being the mom he deserves


The other night I heard Elijah crying long, sad sobs calling my name. I went into his room and he was sitting up in bed, half asleep, tears rolling down his face, crying out for me. 
When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy!" 
I think he was sleep talking [just like his dad], but it was heartbreaking all the same. 

This weekend was a rough one. 
Adam was gone Friday morning-Sunday morning at a dental conference and I went...crazy... 
There were a lot of texts to Adam telling him that I didn't what he was going to come home to, 
that there might not be three of us here when he gets back, 
and I was pretty sure I was going to have a stroke and die. 

Most of my struggles was trying to keep up with the energy of a 4-year-old on 3 hours of sleep a night and trying to have the patience to tell him, without yelling, to stop.sitting.on.the.baby!

So obviously tensions were high and a lot of my frustrations were let out on Elijah. 

But honestly, that's every day. 

My sweet baby boy, who I do love with all my heart, pushes my buttons to no end. 
Our personalties clash constantly and I feel like I don't even know how to talk to him without an edge in my voice sometimes. 

But then there are these indescribably sweet moments where he becomes my little boy again and melts my heart in a single phrase. 
And I realize that I spend so much time stressing over how to parent him and how to get him to listen that I forget to take a step back and remember to appreciate the amazing little kid he is growing up to be. A little kid who wants nothing more than to enjoy life and be loved. 
And I really don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember his mom constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

I absolutely don't deserve this sweet boy as my son and I constantly feel like there are probably plenty of other mothers out there who could be so much better for him without all my problems.
But when times get hard and I struggle with how to be the best mom to my firstborn, I have to remind myself that he's only a child once and he's a happy child at that. 

And there's always another day to try a little better. 


2 comments:

Amy Fashion Blog said...

Hugs

Camille Griffiths said...

I've hit my breaking point many times with my daughter. This morning she threw a tantrum because she doesn't want a birthday party. She says she hates me and if she does have a birth party, she doesn't want me there.

One of her major triggers is gluten. Maybe if your kiddo is acting up regularly but acts much calmer and more agreeable at other times, you could keep a food diary and see if there could be a food trigger?