who am i?::edit

my body is overcome. i am no longer in control.

i can’t sleep. i’m exhausted but can’t sleep. it confuses me. and i eat {always} it feels like but it’s never enough. tonight i ate a big mac meal. now that i think about it, it sounds pretty disgusting. and i was okay for about… 2 hours. then i couldn’t sleep. and my little friend started grumbling at me. i needed some more food. [it’s such a chore].

i hate being “pregnant.” i mean i love being pregnant. i love my baby. but i hate the fact of pregnancy as my “excuse” and as my “burden.” i can barely make it through school or work. and people tell me, “it’s okay megan, you have a baby in your stomach.” and i love my little baby in the stomach. but i hate having people tell me it’s okay to slack, it’s okay to sleep all day, and it’s okay to miss things because i have the “best excuse.” but to me it shouldn’t just be an excuse and a chore to grow a little one. i just want to be me, at my best, with a little addition that just makes me better.

and that’s what’s hard. it’s just my addition and me slowly falling behind. do i sound selfish and pitiful? it’s okay. i know i am.

i feel at times like i don’t really know who {or what} my body is anymore. it is foreign. and it not longer loves me. it loves some little, lime sized, healthy, happy person who doesn’t have a name [or a type] yet.

and i guess i’m okay with that. it’s for a good cause.

but it is definitely hard.

but this wonderful lady has helped me realize how i can get through it with this and this. it just reiterates to me that however hard this may be, it is not about me anymore but about my precious babe.

{and for that, i know definitely who i am and what my purpose has become.}

edit:: i realize with a {semi} good sleep and not being two in the morning, {semi} without my stomach hurting, and {semi} without a painful headache that this post doesn't make a lot of sense and it is just a bunch of rambling. i apologize you have to read it.

grilled.

This is obviously worn out picture of Mr. Adam Robinson is due of:

a. staying up late with his wife playing games

b. being woken up 3+ times in the night because his wife couldn’t sleep/her stomach hurt

c. had to wake up early to work for 6 hours this morning

d. all of the above

The correct answer is D.

Adam takes really good care of me. He sacrifices sleep for me pretty much every night. He stays up with me when I don’t feel good and scratches my back until he thinks I am asleep [and I’m not, but he falls asleep doing it]

He also make really good grilled cheese and tomato soup. Which has been the only thing I really like to eat since I’ve been pregnant. It’s my staple. And I don’t make it right. I always overcook or undercook the bread. I just haven’t learned the art. But Adam has. There are {many things} Adam likes to brag about that he’s good at. But grilled cheese bragging I will allow cause it’s actually true.

So today after Adam fell asleep, I really wanted grilled cheese. I was hungry and I turned to my staple. But I couldn’t wake him [cause that would be dumb just for food…] and totally rude. So I did it myself. It didn’t turn out too bad! I was really proud of myself!

Though… one side of the sandwich was pretty burned…. and I don’t think I have the swish of milk in the tomato soup down like he does it. But the point is, I can do it on my own. Even if Adam is way better, I don’t have to be {completely} and {utterly} hopeless.

At least not all the time.

win.lose.

win: my new little belly is starting to show.

lose: with my growing belly comes back pains and my stomach still doesn’t like me. and headaches. darn the headaches!

win: my boobs are huge. i'm sorry i just have to say it. if anyone knows me, you know what a big accomplishment this is for me.

lose: i didn’t know that bigger boobs really do cause back problems. and my bras and undershirts are a pain now. annoying…

win: i can start eating most things without getting sick. usually…

lose: adam makes fun of me that i’m upset about it but it’s true. i’m sick of eating! i have to eat all the time. and even though my stomach likes more stuff now, i just get sick of eating it. and trying to come up with new things to eat to fight my boredom. boo.

win: my teachers have been pretty supportive while i stay home and be sick all the time instead of go to class

lose: i feel so guilty that i have to stay home and be sick all the time. i try to at least stay ahead of my homework. and adam just reminds me, “it’s okay if you don’t get an A or a B. you have a baby in your stomach!!”

win: adam takes really good care of me on top of volunteering, research, TAing, studying for the DAT, studying for school, and getting good grades to support me and my baby

lose: i don’t know what to do when he’s not home and he’s doing all of the above. he’s right, i’m hopeless without him.

But it really is WIN WIN WIN, win for adam being a new daddy, win for me being a new mommy and win for new little baby coming to a loving family who can’t wait to see him.

WIN WIN WIN!!