what I thought I knew

When I was pregnant and preparing to be a new mother, I thought I had it all figured out. I made lists and rules in my head that I swore I would abide by. These were my top 5:

• my baby would never sleep in our bed
• I would practice babywearing religiously
• my baby would never drink formula unless it was absolutely necessary
• me and Adam would get the baby right when he starts making hunger cues so he never cried (Adam once said to me when I was pregnant “Let’s make sure we always get him right at his first signs so that our baby will never learn to cry, ok?”)
• I would give him tummy time religiously

yeah… Then I had a baby. and all my expectations flew out the window. I had to change my list. and more importantly, I had to adjust to what best suited me and my family.

• my baby sleeps between me and Adam almost every night (and I’m still always embarrassed admitting that…) because that was the only way he would stay asleep when he was first born. swaddling? I know people swear by it but it just didn’t work for us
• I do wear my baby in a carrier but not religiously. though he does love it.
• he has drank formula on occasions when I can’t feed him (and I also hate admitting that…)
• hunger cues and crying? we tried. and haven’t failed completely. but in regards to never crying? we failed.  there are other things to cry about besides hunger it turns out and I’m still devastated when I hear him cry. I feel horrible when I don’t know how to help him… [literally I cry with him] but I have mastered the bounce technique that helps calm him down
• and tummy time is very forgetful to me. especially when all I can think about is sleep. I’m sure some die hards would tell me I’m ruining his developmental growth…

after going over my list of hopes and dreams of how I would be a perfect mother, I get discouraged at times because I feel like I failed. I guess I’m not a perfect mother.

but I try. and I try to make him happy. I try to keep him healthy {and alive}. which is important right? and I try to do the best for my family even if it’s not quite what all the specialists have said.

then I think of what my Aunt Shelley said to me last week when I went to visit her.

“You don’t have to explain to anyone what you do. You know you are doing the best you know how. And that’s all you have to say. You are doing your best.”

I may not let him cry himself to sleep or give him enough Tummy Time. and I may hold him too much and or not have set nap times.

but I’m doing my best. and that’s all I know how.