I never feel like I'm a fun enough mom.
I don't do crafts or bake cookies often or go on little adventures.
I don't draw treasure maps or play pirates all day.
I do those things sometimes.
But it's not even once a week.
I see posts of "fun moms" often or get caught up on Pinterest pictures and take it personally.
I don't do those things so I guess I'm not a very good mom.
I spiral into a sad, bitter, depressed state.
The thought of coming up with fun ideas and special activities overwhelms me.
So I get more depressed.
Then I get over it, I move on, and I deal.
Until the next holiday or cute social media post.
Spiraling.
Spiraling...
This year I decided I'm done with that.
What good was it doing me??
None.
And instead of using it as a motivator to be a better mom, it only made me feel bad which in turn made me take out my anxieties on Elijah.
Or stick him in front of the TV or Wii for hours because I was just too overwhelmed.
I mean, he was happy.
But I wasn't.
Spiral.
So enough.
This year I chose my word of the year very deliberately.
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to change and how I was going to go about changing it.
And the word that kept coming to mind was motivation.
If I wanted to do good, I needed to get myself motivated.
And I needed to feed on that motivation to try harder each day to overcome my weakness and reach my goals.
Motivation.
I was the only one holding me back.
I can change!
I can be the mom I want to be!
I just had to get off my rear and act on it.
Push through.
Do good.
So I set out to make little things special,
tried harder to get on the floor and play.
Let Elijah wear his Power Ranger costume all day.
Then I saw the Pi Day was coming up.
I remember the previous year feeling bad that I didn't start some fun tradition with pie.
And again feeling guilty that I was so lame {though I know Elijah doesn't even know what it means}.
So I was determined to make up for it this year.
Why feel guilty and shut down?
When I can motivate myself to do something and create happiness!
It was a day late but I made pie: chicken pot pie and apple pie.
I did it!
I succeeded.
A couple of days later it was St. Patrick's Day.
I told myself again that I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself.
Instead of comparing, I was going to act!
So I made a little treasure hunt for chocolate gold coins, dyed Elijah's lunch green, and made corned beef and cabbage for dinner.
I may have still fallen short with crafts or stories, but I still did something fun.
And I felt more proud of myself than I had felt in a long time.
Not only did I make my son excited and happy, but I was happier because I took action.
Motivation.
Motivation to be better.
In the search for our best selves, several questions will guide our thinking: Am I what I want to be? Am I closer to the Savior today than I was yesterday? Will I be closer yet tomorrow? Do I have the courage to change for the better?
In our mortal journey, the advice of the Apostle Paul provides heavenly guidance: “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Then came the concluding charge: “Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.”
They may not be big things,
it may only be just baking a pie,
or pretending we're pirates,
but through these small steps I am working toward becoming a better mother.
No guilt.
No shame.
No overwhelming, debilitating thoughts.
Motivation.
Action.
Happiness.
Love.
