mom jeans

(please pay no attention to my horrible legs in this picture and go straight from the skirt to the shoes)

on Sunday, I had first decided to wear this fabulous skirt paired with my fabulous {very tall} heels.

i *absolutely loved the look

then i went to hold Elijah while Adam got ready….

then got the baby ready…

then got the baby bag ready…

changed one more diaper…

and i couldn’t do it

i felt far from fabulous

and even more, i felt *too inappropriate to wear such things while having a child. i told Adam that if i was still in a single’s ward, i would have no reservations wearing this to church

but i was married now. and more importantly, i was a mom

moms can’t wear such things.

i felt like i was trying too hard to look {hip and single} again when i was past my time

do i sound old and depressed??

cause i’m pretty sure i was/am

then late tonight, as i was watching tbs and the *edited version of sex and the city i heard these two quotes:

“you don’t have to lose yourself to have a kid”

“one day you’ll wake up and not know where you went”

i had been thinking about this concept before this episode, mind you, and have truly felt that way before

can i not be fun, crazy, silly, fashionable anymore because i’m married and have a baby?

am i not the same person i once was?

not that i was so great before, but i do feel a distinct change in how i act. why am i so afraid? what do i have to lose? am i that scared of getting judged? [and i don’t just mean for how i dress, i just mean doing anything i once did before marriage and baby]

i don’t really know the answers to these questions. and i’m sure there will be a part of me that still struggles with this from time to time.

i always make comparisons. it’s unhealthy and stupid and i know it. but it’s true. and from these comparisons i look at others and think how wonderful they seem or how great their life must be or how much more fun they are having than me.

and they can wear {and do} whatever they want.

why are they so different than me? or at least why DO I THINK they are so different than me? (besides the fact that i have a baby…)

another question i’m not sure i can answer yet.

 

BUT THIS IS MY PLEDGE:

i am going to try {my hardest} to let go, give in, and throw out the second guesses out. i may not fully be able to stop comparing… but i can at least try to just be happy WITH ME. with who i am, with who i’ve become, and who i want to be. i can still be fun and crazy. i can still have dance parties and wear heels! (right? can i?)

i think i can.

this is my pledge: to get out of my rut and into the sunlight.

 

disclaimer: these are my thoughts only about myself only. if i saw a mother wearing really tall high heels i would not think that’s inappropriate. i would actually be jealous she had the confidence for it… so don’t think i’m saying this about all mothers

any similarities??

 

or is it just me hoping that he looks a teensy-bit like his mama???

is it normal to be jealous that everyone says he looks like Adam?

productivity.

today, Elijah took a suuuuuuper long nap. he even woke up at one point and whined a little but then just went back to sleep.

i was/am shocked.

but can you guess what i did instead of tackling my suuuuuuper long to-do list and my essay due on friday???

  

ate a whole package of fun-dip by myself while watching iCarly. 

 

does any part of that sentence surprise you?

cause let’s be honest, it probably shouldn’t.

 

 

now that i’m full of processed sugar, maybe i should go actually get some things done….

blessings from heaven

when Elijah was first born, we received a lot of free sample cans of formula. at the time, i was thinking it was kind of a waste because my baby was going to be solely breastfed

then reality hit me and as much i really wanted him to only have breast milk, it wasn’t always feasible when i had a class to take and couldn’t always make it home in time for a feeding or was up the whole night before with him and didn’t get a chance to pump.

the formula has also been a huge blessing for the road trips we have taken when we couldn’t pull over and his most recent week-long nursing strike.

although i feel {extremely guilty} giving him formula (especially when i hear other mothers talk about how their babies have never had formula in their life. they will probably have a higher IQ i guess…) we have come to the realization that now we are down to our last container of the 3 that we received.

and guess what people, formula is freaking expensive.

although Elijah mainly nurses, the knowledge of our emergency supply diminishing is troubling. we were dreading the day that we had to actually fork over the money to pay for formula for those {just in case} situations.

but. HALLELUJAH!

i thought our time for free samples was over.

but it’s not.

the gods of free stuff have blessed us again and a little surprise awaited us in our mailbox today.

we are seriously so blessed.

there are a lot of things that have been pressing on my mind lately and much of it having to do with living and finances. it is a stressful time for us and at times i feel very overwhelmed with what lay ahead of us. but i know this simple act of a free box of formula has taught me that the Lord is really watching out for us. He knows our fears and our hopes.

who knew a little can of formula would really make me feel this way?? i guess this is my new life now.

{and i love it.}

phew.

{This is how I feel.}

it’s only the second week of school.

boo.

i’ve{almost}decided to quit more than once.

having a baby while in school is a lot harder than i thought it would be. i have so much more respect for women who have accomplished such a task.

please tell me how you did it?!?!

p.s. I GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!! wa-cha!!

under construction

while I {not so patiently} wait for my computer to get fixed and come back to me, please accept my deepest apologies for neglecting my blog for a month.

babies+sharing a computer+school starting
=
no chance

again, I apologize.

but please enjoy the picture of Elijah eating his first rice cereal.
he's a fatty.

look at that face!
can you tell he looooooves to eat?

{we super like him.}