrap my brain around. Especially when you see people who do not gain pregnancy weight in their legs, cheeks, and arms... I tend to get a bit jealous & angry about my current state of being. 

Not that I'm not grateful to be pregnant. 

I truly truly am! 

And I love this baby and am so happy to bring her into our family. 

But pregnancy does lots of weird things to my mind, body, soul... 

Hormones and all that. 

My body has never been very happy when I add more hormones to it. 

When I was pregnant with Elijah I remember going through these same feelings, but not being too overwhelmed by it cause the nausea & pain seemed to push out any negative body image that I may have had. 

But after I had him and I wasn't skinny again right away? Or that I still clung to the pregnancy weight in places I had always been conscious about? And that it took a long time to fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans when Facebook told me other (what seemed like) so many other friends could fit into theirs two weeks after their baby was born? 

All of that really messed up my mind. 

So much so that I pretty much drastically limited my food intake... 

A problem I realize looking back on could have been what affected Elijah's early self-weaning. 

I hated myself and I hated my body. 

But 2 years-ish later I started to accept it and feel better. 

But this time around, I feel all those negative thoughts come creeping back in. 

I already feel myself starting down that dark road. 

And I'm trying so hard to avoid it. 

What if I can't avoid it? 

I have been praying that I have the strength to realize these thoughts are not real. 

To understand my worth and the beauty of this time in my life, not avoid my reflection. 

Cause I know once that little baby is in my arms it really will all be worth it. 

And I want nothing else than to be healthy physically and emotionally & mentally to take care of her. 

I know I can't be the mom I want to be without first taking care of & feeling better about myself. 

In every way. 

So that's my goal. 

Let's see how it goes...