one of my biggest struggles is saying no.
i want to help everyone and do everything and make everyone happy.
my friend Jessica tells me all the time, “you can say no! it’s okay. people will understand.”
and i know they will understand and be supportive, but I can’t handle it.
i set incredibly high expectations for myself. and it doesn’t help that i compare myself to others [or what i perceive from others] and use it to set my bar.
and after this last month, i realized how dangerously thin i spread myself causing me to nearly have another breakdown.
granted, things happened beyond my control [sicknesses & accidents]
but i could’ve stepped back.
at any moment i could’ve recognized my limits and stopped pushing myself. but i refused.
one night, Adam was trying to be sweet and wanted to cuddle and watch a movie.
instead of melting into his arms and enjoying the moment with him, i snapped at him, told him to give me my space, and that i was really stressed and needed to finish some work.
he just kind of looked at me and said, “what work do you have to be stressed about?”
i had no honest reason to be stressed other than i expected more out of myself.
i had been creating all this turmoil & exhaustion for myself because of my own ridiculous expectations.
i could be reveling in the fact that i get to stay home with my son all day, have absolutely nothing on my schedule besides some work for my assistantship, and just relax.
but instead i tell myself i need to write this, and do that, and go here because that’s what good moms do!
and if i want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good blogger, a good friend, i need to do everything!
when i was going to therapy, my counselor pointed out my constant need to live up to some unrealistic ideal that i make for myself. and because of this unattainable bar i set for myself, there is no way for me to feel fulfilled or accomplished because nothing will ever be good enough.
and if i keep raising it, i will never allow myself to be happy with my life and my circumstances.
for a while i was very much aware of this problem and i felt like i did pretty well to keep it under control.
but it all came back to me recently.
so now that’s what i’m working on again.
i’m working on understanding my own limits.
i’m working on allowing myself to be human.
i’m working on putting my own needs at top priority.
in a way i think we all push ourselves to dangerous limits.
we expect too much out of ourselves and demand perfection instead of “just good enough.”
i know i struggle with this every.single.day.
i just read a quote tonight from this talk that really hit me.
“In all of these cases there should never be just two options:
perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only
options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and
development take time. Learning takes time.”
i realize that i’m not allowing myself time to grow. instead, i’m expecting it RIGHT NOW!
so part of my simplifying is lowering my bar.
doing my best but staying within my limits.
i have a lifetime to learn and to grow.
i don’t need to waste all my energy, time, and emotions on things that won’t matter in the long run.