forgiving myself

Source: etsy.com via Megan on Pinterest

i am extremely hard on myself

extremely hard on myself.

i beat myself up for every little thing. 

i beat myself up for things that happened years and years ago! 

i remember telling my counselor,
"i am jealous when i hear people say, 'live without regrets! i don't have regrets because there's a reason for everything.' but i truly regret so many things. 

am i just a bad person?"

i honestly think about my past mistakes/embarrassments/regrets/stupid decisions more than anyone should. {which really, just one time focusing on your past mistakes is too much} 

i regret not spending more time with my grandma before she passed, even just calling her on the phone 

i regret being rude to my roommates in college, i was a terrible friend to them 

i regret not writing my friend on her mission more, or any of my friends on their missions 

i regret being rude to Adam when he first tried to date me 

i regret being mean to a girl in my class in 5th grade cause i felt stuck with her (and any other kids i was mean to in school, it still haunts me) 

i regret not staying in touch with my friends 

i regret how i acted when i first moved to Illinois in high school 

i regret having boyfriends and being obsessed with boys 

i regret not taking Elijah to the park more often 

i regret getting in that fight with Adam last week 

i regret not helping out a friend more when they were in need 

i regret not calling my friend back last week

i regret being extremely rude to a friend that lived with us for a few months

i regret having a mental and emotional breakdown that landed me in therapy 

i regret not sticking up for people more 

i regret how rude i was to my music teacher.... 

i have pages and pages and pages i could add to this list. 
[some too personal or hurtful to share.]

when i start getting really down on myself, or if i feel like i made a mistake, i start thinking about all the mistakes i've made and feel like it all equals: 

"Megan, you are a terrible person!" 

i cannot begin to describe how debilitating this is. and this is something i have done my entire life. 

only now have i realized how damaging it really is, 

only now am i finally admitting i have a problem.

Source: herewecollide.com via Joyce on Pinterest

i have tried to talk it out a lot with Adam and other loved ones. 

i have written many apology letters and emails to people hoping it will ease some of my guilt. 

and even with their forgiveness, i still have a hard time actually forgiving myself.  

yes, most of these mistakes i was just a dumb kid. 

but to me, that's not an excuse. 

i knew better and made poor decisions. 

forgiving myself. 

letting go. 

moving on from the past.

one of the hardest things for me to do. 

i know this will be something that i constantly have to be aware of. 

this is something i knowingly struggle with and i will have to catch myself before i go down all that
"i-regret-everything-and-am-a-terrible-person" thought process again. 

and i know that when i can truly, finally, let go of the pain i inflict on myself, 

when i learn to forgive myself of things that are over and done with, 

and see that i am a better person than i once was, 

i will be able to open myself up to even more happiness in my life.

and we are meant to be happy in this life, not miserable and guilt-ridden. 

that's the promise i hold onto.

Source: polish-my-crown.com via Christelle on Pinterest

new blog design

maybe some of you have noticed {or maybe you haven't if you are reading my blog in your blog reader} that i got a new blog design! 

i am soooooo in love with it!! 

two-ish years ago when i started opening up my blog for a bigger audience, i spent hours and hours pouring over design programs and learning HTML code to get my blog looking just right.
and i was proud of it! 

mainly because it took me forever to learn it all and for it to all come together so i felt very accomplished. 

well two years later i still loved my old design cause i was still proud of my hard work, but i felt like it was getting old and needed something more fresh and simple. but every time i thought about redesigning it i would just get tired... it takes a lot of time which i didn't have. 

enter the wonderful, magical fairy blog-designer Kaylee!!
[of All Things Bright & Beautiful blog fame] 

she took all of my ideas that i incoherently babbled off to her and interpreted my rough sketches to make a beautiful blog design that is perfect for me. 

she tied in my old design, my favorite color combinations, and my style into the new blog. 

i seriously cannot stop looking at it, i'm so happy! 

Kaylee was amazing to work with too! 

she was so patient with me {especially since i'm the most indecisive person ever!} and so kind with everything. she also has an amazing creative eye and i honestly couldn't believe how amazing it all looked. it was better than my mind or sketches could possibly convey!

if you are looking to change up your blog or website design, i highly recommend Kaylee! 

[plus, she has some of the best prices around too!] 

you can email her at kaylee.gwyn{at}gmail.com. 

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH, KAYLEE!!

::: Kaylee did not ask me to write this post. i truly love my new blog design and loved working with Kaylee so much that i wanted to pass the word along. i cannot say enough good things :)

color color color

[top: H&M, thrifted with tags!, pants: Nordstrom Rack on clearance, shoes: Target end of season clearance last year, necklace: c/o DownEast from the mixer]

i have always loved color in my wardrobe. 

if you have been around me a lot, you know that i'm usually the brightest dressed person around. 

so when i found these wonderful, jewel-colored pants on clearance at Nordstrom Rack {and i had a gift card!} i knew they had to be mine. 

[Adam, of course, thinks they are so ridiculous. but that is the story of my life.] 

i have always been drawn to bright colors and funky styles and eclectic patterns, 

but after Elijah was born it took me over a year-and-a-half to feel comfortable in my own style again. and even then i have still struggled with getting back into my groove. 

i feel like i can finally say {almost 3 years later} that i found my style again. 

i want more color 

i want more flair 

i want more crazy, "Megan" pieces to mix and match all weird. 

and more clown shirts. 

and it feels good. 

i'm starting to really feel like Megan again,

not just playing the whole "fake it 'til you make it" card.

so, take that low self-esteem & anxiety! 

i just shoved some bright colors & fabulous shoes in your face! 

and it was awesome!!!

linking up with Pleated Poppy